Ladies and gentlemen, you needn’t fret anymore. We have decided that we can’t live in the United States anymore, because so many of you in the “heartland” are so full of shit. We were all going to move to various other countries, but then we thought – why should WE move?
We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the only thing we could.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That’s right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and California are joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New England. In the middle of the country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa’s soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous.
What’s with the other dots? Oh yes, we’re taking Chapel Hill and Durham, North Carolina too. I’m not going to live in a country without the Tar Heels. (And Duke? You’re being moved to Greensboro, just like Wake Forest was. Sorry! Assholes.)
The other dot is New Orleans, which you don’t deserve. American Coastopia needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you. Sure, you can visit, but it isn’t part of your country anymore.
I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have most of them, because we’re taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back, turning the whole thing into a giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think tanks. Wall Street and other financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe will suit your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a terrorist target for your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in American Coastopia, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. We will have our own currency, and trade with any countries we want. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown. We believe in a meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006.
Yes, we’re taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful. Yes, we’re taking all the funny people too. All the sculptors, architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen. You should have treated them better when you had them.
We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer from your United States of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United States of My Friends, the Nation of Two: my wife and I. We hold our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we don’t want to be lumped in with you anymore.
Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come to us. In American Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are always hot, and we have a trundle bed for each and every one of you.
[ed. note: many emails asked for T-shirts, and we made these. Any profits go to our local school system]