whiz on the electric fence

5/14/04

I highly recommend my brother Sean’s blog on pooping, and also my brother Kent’s blog on pooping as well. I know my other brother Steve will probably leave well enough alone, but my sister Michelle already talked about her rectum last year, so I figure it’s my turn to wax coprophilic.

To whit: I don’t like pooping. Never had, never will. I find this interesting because God himself attached an incredible amount of pleasure to the act of removing any substance from one’s body: sneezing is a hoot, burping/farting is sweet relief, barfing is a godsend when you need it, hocking a good loogie is something to be celebrated, and I don’t need to tell any of you, fair male readers, how nice it is to get rid of some sperm.

I’m short on good pooping stories, but I will tell you this: for Halloween 1991, my housemates Matt M., Clay B., (future Archer of Loaf) Matt Gentling and I dressed up as babies, complete with Depends™ adult diapers and T-shirts that said “Li’l Stinker.” We filled our baby bottles full of Southern Comfort and hit the night running.

Around 1am or so, I was stuck at a party talking to this dreadfully boring chick, and DESPERATELY had to pee. The line for the bathroom was interminable, this girl was never going to let me go… then I realized: hey, I’m wearing diapers.

Here’s the curious thing about peeing in your pants: you really have to convince your bladder you’re serious. Decades of shame-induced bladder-control muscles don’t just suddenly LET you pee while talking to someone who has no idea what you’re up to.

So I did it. It was long, delirious and satisfying. And you know what? At the end of the night, I took the diapers off and inspected them, and THERE WAS NO TRACE OF PEE ANYWHERE! The diaper had absorbed it, then transferred it to outer space. In many ways, I found this comforting, as if incontinence in my later years won’t be so bad. As long as they can fit under hoop shorts, growing old is going to be a blast!

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0 thoughts on “whiz on the electric fence

  1. Greg

    Right now I’m making the patented Larry David skeptic face at the motitor trying to determine if the words printed there are true, but I’m having difficulty seeing into your soul through all the digital noise…
    The responsible 33 year old in me can’t contemplate doing this, but the 21 year old frat boy (sorry Chip) that I once was reminds me that this really isn’t that bizarre a circumstance at 1 in the morning after a long enjoyable Halloween night of drinking Southern Comfort.
    Man, I miss being young and irresponsible!

    Reply
  2. oliver

    They say modern diapers represent one of the most important technological developments of the last century.

    Reply
  3. Just Andrew

    “We should take as much pleasure in defecation as we do in fornication”
    I’ve always heard it attributed to Mark Twain

    Reply
  4. Ian

    It is a totally true story – I have no need to lie. Perhaps Matt M. will chime in to verify. One correction: Clay was actually a DEAD WEREWOLF BABY.

    Reply
  5. Sean Williams

    Bud, I don’t know if you’ve seen The Pink House yet, but the old man in the “Oops, I Crapped My Pants” ad on SNL plays a much older version of me. He said the SNL thing was one of the best shoots he’d ever done.

    Reply

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