While we were biking on the beach yesterday, I told Tessa that Sean and I used to sabotage each other’s bike rides by coming up from behind and hitting the back tire of the bike in front of us with our own front tire. After a few months of this, we discovered something: almost always, the guy in back was the one who ended up crashing. So – I confidently assured Tessa – if she was ever thinking about doing it, suffice to say the research had been done, over twenty years ago, and it just doesn’t work.
There are plenty of things you do as kids that you would never dream of doing as an adult, but the upshot is that a lot of pretty decent research gets accomplished. How else would you know that an egg explodes in the microwave? That’s just something you don’t do when you’re 36.
However, I had an experience today that I reprint here in the interests of science. Namely, I had three giant extra-strength Excedrin caplets go directly into my lung.
I get these headaches that only three Excedrins can manage, so I popped some while driving down Abbot Kinney Road in Venice Beach. Some pedestrians walked out onto the road, so I braked, and in doing so, sent the white capsules into my bronchioles. Unable to breathe except for a tiny passageway of wheezing, I pulled over, and gave the “choking sign” to a driver who was pulling out of a restaurant.
He basically looked at me and told me to fuck off. I’m using this blog, right now, to send him really, really bad karma. Thank god another woman, a pedestrian, came over to me and gave me a small Heimlich and basically talked me down. I was wheezing mucous, in a cold sweat, and she calmly explained that the pills were beginning to break up, and that the passageway would clear gradually. I managed to croak out “are you a doctor?” She said, “I’m studying to be one.” I never got her name, but I’m sending her much love and yes, good karma.
Here’s where the science comes in, just in case any of you were thinking “what happens when you snort three Excedrins at the same time?” First off, the caffeine in three of those pills is equivalent to two or three big shots of espresso squirted directly into your brain. It’s not far from the sensation cocaine might give you: agitation, dizziness, feelings of euphoria mixed with paranoia, and road rage.
I drove to Arcadia and played one of the best basketball games of my career, nearly got into a fight with a missionary at the church, and now I lie awake in bed at 2:10am writing this blog with explosions of horrible spelling.
So that’s what happens. Just so you know.