tri, tri again

4/10/05

Today is my 3rd bloggiversary, meaning that I have been now doing this nightly bloviating for THREE YEARS. It’s amazing how things never end up how you planned, how they morph into such delightful creatures unrecognizable from their previous incarnations.

Three years ago tonight, I put my first regular entry into these pages, and although I’d posted a few sporadic, desperate evenings in 2001, I made a pact with myself that this would be different. I was going to chart the way Celexa addled my brain, but even in the first week, I got so wildly off-topic that it began to seem a little stupid to limit the blog to such dreary science as my own neurons.

At the time, I was in rough shape. I had not gotten over September 11, still paralyzed and quaking with fear of what horrors might lay in store, and rage at the people who had laid waste to my city. In essence, I had classic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is something (as a mediocre psych major) I could have told myself if I’d been able to think straight.

PTSD is a funny thing. I remember on the day itself, I wasn’t scared at all, just living off the incredible buzz that enveloped downtown. There was death all around us and rumors of close escapes, but I had just carried a family’s luggage up the West Side Highway in order to find their son, and knew I was Living in History. It wasn’t until October and November that the meat began to slide out of my sandwich.

These pages were borne out of a desperate desire to get better. In many ways, the combination of drugs, therapy and this web site has led me out of that fray, allowed me to ask Tessa to marry me, actually have it happen, and then, you know, someday, have this baby that has been in our bellies for about 9.2 months. The bitching and moaning, the post-election horror, the occasional utter despondency of making an independent film, and my garden-variety bleak existentialism all have a release valve on these pages.

The “comments” button was added by my brother Steve in October 2003, and without it, I probably would have stopped writing this a while ago. All of the regulars who come by, including the lurkers who occasionally say something utterly brilliant, you continue to electrify a connection to the outside world that I thought would have been lost by now to age and inertia. Of course, I wish a few more of you had your own blogs so I wasn’t the only one hanging brain around here, but not everyone can whore out their privacy like I do.

Which is another big change in this blog over the last three years. I’m no dooce, but with the several thousand folks coming here each week, I can’t do any of the following:

– use full names of anyone who could kick my ass

– talk about SSRI-related sexual dysfunction

– say anything about either of our families that they haven’t said about themselves

– discuss anyone I ever hope to work with

– run for Congress

I used to be so cavalier in these pages, back when nobody except my mom was reading, back when I had no idea about the power of Google. But with infinite searchability, and the fact that everything on here is cached on some hard drive in Nevada, I’m not worried anymore. So I don’t get to be a Senator. So I can’t say half the things I really feel. The blog does its job, even though it has been getting harder to contemplate each weeknight.

I dream of a day when I can hand the blog over to three or four other people, when we can all write a little bit each week and have some sort of community. Keep the name, but vary the content as I try to warm up bottles for the as-yet-born Peanut. Such a blogtopia could be in the future, but for now, I’d like to thank everyone for suffering through my belly-gazing horseshit and for helping me get through the last three years.

And to the nature of blogging itself: not quite a diary, not quite a therapist, not quite entertainment, not quite satisfying, and yet all of those at once.

IanTessamarquee5WNapa(bl2).jpg

T&me 4/15/02

0 thoughts on “tri, tri again

  1. jif

    i know i can’t compare – especially since i do not have the backpain or even one mega-zillionth of the angst of anticipation that you do… but everyday i come here hoping to see a picture of the ‘three of you,’ and everyday i heave a little sigh of disappointment – because while i am happy that you have been writing for three years, and that boobs have come out, and all such… i can’t take the wait anymore!!!! i know, i know, but honestly, i think I am starting to feel the back pain!!

    Reply
  2. oliver

    Happy anniversary, Ian! Thanks for the reality and insight, not to mention the commiseration, agitation, sum-uping and entertaining fluff. Add us all together and I bet we owe considerably more to this blog than you do. I feel like you’ve given me something, at least. Thanks!

    Reply
  3. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    No baby yet??? It is time for the two of you to get busy, if you know what I mean. Studies show that a little bit of past-due date loving can move things along. So, get your groove on, get the mojo flowing, and report back to us all tomorrow. Ha!

    Reply
  4. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Oh, and Happy Anniversary to you! You and your blog are wonderful, and one of the best parts of my mornings. Don’t worry, when you get busy in your new role as daddy, we all can always talk amongst ourselves, but I have a feeling you will be blogging more than you think. After all, you won’t be sleeping, so why not blog? You can rock Peanut to sleep in one arm and type on your lap top with the other hand.

