I have been in a pretty bad emotional state of late, so I wanted to give thanks to the synthetic, technical things in life that make things for me a little bit easier.
First off, I want to thank LASIK surgery for giving me brand new eyes. I will never have to have foggy glasses coming in from the cold, and I will never go back into LensCrafters, even if just to avoid a tornado.
I’d also like to give thanks to Afrin, the nasal decongestant spray, without which I’d would scarcely be breathing right now. Yeah, I know it’s addictive and bad for your mucous lining and all that shit, but it’s the only thing that works. Do not write to me with your home remedy. It will be as effective as squirting Smucker’s up my nose.
I’d like to give thanks to the drug Allopurinol, even though I haven’t taken it in a year. It counteracts gout, which is not nearly as cool a disease as it sounds.
At this juncture, I’d also like to thank the new synthetic fabrics that make playing sports more fun. Yes, fans, I’m talking about wool that wicks, lycras, spandex blends, and whatever moon-rocks my new bathing suit is made out of. Let me also thank the new Hoover WetVac, the DeWalt 5 1/2 inch random orbital sander, the Thor washer-and-dryer-in-one, the tangerine iBook, and caffeine-laced analgesics like Excedrin bought in bulk. I am thankful for these things.
Let me not forget Coke, and behind it Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, Orangina, Aranciata, and cranberry juice mixed with seltzer. I would like to thank the state of North Carolina, and especially one of its residents, Dean Smith.
I need to thank extension cords, cordless phones, Fedex, Clearasil, tuna, and a pre-emptive thanks to the antidepressant Celexa – the jury’s still out on you, but I have faith you’ll eventually deliver.
To close, I’d like to thank the store Target, for a flawless redesign of product, and for providing so much cool stuff to a kid in the 1970s. To prove my gratitude, here is a picture of Tessa at the Target in Breckenridge, VA (although I mostly posted it to see it in congruence with the picture below it). Nature and nurture, I worship both of you the same.