The following was transcribed via a Morse Code variation from the baby currently residing inside my wife Tessa. When a certain word or phrase was unintelligible, I put the possible meaning in brackets [like this]. I hope I got most of it right.
Hello. Or not quite hello. I have roughly [two] more weeks until I will officially say hello, because I don’t exactly exist yet. My name is [unintelligible – begins with L, N or K?] and I wanted to give fair warning that I will be there soon. Wherever “there” is.
I have enjoyed my time here. It is warm, gooey and offers much in the way of nutrition. My host, who I will refer to as Maternal Unit, has been doing exactly the kind of jostling I like. I have four states of being: Awake and Kicking, Asleep and Kicking, Asleep, and Hiccuping. I confess I like the latter of these best of all. I will hiccup all night if I have to.
You may wonder how I am able to communicate with you. It is through an elaborate set of taps, kicks and [elbow swooshes] taught to me by a being I will call External Unit One. This External Unit is not my Maternal Unit, as I can differentiate their voices. External Unit One tends to become very agitated and I can often hear his high-pitched [complaining].
Yes, I dream. It may seem like I have nothing to dream about, but I hear almost everything, and about three months ago I was facing up and could detect light. Apparently in my youth, I was in a warmer climate. It has gotten much darker as I’ve grown. Maternal Unit says that by the time I am born, it will be light and “sunny again,” whatever that means.
There isn’t much room to move around anymore, and let’s face it, the fluids aren’t [holding the same charm] they once did. I don’t know why I am drawn to go lower in the Maternal Unit, but it seems right. It is time to say goodbye to this place. Once I loved every corner, and I explored, especially on the right side. But I am inexorably drawn away by an unseen force, more mysterious than I can know. External Unit One has hinted that this force is the [conundrum] faced by everyone on the Outside.
I am ready for it. I would like to see the Outside. I hope the journey there proves to be without too much pain for me, or the Maternal Unit. I am tired now and wish to go back to sleep, perchance to hiccup.
One last thing. I am told that there is a debate about when life starts here in my temporary home. I can’t remember anything more than five months ago. Before that, I was just a bundle of possibility and couldn’t have cared less. So here is your answer: life begins at four months. There you have it [you pro-life Republicans, so keep your hands off my mom and every other child-bearing female].
at least we think that’s what she said