    Reply
  5. CL

    Happy anniversary! Thank you for providing something really enjoyable to read in the mornings. …and yes, hurry up, Baby!

    Reply
  6. lyle

    ooooh, so THAT’S why you started this blog. i’d thought it was in order to help me find my college roommate when i googled her and then stumbled upon your site. so it’s not all about me, then?! har har.
    but seriously, ian, thank you for hooking me back up with virginia and for getting me hooked on your blog. indeed, your posts (and your comments section) helped me survive the hell of US prez election 2004. you continue to amuse and amaze me.
    here’s to the peanut arriving safely and SOON!

    Reply
  7. scruggs

    Happy anniv. and such.
    Other than oft recommended loving to speed up the onset of labor, a local restaurant is famed to have “the dish” (Eggplant Parm) to get the ball rolling. So head on down to Little Italy for some spicy Italian!

    Reply
  8. Chris

    Congratulations, Ian, for keeping on keeping on.
    Tessa and you — and now Peanut — are in my prayers — like it or not. ;)

    Reply
  9. Just Andrew

    3 years and your blog is still ad free!
    I thought today’s entry would more likely deal with the 1 week anniversary of UNC’s most recent National Title.
    For what it’s worth, last fall I was inspired by you to start my own blog. Did one entry. Sigh.

    Reply
  10. killian

    dittodittoditto–and I started my own blog, too, but can never remember my password. . .The tag- teaming that you and your family did while you and Tessa went South was quite great. . .maybe something along those lines again? and some of the rest of us can chime in?

    Reply
  11. Anne D.

    Every day or so I check your blog, Ian, expecting to read about The Arrival. (of Peanut, bien sur!) I’m glad you’re still blogging. I hear you about self-censorship; I had a nightmare Internet experience two years ago relating to some old crap someone found on Usenet with my name on it, so I’m pretty circumspect in my blog and other online forums these days. But blogging is still fun even if it can’t be the soul-baring bull session we might desire at times. Hope you’ll find a few moments between diaper changes to keep posting, even if only a few barely coherent sentences to let us know whassup. Cheers — Anne

    Reply
  12. Chris D

    It’s been a long time, but since I’ve been gratuitously lurking now for about five months, :) I figured I’d toss some thanks your way for keeping this blog. I know that this is a tough few weeks (nothing like being overdue) …. waiting for the universe to hit “high” on the cosmic blender containing your life, permanently altering its consistency and appearance. (I’ve been through it twice.) I’m sending good energy towards you and Tessa. Congratulations on everything. – chris

    Reply
  13. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Hello? Have you been getting busy like I recommended? I don’t think so, because I half-expected to come back here this afternoon and see some kind of “contractions have started” or “the water broke” or “we are having a baby and I forgot to take my Celexa” comment — some kind of indication that SOMETHING was HAPPENING. ANYTHING.
    I’ll be leaving work soon, so please, tonight, when the sky is dark and the moon is full (or whatever it is this time of month), go outside and do a moon dance for a good long time. That’s right. Stand in your yard or on your stoop and stare at the moon until something happens.
    Report back tomorrow. Bye for now!

    Reply
  14. Jane (the lurker)

    congratulations on the blog. nice post. lovely picture of you and Tessa. I check here every day that you post to see if Peanut has deigned to make an appearance.

    Reply
  15. KJF

    thank you ian for this daily treat. the only positive thing that resulted from the november election was finding your blog. now i have your site bookmarked and feel like a member of the family – anxiously awaiting our Peanut!!

    Reply
  16. joe

    In a day or two, you two will be a dad and mom. I’ve been following anonymously and wish you sweet happiness.

    Reply
  17. cullen

    Much-ass Gracy-Ass from me 2 on the blog, your riveting and often like-minded take on all things animal, mineral, and other-al. Keep it up I pray with proud and colorful diaper play by play.
    Kristin and I twice facilitated her middle of the night gushing water main breaks w/spirited basement ping-pong matches. Actually, I got the giggles both times and had to visit the big boy’s loo before we headed to the hospital just down the road.
    Ya’ll’s is a girl right, so enough with this masculine nickname Pee-Nut; that just screams boy pissing on mom’s roses.
    We’re all waiting on a dainty little Tar Hell Belle. Happy and Hippy Pushing.

    Reply

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