12/22/02 Day One of the

12/22/02

Day One of the Cap’n Fantasmigoric Krazy Road Trip

Columbia County, NY to Clearview, PA

We intended to start this road trip off with a delirious bang, but the following intervened:

a) Tessa’s temperature of 101.3

b) my temperature of 99.9

c) mounting “pod” on top of car (2 hours)

d) smashed turning signal courtesy of Park Slope parking

e) I was involved, and therefore we were going to be late anyway.

Thus we left at the ripe and early hour of 7pm, limping our way into the western stretch of Pennsylvania and into the lands of the most depressing, cold, lonely, diesel-drenched truck stops in the country. In one such place, Tessa went into the Quik-n-Stop before me, and when she passed me at the door, whispered “Two words: Twin Peaks.”

Indeed, a 90-year-old couple sitting at the Taco Bell Express cafeteria were made up like circus clowns: the woman had lipstick stretching way past normal lips and a red wig made of dryer lint; neither of them had teeth, and gummed at each other incessantly. The men’s urinal had graffiti that said “I give great head. See stall for details.” Of course, I had to go back to the stall, which read “My name is Sarah and I give the best blow job in the region” followed by her phone number. I wondered what constituted her region; maybe it was a Congressional district or something.

Due to some sort of “atmospheric skip,” a small AM radio station in Charlotte, NC bounced off the ionosphere and made its way to our car, speeding through the lonely wilds of Pennsylvania. The program? Why, my beloved Tar Heels giving Florida State a good old-fashioned shellacking, that’s what!

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