Celexa only does so much


People That Scare Me, In Order of Intensity:

1. Evangelical Apocalyptic Christians

2. Muslim Terrorists

3. Clowns

4. Mormons

5. The Editorial Staff of the Wall Street Journal

6. Jewish Republicans

7. Rural Pennsylvania School Boards

8. Objectivists

9. Hummer Drivers on Interstate 405 through the Sepulveda Pass

10. The Chinese Army

11. Kraft, ADM and Beatrice

12. Hockey Coaches

13. Ralph Nader

14. Tarot Card Readers in the French Quarter

15. Right-Wing Cartoonists

16. Retail Employees Who Work on Commission

17. Dog Kickers

18. Independent Record Store Cashiers

19. My Brother Steve Babysitting in 1976

20. Quakers

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0 thoughts on “Celexa only does so much

  1. cullen

    Glad to know I only qualify at number 17 on your list. I’ve kicked my share of dogs on any number of recreational runs. I somewhat sadistically love that in the pocket gulping sound of my foot on the underside of an overzealous barker’s jaw.
    I’m sure Chopin isn’t a chaser though.

  2. kent

    I’m trying to think of what would be scary about Quakers, and coming up blank. The preternatural calm? The willingness to swim upstream against the overwhelming tide of conventional wisdom?
    Two kinds of white people came to this continent back in the 16th and 17th Century. Dour, witchburning Calvinists, and Quakers. Tell me who you wish was in charge right now.

  3. Bud

    Yeah, I’m with Kent. Quakers??? WTF, mate?
    Unless you refer to Quaker *Oats* spokesperson Wilford Brimley. I’ve had nightmares about that smug, walrus-like presence hovering over me, urging me to do terrible things (e.g. kill my parents), earnestly exhorting me “It’s the right thing to do.”
    Okay, not *really*, but it’s a slow day.

  4. Piglet

    I too, don’t have Quakers on my top 100 scary people list. I have most of the others though, as well as these:
    *The supporting cast of “Deliverance”
    *Karl Rove, Grover Norquist and Tom DeLay
    *Military strongmen from Latin American countries
    *Guys in suits who travel in pairs and ask to talk to me about the Lord.
    *Anyone who goes on “Fear Factor” or “Jerry Springer”.
    *Adam Sandler
    *Professional Management Seminar Directors
    *People who earn less than $1,500 monthly and vote Republican
    *The fat, naked guy from “Survivor”
    *Miami Cubans
    *People who regularly get media attention speaking out against causes that they themselves made famous 25 years ago
    *Viagra spammers
    *Ken Lay, Jeffrey Skelling and Rebecca Mark
    *Republican judicial appointees, especially Robert Bork
    *Texas shitkickers
    *The bald, pitchfork-holding guy in Grant Wood’s “American Gothic”
    *Secret Service agents in dark glasses
    *Airport security personnel
    *Leaders of neighborhood organizations
    *Rick Santorum

  5. Kmeelyon

    I have a long-standing fear of clowns. It started at my 6th birthday party when my parents hired a clown for the party. The clown encouraged me to lean forward and smell the flower on his jacket. When I leaned forward, he manipulated something inside his jacket to make the flower squirt water in my face. When he did this, I started screaming and crying, and I wouldn’t stop until my parents made the clown to leave. In my young mind, I could not understand a world in which the birthday entertainment involved public humiliation of the birthday child for the delight of others. I guess for some folks, water in the face is funny. I like to think I had a more sophisticated sense of humor. But I felt better when the clown was gone.
    A few weeks later, I attended another birthday party. All was well until The Very Same Clown showed up. Apparantly, one of the parents liked the clown and hired him for her son’s birthday. But for all I knew, this clown was stalking me at various social events. It was disturbing and frightening to the 6 year old me, and I called my mother and had her immediately come and pick me up at the party.
    I have been scarred ever since.
    Now, I have my very own Adult Scary Clown who stalks me at parties. I find him frightening in a different way. This being the odd, kinky town of San Francisco, Ouchie the Clown: http://www.ouchytheclown.com/ happens to show up as “entertainment,” at a high number of the events that I frequent. I am able to stay in the same room as him, if I breathe deeply and think calm thoughts. But usually, if I notice that we are at the same event, I prefer to quietly leave the room.
    Some things never change.

  6. Ginsu Rocker

    Dog kickers aren’t really as sadistic as some owners of these beasts. Nor do I think, as well, that of Muslim Terrorists. Pity you weren’t there at the time you bunch of idiots. This come from an Argentinian reader (loyal follower) of this blog, who came here after searching for a whore actress I spotted in tv-cable in my humble land.
    Please, stop spreading your bullshit all over the world. We have nothing to do, man.
    Yours sincerely.

  7. Annie

    Yeah, what the f does Ginsu think –does he think?)–he’s actually saying?
    Let’s add “People who assign themselves ‘wacky’ cybernames attempting to police other people’s blogs and huff menacingly not realizing that their ‘warnings’ are merely the ravings of the incomprehensible” to the list.

  8. Piglet

    People like Ginsu, on the other hand, don’t scare me. They merely inspire me to wax philosophical on the mysterious and infinite varieties of DNA…

  9. jon

    You wanna idea for a good show — and I’m actually kinda serious? Follow all the links people post in your comments section and produce short segments on what you find. Random & Bizarre Threads. I’ll be laughing about that Japanese Navy thing for weeks. If you can sell the idea to somebody, sign me up as a producer.

  10. Lyle

    has anyone considered that there is a tiny chance ginsu rocker’s point may have been compelling but ended up mangled by his level of ESL? i mean, a tiny chance (because he did seem to imply that ian should have been struck by muslim terrorists!), but at least the guy probably wrote more coherently in ESL than most of ian’s “loyal followers” can in ginsu’s native spanish (or any other language aside from english). so yes, it was barely comprehensible, but how much of it was because he’s a raving lunatic and how much was because he wasn’t writing in his native tongue? the guy did claim to be a “loyal followe”, after all. for all we know, he may have been trying for irony.

  11. Rhonda

    Effexor XR only does so much
    Newt Gingrich still gives me the shivers
    Jerry Farwell.. eewww
    Michael Jackson – What the hell happen to him?


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