It has taken me three years of work, but we’ve finally done it. Anyone who knows me can vouch for my wireless fetish, but at the farm, we have truly raised it to an art form. A place like this, with fucked-up floorboards first fastened in 1830 doesn’t take well to internet cables, so the first thing we did was install some Airport Expresses to beam the internet everywhere.
Then we got tired of having only 14 channels on cable TV (three of them QVC-related), plus I wasn’t getting the Heels games on television, so we jumped on the satellite bandwagon.
Of course, both Tessa and I have cell phones that kinda sound like shit up here, but they still work, goddammit.
And then our land-line phones started sounding like a squirrel was being constantly electrocuted, so I went on eBay and got us five refurbished 5.8 Ghz cordless phones from Panasonic for cheap.
Then Chopin the dog turned 14 years old – yet was still more than happy to sprint out of our yard at 45 mph en route to the dumpster next door. Biting the bullet, we had to get an Invisible Fence that administers what the trainer called a “correction” but what he calls a “ghastly ordeal.” Training him to respect the invisible line has been a little twitchy, but I confess there’s been a little sadistic joy in it too.
And now, with some healthy tax incentives and a middle finger directed straight at Dick Cheney and his henchmen, we have decided to go solar, which I suppose is the ultimate wireless solution. Sharp makes these awesome dark blue solar panels that come in triangles so you can follow your roof line exactly.
Pretty soon, we’re not going to have one wire in the house, and we will all be in a state of gamma ray bliss.
Oh, except for Chopes, who will continue to get zapped every fortnight or so to keep him honest. Yay!