Dear Republican Party,


*cough, cough*

Sorry. Let me start over.

I came to New York for the exact same reasons people did it in 1888 – it was the only place I could possibly have the freedom to be what I wanted to be. I took a room in the East Village, lived in a shoebox with the illustrious Lars Lucier and tried to start my life over. I’d had a disastrous time where I’d come from, and knew that New York was the sole point on Earth where my past didn’t matter.

It was hot, the subway at 8am was demoralizing, and I was doing the kind of work I swore I’d never do. I also sustained a back injury that put me on crutches and a cane for two months. Note to single men: having a cane does NOT make girls feel sorry for you in a sexy Florence Nightingale sort of way – they avoid you as though you were a leper.

Anyway. My first week in the city, I was asked to write a play that went up on Bleecker Street and gave me the courage to write again after three solid years of humiliation. I began to understand New York as a town where you were lauded for intellect, could use words like “hegemony” without being made fun of, could have love handles and not give a shit, and eat the best pizza on earth at three in the morning.

No other town could house a spirit like Gill Holland, no city would satisfy the cultural ache of Dana and Lindsay, no other place could give succor to the talents of Virginia Heffernan and Nell Casey, and there is no other borough big enough to yoke the explosive energy of my then-wife-to-be Tessa.

On my 29th birthday, I did drugs off the tummy of a friend in the East Village, and went to the Museum of Natural History the next day. It is a town that accepts anything, purges everything, and is the success of the Great American Experiment. It is without judgment and is the last place many of us can go to find love and not be afraid.

In short, it is everything you are not.

We are truly living in shame-free times, an era without compunction, when you dared to have your National Convention here. Your administrations armed the muhajadeen, then ignored years of intelligence that told you Islamic militants were determined to strike our financial centers with planes. When our towers fell, you came down – THREE DAYS LATER if I remember correctly – and got on the bullhorn.

You disregarded the signs we put up in Union Square: “Our tears of grief are not cries for war.” You attacked Afghanistan (fine, we guessed) but then attacked Iraq, thus insuring we’d never be safe again when we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge. Then you cut anti-terror funding for our city – why? Because nobody in this place would ever vote for you? Why would you give fucking Wyoming $38.31 per person for terror funding, and leave the guy sweeping the floor at the NY Stock Exchange $5.47? HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO US?

Then, to dare put Ground Zero in your re-election campaign, when you fought tooth and nail AGAINST a commission to find out who was to blame… only to have a luke-cold response to their findings? Your henchmen have now dismissed the 9/11 widows as hysterical witches; if only you could understand HALF their misery, you cruel fucks.

Now you have chosen New York as your convention site, so you can play politics with the charred corpses of 3,000 office workers, 4 out 5 of which would never have voted for you. You hate gay people with a biblically-fueled intensity, yet you have placed your party nineteen blocks from Chelsea, home of the most thriving gay population in America. The Democrats didn’t have their convention in Mobile, Alabama – why are you here?

Your cynicism and low-rent Machiavellianism slither so close to the ground that it’s almost hard to see when you’ve hit a new low, but coming here to capitalize on the worst thing that ever happened to a city you actually hate is utterly shameful. I’m not following the rules; I’m not going to play nice with you. You are not welcome here. You can call me crazy or unhinged or batshit or whatever you want. But you don’t get New York City, even for four days.


0 thoughts on “WE TO G.O.P: EAT POOP ‘n’ PEE

  1. noj

    i feel like the “get out of our city” sentiment, while wholly understandable, is exactly the response that the GOP and it’s scurrying, rat-fucking Rove-ites want democrats / liberals to project. much has been made in the last week re: their political attack M.O. – attack the opponents’ strengths (Swift Boat, attacking Ann Richards for being biased & intolerant, etc.). As democrats, we can’t say go away, fuck off – they’d spin it to the media and make us out to be freedom-quashing hypocrites attempting to deny their constitutional right to assemble.
    So i plan to welcome them all with a smile…and an extended middle finger.
    read this article this morning. eees good.

