There has been so much obsession with the Apocalypse lately: the mini-boom in Revelation-based books, the ravings of the End of Days Christians, movies, TV shows and just about every pundit harping on Armageddon as though it were some kind of cool parlor trick. I have to say, I don’t quite get the allure.
There’s two kinds of apocalypses – the religious kind, and the secular kind. In the religious scenario, God descends upon the Earth, or Jesus, or somebody, and all of us rigid agnostic types are forced to eat crow, slap our heads and say “shit, if only we’d listened to the MORMONS!” There’s much gnashing of teeth, a lot of judgments, electronics stop working, and I’m sure it’s incredibly well art-directed.
The other kind would suck. A secular apocalypse would be some sort of nuclear meltdown, an environmental shift or a massive virus that wipes out life as we know it. This would take a fairly long time, as the last survivors eke out a dreadful existence, breathing their last in a cruel winter, all hope and joy utterly demolished. This is the far more likely scenario as apocalypses go, and pardon me for repeating myself, but what exactly the fuck is so cool about that?
Either way, why are we so presumptuous as to believe we’re the ones to get the End of Days? Crazy Christians never fail to amaze me; they think they’re so fucking special that God would have to make an appearance on their watch.
I refuse to believe that the end of the world is that arbitrary. It would also be tremendously unfair – I’m still in my thirties, for Christ’s sake. Shit, the baby in Tessa’s tummy is negative-three days! Why do WE have shoulder the fucking apocalypse? Furthermore, why do people seem so psyched to get it all over with?
Obsessing about the End Days is like meeting God and pissing on his leg. If you dig on Armageddon, you are truly beyond the reach of modern entertainment and should try self-flagellation or sensory deprivation tanks. Leave life for the living, and leave the springtime to those of us who still appreciate it every time it comes.