okay so you’re elvis or something

8/11/05

Ten Things Created in the Last Ten Years I Could Do Without

1. The Hummer – What a gargantuan piece of shit this car is, a testament to cock in its utter lack of nuance, a fuck-you mobile that extends its middle finger to the ozone as it thrashes down the freeway guzzling 400 gallons of ego per mile. Hummer owners, I’m calling you out: what is your problem? This shit isn’t funny anymore.

2. DVD navigation – How can we invent a game like Dance Dance Revolution, fix the Hubble telescope and fit 10,000 songs on a machine the size of a cigarette box… and still I can’t get anything to work from the “menu” of any DVD? You can’t fast-forward DVDs like VCRs used to; more often than not, you end up skipping to the end of the goddamn movie. Also, they don’t allow you to skip the FBI warning – what is this, Communist Kamchatka?

3. 2.4 GHz Wireless Telephones – Hey, I’ve got a great idea: let’s take the bandwidth that already has every garage door opener on it, not to mention every single internet wifi signal, and PUT A PHONE ON IT TOO? That way, you can be sure to fuck up the internet for everybody living within 200 feet of you, which in Manhattan means about 60 folks trying to check their email. Oh, and make the phones kind of suck, too.

4. Shamelessness – You might have hated Clinton for getting a blow job, and you might have hated his wife for trying to get you health care, but at least they had shame. When I think of modern Republicans, I’m reminded of the scene in “Goodfellas” when Henry Hill describes the “Fuck you, pay me” ethos of mob goons. This government has a trademark on cruelty, brazenness and self-righteous dunderheadedness.

5. Cell Phone Service in Los Angeles – Can someone please tell me why I’m paying for this? How can the 2nd largest city in America have worse cell phone coverage than rural Iowa? And don’t tell me it’s because the mountains; if they did it right, the mountains would actually help. If you wonder why movies are so bad right now, it’s because nobody creative can ever finish a conversation.

6. “Strappleberry” flavor – I can take “tutti-frutti” and “mixed berry” flavor, but “strappleberry” sounds like a focus-group name that allows you to actually taste the Polysorbate 60 sliding down your throat. It also sounds like an anal fungus sore. You know it does.

7. “That Don’t Impress Me Much” by Shania Twain – It isn’t that Shania Twain does these little spoken-word coos to begin each song (like “uh-huh!” or “come on, girls!”), it’s that “Impress” has several spoken sections like “okay, you’re Brad Pitt” that are so ear-screechingly awful that I want to claw my own forehead off from utter twee. Also, this song mentions someone who is too smart, too good-looking, or too in love with his car(?) to have the “touch,” as if those things were mutually exclusive. Plus, she’s Canadian and Canadians should know better.

8. Magnetic tags in pants – Please, cashier, can you just remove these motherscratchers when I buy them? I’m really sick of setting off the alarms in other stores because you didn’t snip off the ferrite coil stitched into my crotch.

9. Dook’s and K’s 3rd Championship – I know we – CAROLINA, that is – just won it all, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to go back and erase 2001. It makes perfect sense that a year that saw the illegal instatement of a frat boy as President and the worst terrorist attack in American history would also see a Dook championship. I’m just happy that the world seems to have righted itself from those awful, awful times.

10. Blogs – Hello? IS THIS THING ON?!?

0 thoughts on “okay so you’re elvis or something

  1. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    God, I love “Goodfellas.” It is my all-time favorite movie!
    Since I am always full of complaints, I would like to add to your list the following: the proliferation of reality TV (what garbage!) and the backlash against working moms (i.e.: if you were truly a “good” mother, you’d be home with your baby instead of pursuing your own professional goals)
    The one thing invented in the past 10 years that I could definitely NOT do without? Lexapro, Baby!

    Reply
  2. Greg from Winston Dorm

    dook’s (never, ever capitalize the name Ian) 2nd National Championship. chrissy laettner should have been disqualified for stomping on the chest of a player and then he never makes that shot–the one that still gives Pitino the cold sweats in the middle of the night.
    At least during our reign in Chapel Hill, the Tar Heels beat them more than they beat us.
    And, let’s not forget, WE are the National Champions right now.

    Reply
  3. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Caveman, you aren’t in reality my Boss at the Insurance Job, keeping track of my internet surfing, are you? I’d hate to be dooced for being a blog READER each morning. . . .

