So, Tessa’s pregnant. Quite a few of you already knew this, already surmised as such, or it’s hitting you broadside in the back of the head. As for me, it’s the latter, and I’ve known for about 4 1/2 months. I’m also so overwhelmed and happy and scared and utterly unsure of what we’ve just begun, so yes, I’ll take a number and join the club, right around April 2.
Tessa has been amazing throughout this process, only freaking out and scaring me once (so far) – she has taken to impending motherhood with the calm and self-knowledge of someone who understands this to be the natural progression of her life. She is made of such great stuff. Me, I feel the baby kick in her belly, and I shudder with the kind of awe that jumbles the brain. I mean, having another human being kicking at your wife from the inside is disturbing.
I neglected to put anything on this blog until now, because I am the proud result of six miscarriages, and my family knows how devastating that can be – and I sure as hell didn’t want to have to write a painful missive explaining why we’re no longer shopping for onesies. Tessa is what we in the business refer to as “advanced maternal age” (at 35?!?) so we opted for the amnio, and as far as we can tell, we’re not going to have a baby with a dick growing out of her forehead.
My wife is going to kick my ass for writing that. I mean, we don’t even know if it’s a girl.
Anyway, it’s been a bizarre experience, keeping a blog for almost five months without being able to refer to the one thing that has consumed your thought space. Curiously, I did refer to it here when I originally wrote “the pregnant people in the room are tired” – which was directed at Dana, but Tessa was only days pregnant as well. I changed the wording after the firestorm of comments, unaware that I had unwittingly told the truth.
breaking the news to Sean and Jordana on the iSight
One of the best things about becoming “with child” is telling the people you love. Tessa’s mom Sandy cried, my dad was elated, and my mom was her usual brand of pioneer stoic with layers of happiness woven within (she comes from Mormon stock, where pregnancies happen with the frequency of sunsets). Block and Salem seemed to be happy somebody else was about to go through it. Tessa’s two best New York friends are also preggers. So are Lindsay and Dana. Matt just had a baby a few weeks ago. THANK FUCKING GOD we are not doing this by ourselves.
I will say this, however: four years ago, I was unable to contemplate a long-term relationship, living in a junky house in the Hollywood Hills. Now I am married, living in New York, and about to have a kid. Part of me, perhaps 12%, believes that marriages and families are things that happen to other people. I was so bereft of friendship and romantic love in the first fourteen years of my life that I think I had written it off entirely as a luxury of “real” people.
Part of me still pines for the Purple House days of sneaking into the ABC store at 8:55pm for the last bottle of Jim Beam, so we could sit on the porch on McCauley Street and play guitar all night. The rest of me, thank god, has some sense. I am so lucky to be with this woman, to have the friends I have, to have your attention every few days, that I feel an embarrassment of riches. Adding a yard monster to that seems like difficult perfection, and I couldn’t be more psyched.