  2. Cheryl

    Oh, Ian, yes yes yes. My heart and brain are right with you! I am so fucking emotional about Bush and I’m already resolved to cry either way on November 2 (or 5th or 6th, depending if the counting goes smoothly or not). I’m gonna cry tears of relief and bewilderment if Kerry gets in and I’m gonna cry tears of fury and desperation if Bush fucking wins again.

  3. Ian

    Noj speaks truth – I saw that link last week and it’s proof Keillor has nads.
    Ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl Tucker! One of NC’s finest ever!

  4. Zig

    The Republicans have as much right to be here as the protestors do. We live in a democracy, which is the whole point. And to say they’re ‘capitalizing on 9/11’ because Bloomberg wanted them to put $$ into NYC’s economy is, in itself, trying to stir anger against them by capitalizing on 9/11. Let’s be what we’re supposed to be — Democrats. Democratically, they can be here. And we will protest and vote against them.

  5. Lindsay

    Sorry Zig, but the RNC having the right to be here is one thing, but being utterly shameless, hypocritical, and counterproductive is quite another. And we need to call them on it.
    The RNC is making me–Noj and I worked in the WTC until 9 months (me) and 2 weeks (him) before 9/11–a target again on the one hand while reducing security funds on the other is intolerable. The fact that they are taking away civil liberties because we are in a “emergency situation” but aren’t will to forgo a friggin marketing opportunity in early September in NYC, the main time and place where there actually is an emergency situation, is just sick.
    I’m usually as moderate as a Southern Dem can be, but 4 months of Air America combined with the sight of these scared, smug uber-tourists sucking like leeches on the barely healed psychic wounds of my city has cured me of that.

  6. Zig

    Each party has a convention. There is nothing new about it. If you want to complain and protest, as I said, do it. They still have the right to be here. It has been known for some time that the Republicans were coming to NYC. All of the points you just made could have been made for the last three years. New York doesn’t belong to just a few people. It’s not “my” city. That’s the whole point.

  7. Lindsay

    And like I said, I’m not questioning their civil right to be here, so we agree there. But just like Sharon going to the Temple Mount, they are dividing, not uniting the country and cynically playing with a tenderbox of emotion. Does this erode their moral right to be here or incur some sort of karmic debt that I hope hurts them politically instead of all of us physically? In my opinion, you betcha.
    But I beg to differ on your final point. New York City belongs to the citizens and residents of New York City. That includes me and maybe Jonah Goldberg, but not Bud Long or Dick Cheney. But I’d love it if Bud moved here.

  8. Zig

    Does that mean that if you go on vacation to some other city, they should tell you to fucking get out of their city if they don’t agree with you? Someone in Buffalo said that to a friend of mine because he was Jewish. I just disagree with that kind of comment. People do NOT own cities. You can tell the Republicans to get off your lawn if you want. Anyway, I don’t want to keep debating this, but I shudder to think how it would sound if Boston wasn’t so liberal and some of the residents there told Democrats to fucking get out of their city.
    Regarding the Republicans themselves, I pretty much agree with what you (and Ian) say.

  9. Lindsay

    It’s a good thing you don’t feel like debating, because otherwise your taking what I said to mean that people “should” shout down Jewish vacationers in Buffalo would make me go all “My Pet Goat” (i.e., stare into space for 7 minutes wondering how to respond).
    Anyway, Zig, no hard feelins. You’re right in calling off the hair-splitting and sematic discussion. We’re all friends, here. I’ve even been giving correct directions to RNC delegates who ask nicely.
    What’s more, I’ve got to finish my work so I can make it to the union protest at 4. AUX BARRICADES!

  10. Zig

    Yes. Fair enough. I didn’t mean to get more inflammatory with the Jewish comment; I just meant that people don’t own cities.

  11. Umberto Eco

    Speaking of semantics, just what does Ian mean with this title? Do we want the GOP to eat poop and eat pee, or to eat poop and then urinate? The distinction is subtle, but important, at least to the potentially copraphage conservatives.
    Big tent, indeed.


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