    Reply
  4. JD

    I agree mostly. However, weren’t 2.4 ghz phones around long before wifi was even brainstormed?
    Oh, and I HATE Shania Twain.

    Reply
  5. Joe

    I’m genuinely surprised you stopped yourself at ten – that’s showing more restraint than I ever could’ve. And not one regrettable band on here, when there have been sooooo many to choose from – dude, where is the hate?

    Reply
  6. tregen

    sorry to jump on the band wagon here but….
    11. Fox news / O’Reily – Can anyone actually watch this crap?
    12. All the othe news outlets.
    13. AP – Not to sound like Joe C here but is there any real doubt that the AP is more or less a propaganda machine for our government? The associated press has to crawling with spook types.
    14. everything else.

    Reply
  7. Dan

    I ahve to agree about the LA cell phone thing. You would think the phones were MADE for this city, yet I can’t get a signal on one of the largest movie studios in the world. It is insane.

    Reply
  8. kjf

    how about those “baby on board” stickers on cars?
    and i’m guessing that laurie posts at an ungodly hour because she is a working mother ( i know ALL mothers are working mothers but you know what i mean) and the crack o’ dawn is the only time her kids and husband and office leave her alone!!!
    and as for the cell phone service in los angeles….it sucks. my kids both live there and have been through every service provider and have concluded that the best service is verizon (and cingular – or whatever they are now – is the worst)

    Reply
  9. Claudia

    Ladies’ room toilets that flush automatically, usually at inopportune times. Flushing, much like wiping, is something I prefer to take care of myself, thank you very much.

    Reply
  10. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Sorry to be a blog hog — I guess that is one of the side effects of being at work at 7am, especially during the summer. Come on, admit it, you TOO wish you could be a corporate tool at work at 7am instead of sleeping in your comfortable beds! Anyway, I will try to follow blog etiquette and use more self-restraint. . . : )

    Reply
  11. DB

    I have to second Shania Twain. During the “talking” part of the song, I always say, “So you’ve got a ten inch cock.” Makes me laugh. The wife, not so much.
    Speaking of cocks/Hummers, have you checked out fuh2.com? Pix of people flipping off Hummer drivers. Insanely great.
    Are you sure it’s not “Streppleberry?” As in Streptococcus?
    LFMD does fucking rock.

    Reply
  12. LFMD

    Oh, and I forgot to say that Ian fucking rocks, Cutie Pie Lucy fucking rocks, his loving wife and family fucking rock, all of his brilliant friends fucking rock, and all of his insightful readers and commenters fucking rock the roof off of the house!
    And Big Mac Daddy Chopin fucking rocks most of all!

    Reply
  13. Jeff in Davidson

    How about all of those “Information Panels” on the interstate? You think they could give you some useful information like, “You really need to take the next exit because this four lane interstate is going to dwindle down to one lane and you are going to SIT, SIT, SIT IN YOUR FUCKING CAR FOR THE NEXT TWO AND A HALF HOURS AND ONLY MOVE 1.5 MILES HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!”
    Instead you get, “DOT Test Message”

    Reply
  14. Matt

    “Hummer owners, I’m calling you out: what is your problem? This shit isn’t funny anymore.”
    My Ankeny, Iowa neighbors have two, a His and a Hers. That is a bit… what’s the word? Vainglorious? Thing of it is, if you complained to them about it they might buy a third just out of spite.
    Somebody above complained about the AP being a tool of our government. Google “AP bias” and see what you find.

    Reply
  15. James

    Adding to the list of things… I could really do without those stupid magnetic faux ribbons that people stick to their cars. You know, the ones proclaiming the vehicle owners support for this or that? Really, you’re just supporting the Chinese company that manufactures magnetic stickers. Try sending that dollar to a charity if you REALLY care.

    Reply
  16. Craig S. Cottingham

    James — I seem to recall seeing (or at least reading about) magnetic ribbons that read “I Support Some Guy in China Who Made This Ribbon”.

    Reply
  17. zane

    What do ‘baby on board’ signs do, anyway? Are you supposed to be careening toward that car in an out-of-control drunken police chase, see the sign and just stop? Seriously, what the hell are they for?

    Reply
  18. Luke

    I had to stop listing the things I hate, as the lists were getting too big. Instead I list the things I like, as there are less of them and the lists are easier to make.

    Reply

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