9/22/03 Things We Are Merely


Things We Are Merely Lucky For Having

1. A north star. You know, due to the “precession” of the Earth (it wobbles on its axis) it’s just dumb fucking luck that all of us live in a time when the north pole happens to be pointing at a bright star we call Polaris. I don’t know how many countless lives have been saved by people orienting themselves to the North Star, but there could just as easily be absolutely nothing there, so consider yourself lucky, ingrate.

2. Survivable seasons. We are exactly the right distance from the sun to keep the seasons from totally sucking. Today in New England was a very obvious “beginning of autumn” day, in which you are reminded that there will be no more swimming in local watering holes, thank you very much. A few nervous trees have already entirely changed color, looking a bit like the dorky kid who is already in his seat, waiting for the exam. Winter is weeks away, and while it can be right miserable, it is survivable. I pity those people living in places without seasons, almost as much as they pity us for having them.

3. A huge moon. Our moon is totally out of proportion for a planet our size, so big that it yanks the oceans around without our approval. But some crafty Norwegians have figured out how to turn the tides into hydro-electric power, so now we can have the moon start working for us for a change, god dammit.

4. Orgasm. I mean, it doesn’t have to feel that good. It just does. We’d probably procreate anyway, just to keep our progeny going, but the orgasm is really a nice treat that is denied all the other animals. Ha!

5. Humor. Yes, yes, it lowers your blood pressure and makes cancer patients live longer and all that shit, but really – why should anything be funny? Was there a mandate set forth that humor was necessary for the race? God is entirely unfunny in the Old Testament, boringly earnest in the New Testament and on crack in the Book of Mormon. Since when did everything have to be so amusing?

6. Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors. I’m feeling just fine, thanks!

Pardon me while I stand in the closet and shut off for the night.