Since Tessa are in that indefinite parcel of time called “your child-bearing years,” we’ve had to be careful about sushi, because apparently there’s all sorts of mercury that will give your baby three heads and gecko-like scales. The FDA put out a notice and even a list of all the different mercury levels in your favorite seafood, but the whole thing depresses my lovely wife to no end. Not only is it one more goddamn thing to worry about, but she actually loves sushi and it means effectively giving it up until the year 2014.
While salmon has very little mercury, it has plenty of PCBs – basically the green sludge that oozes out the back of factories in Elizabeth, NJ, finding its toxic path of least resistance to the nearest river. The government is supposed to protect us from this shit, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bush Administration wanted to re-classify dioxin poison as a dessert topping.
Sure, voyagers on cross-country plane trips can look out the window and see vast stretches of unspoiled Western terrain, but have you ever taken the PATH train to Newark? It is like the Disney ride through Bubbling Purple Horrorville. Gurgling streams of steaming, rust-colored death syrup – all clawing its way into your womb to do terrible things to your babies.
During history class, I used to look at historical characters from the Dark Ages with pity