At long last, a dream has been realized. I remember the day they were toted away, left in a bag in Iowa in 1977, never to be seen again. Upon arriving back in America in 1979, we asked, “where are they?” but silence followed. For years we pined for them. They reminded us of picnics, pink lemonade coming out of our noses, cousins frolicking and endless afternoons of Orange Push-Ups dribbling down our chins. But a dark era clouded over, and we thought we’d never see them again.



That’s right, ladies and germs, we just got back what was rightfully ours: A SET OF PRISTINE JARTS™ BRAND LAWN DARTS!!! Ronald Reagan and his evil Republican minions banned them from all 50 states, ordering them destroyed, but they couldn’t get all of them! That’s right, a refugee box from the time when Kids Could Have Fun has landed on our doorstep.

Yes, you nervous ninnies, we plan to be careful. We won’t play with them when Jamie’s kids are over. We’ll put them on a shelf that 5-year-olds can’t reach. And when we actually play, we’ll put Chip in the kitchen with Chopes. No need to ruin two of the greatest minds of the 21st century.

But you can bet your ass we will be playing Jarts™ until we get repetitive motion disorder. We will have tournaments. There will be betting money involved. We will get so good at Jarts™ that shit will be talked. Manhoods will be called into question. It will be a cultural movement that will tear asunder the pusillanimous memories of Rubik’s Cubes and Hula-Hoops. It will ROCK.

As soon as the ground unfreezes.

11 thoughts on “splurt!!!

  1. Laurie

    You may not have seen this side of me yet, but I will kick your ASS at Jarts!!! Alone in the Adirondacks nextdoor to the afterschool rape hut, what was there to do but play Jarts for hours on end? Yes, after the ground unfroze–which would be sometime late in June, but from June to October I reined undefeated from 1978-1981. Yes, my dog did end up with a concussion in 1980 when little cousin ADD Michael came over, but she recovered.
    See you on the green!!

  2. Rob MacD

    When I was in my early teenage years, back in the late 70’s, we had a set of lawn darts (I can’t claim them to be Jarts, though, as I don’t remember). We also had a tennis court in the park across from my house. My friend and I would, on occasion when we were ultra-bored, go to the court and toss the lawn darts high in the air, and stand under them as they came down, moving out of the way at the last moment.
    I know, I know. Idiots. I’m not proud of that stupidity, but feel it should be said. I also ask that you not try this.
    If the stupid actions of this stupid Canadian back then had anything to do with the American ban, and your subsequent decades-long absence of enjoyment of Jarts, I hereby apologize.

  3. kent

    Those things were right up there with Michael O’Donahue’s “Bag O Glass Fun Pack” for dangerous toys. Even more fun than Jarts would be a Jarts on Wheels tournament, played on those 3-wheeler ATVs they banned in the early 90s.

  4. Bud

    The ground’s still nice and soft down here in NC. Bring it on down, if you’re not afraid of being taken to lawn dart school.
    P.S. You should probably drive; I don’t think you could slip those by airport security.

  5. Ian

    Brent – excellent T-shirts. I think we could print our own, now that I have the logo.
    Laurie and Bud – you will both bow down to the Williams family Welsh throwing technique. Oh, except for Laurie, who’s both Williams and Welsh.
    Rob – It can’t be any stupider than what we did two days ago – we stood in our field and tried to dodge golf balls being teed off from our barn. SEE WHAT A REPRESSED CULTURE MAKES US DO?!?

  6. Andy

    You forgot to mention the part where curse words echo off the mountains after you suffer an humiliating defeat. That is, if your Lawn Dart game is anything like your basketball game….

  7. scotty

    The problem with Jarts (also darts and golf)is that power is supremely gratifying and yet entirely detrimental to anything resembling a “game of skill.” The rush of throwing a Jart as far as one can throw overhand, or seeing how deep a Jart will plow into the ground by throwing it as high as possible, is far greater than deftly (and weakly, I might add) tossing a Jart into a plastic circle. Yawn. Would anyone be interested in “Russian Jarts”? Stand in the Jart circle and toss the Jart straight up, 20+ feet. Jarts inside circle are worth 1 point, Jarts in skull disqualify. Points are necessary to win. No “I’m the only one standing, so I automatically win” crap.

  8. sam

    I took my firstg swing at a golf ball that day and I came close to hitting you
    closer then any1 else
    P.S. especially scott who sucks


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