10/23/02 This, my friends, is


This, my friends, is what passes for the side of a milk carton here in America. No longer the domain of missing children, or ads for ice cream, or behoovements on behalf of calcium – this is the propaganda shoved in front of America’s kids each morning. This is what happens when you let Baby Boomers have children.

“Don’t jump from playground equipment”? First of all, you fascists, it’s called a “swing,” and what the hell use is it if you can’t jump from it? And “don’t climb on trees”? Don’t climb on fucking TREES?!? Where the hell has childhood gone? I climbed a tree on my 12th birthday, fell out, and broke my arm and having a cast was the coolest thing that happened to me in the 1970s. It taught me pain, healing, risk and adventure.

These meddlesome moms decry a new epidemic of fat kids slobbing around the house playing Grand Theft Auto on the PlayStation 2, but also won’t let them climb a goddamn tree. What are kids supposed to do when they get outside, walk around in a circle and moan?

I used to think my generation was the domain of the most painfully unmotivated bunch of kids this side of Newton’s 2nd Law of Thermodynamics. Now I know we’re about to be succeeded by a bunch of fat, neurotic, litigious oafs who wouldn’t be able to find their way home from the Fast-N-Easy Burger if you painted giant red arrows on the sidewalk. Thanks, baby boomers!

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