everyone’s a captain kirk

8/24/05

One obvious by-product of our zany Hollywood sojourns is the frequent spotting of stars past and present in pretty much every place we go. We’ve dealt with many kinds of stars – from last year’s Naked TV show, which had people on the brink of fame – to Lucy’s unbelievable amount of flirting and smiling with currently-hot Rachel Weisz and Famke Janssen last week.

The other sort of celebrity is one whose star has faded, and obviously, they’re the most populous. You see them sitting at the next table at lunch, pulling up to the stoplight in an old BMW, even yakking it up in a bar with a few similarly ex-famous friends. American culture cruelly calls these people “has-beens,” but today Tessa decided that she thinks being a “has-been” is actually quite nice. She figures it absolves you of past experience and allows you – if you let it – to get on with the next phase of your life.

I’m with her on that one, because the snarky assholes who always go on about “has-been” are never-weres themselves, most likely having never distinguished themselves in any field except sarcasm and schadenfreude.

The same goes for music snobs talking shit about “one-hit wonders”: they have one more hit than you ever had, you sniping butthole. Sure, you can denigrate Nena and Animotion all you want, but they also have a nice platinum record hanging in the hallway if you ever want to visit.

I say be nice to your has-beens; they put themselves out on the line for you, brought happiness to your younger, less cynical self, and ask for nothing in return but a simple nod and smile in their direction. Oh, and maybe the upper right-hand box on Hollywood Squares.

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0 thoughts on “everyone’s a captain kirk

  1. jif

    hey – Nena is huge in Germany – then and now! Sie ist kein ‘war-sein’ – sie ist immer heiss – heute und gestern!
    although – i suppose David Hasselhof is also huge there… hmmm…

    Reply
  2. ken

    I agree with the fact that ‘has-beens’ have achived more fame than most of us ‘never-beens’, but I witnessed an episode in which a has-been tried to secure a table at a popular Chicago restaurant (on a busy Friday night) by using his faded fame. I felt really sad seeing him try and almost wanted to give up my table for him but he eventually gave up and left.

    Reply
  3. Just Andrew

    block pulls out the Metal Flake Mother reference – nicely done sir.
    my question is, how well does the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle apply to has beens? (quite nicely, I think)

    Reply
  4. Bud

    lyle – I was in a bicycle shop yesterday, and “Shiny Shiny” by Haysi Fantayzee came on the in-store music. I was instantly *teleported* back to 1983, listening to this bizarre song for the first time in bed on my headphones after I was supposed to be asleep.
    That music was … the future. And as Yogi Berra put it so well, the future ain’t what it used to be.

    Reply
  5. Jason McKean

    You are a [bright beacon of hope for all of us]. I hope someone does the world a favor and [gives you lots of sugar cereals].
    [edited by the Moderator]

    Reply
  6. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Just online and checking out your blog. Who the hell is Jason McKean? What the fuck is the deal with his message? Unless his comment is some kind of obscure Animotion lyric that I don’t know about, I would block him.
    I mean, WTF??? This got my blood pressure up.
    Fuck you, Jason McKean. We are a protective bunch of blog readers, we love Ian, he is a father with a young baby for God sake, and I don’t appreciate your sentiment at all. Oh, and I did I already say, “Fuck You”?

    Reply
  7. stalker

    and by the way i completely agree with you. people sometimes CHOOSE (gasp) other careers besides music, acting, whatever, even when things are heading up. i have a friend who used to act all the time and who had some fame and decided to quit b/c of the people she had to work with everyday. now she works with rescued dogs. to look at people who once were as failures is to ignore or simply not understand the evolution of self. not everyone wants to do the same thing everyday for the rest of their lives.

    Reply
  8. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    I didn’t know if Jason was for real or not. Later on, I thought perhaps his comment was an obscure quote from a movie. Ugh. And he made me unleash the F word, which I try to save for rare occasions!

    Reply
  9. badbob

    “…….are never-weres themselves, most likely having never distinguished themselves in any field except sarcasm and schadenfreude.”
    Hmmmmmm.
    B2

    Reply
  10. Ian

    Oh badbob, the sad thing is that you think you’re awfully clever. Your ability to eternally miss the point is truly something to behold.

    Reply

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