wombmate wanted, non-smoker


The following was transcribed via a Morse Code variation from the baby currently residing inside my wife Tessa. When a certain word or phrase was unintelligible, I put the possible meaning in brackets [like this]. I hope I got most of it right.


Hello. Or not quite hello. I have roughly [two] more weeks until I will officially say hello, because I don’t exactly exist yet. My name is [unintelligible – begins with L, N or K?] and I wanted to give fair warning that I will be there soon. Wherever “there” is.

I have enjoyed my time here. It is warm, gooey and offers much in the way of nutrition. My host, who I will refer to as Maternal Unit, has been doing exactly the kind of jostling I like. I have four states of being: Awake and Kicking, Asleep and Kicking, Asleep, and Hiccuping. I confess I like the latter of these best of all. I will hiccup all night if I have to.

You may wonder how I am able to communicate with you. It is through an elaborate set of taps, kicks and [elbow swooshes] taught to me by a being I will call External Unit One. This External Unit is not my Maternal Unit, as I can differentiate their voices. External Unit One tends to become very agitated and I can often hear his high-pitched [complaining].

Yes, I dream. It may seem like I have nothing to dream about, but I hear almost everything, and about three months ago I was facing up and could detect light. Apparently in my youth, I was in a warmer climate. It has gotten much darker as I’ve grown. Maternal Unit says that by the time I am born, it will be light and “sunny again,” whatever that means.

There isn’t much room to move around anymore, and let’s face it, the fluids aren’t [holding the same charm] they once did. I don’t know why I am drawn to go lower in the Maternal Unit, but it seems right. It is time to say goodbye to this place. Once I loved every corner, and I explored, especially on the right side. But I am inexorably drawn away by an unseen force, more mysterious than I can know. External Unit One has hinted that this force is the [conundrum] faced by everyone on the Outside.

I am ready for it. I would like to see the Outside. I hope the journey there proves to be without too much pain for me, or the Maternal Unit. I am tired now and wish to go back to sleep, perchance to hiccup.

One last thing. I am told that there is a debate about when life starts here in my temporary home. I can’t remember anything more than five months ago. Before that, I was just a bundle of possibility and couldn’t have cared less. So here is your answer: life begins at four months. There you have it [you pro-life Republicans, so keep your hands off my mom and every other child-bearing female].

Love, Me.


at least we think that’s what she said

0 thoughts on “wombmate wanted, non-smoker

  1. alan

    “you pro-life Republicans, so keep your hands off my mom and every other child-bearing female”
    I believe that is the whole point of being pro-life. Hands-off!

  2. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Tessa looks like she is ready to roll. Perhaps it is time to start an online bet as to Peanut Unit’s arrival date. I’ll go first. My guess: born Friday, April 1 (April Fool’s Day, of course), 3am, 8.1 lbs., 21 inches long, with a shock of red hair. Winner gets middle naming rights!

  3. Josie

    It took my first pregnancy to really open my eyes to that “when-does-life-begin” debate. The experience really challenged my attitudes about abortion. In the end, I came away with an earlier ‘tipping point’ on the issue than you have.
    But what I am wondering is what experience informs pot-bellied, white haired old men in Washington who try to impose their attitudes upon me and my sisters?
    Today’s my due date, and I guess the weather is just too cruddy for Baby Boy to come out just yet. *Sigh*


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