So it has come to this: Chopes has a tumor just about everywhere you can have a tumor, and his back legs are so weak that I have to push him up the stairs. He started peeing uncontrollably on all our carpets, and every once in a while takes a dump in the hallway. He wipes out every time he tries to make a right turn – and the night of the party, he ate a box of chocolate. He is about to be sixteen years old.
And yet, he still waggles his tail, prances around the entire place like a scrounge hound, barks at all the delivery guys, and once I get him going outside, he even runs alongside me. In short, if you weren’t cleaning up after him – and if you didn’t have an ultrasound providing a window to his insides – you’d swear he was about five.
Tessa and I are in agreement: you don’t kill a dog for your convenience. Even though he threatens to turn our apartment into a third-world jail latrine, he has given us so many years of loyal service that you just have to keep cleaning up. Put it this way: he was conceived in the 1980s. He howled outside Graham Hall when I was still a student at Carolina. The dog stays until he explodes.
Which does bring up an issue. There are no good dog diapers anywhere on the market. The disposable ones fall off when he starts to walk, and the permanent diapers with removable liners don’t cover his wiener. So I have to ask: there are a lot of frickin’ aging incontinent dogs in this world, and nobody has the cajones to step up to the plate for a real diaper?
Finally, I had to think outside the box. The last time I bought Depends™ diapers it was Halloween 1991 when I tested them myself, and I didn’t think I’d be doing that again until the year 2060. But there I was at the Key Foods on 5th Avenue in Brooklyn with a giant MonsterPak of Depends™ with every chick in line looking at me like I was about to pee on them. Man, it’s great to be married.
Anyway, I got them home, cut a tail hole and strapped ol’ Chopes in. And I have to say, so far, so good. If an adult diaper works on Señor Poopypants, then he can fade into the sunset for as long as he likes.