here’s your hat, what’s your hurry


Dearest J Boogie:

You are, in many ways, why the internet doesn’t work. Every living organism needs its nasty rotavirus, and it seems as if you are ours. Your mean-spirited, reactionary, crazy-ass wingnut ramblings used to be purely philosophical, but have recently degenerated into calling attention to perceived problems with my appearance, which has turned your comments from merely wrong to lamentably pathetic.

I have given you a long, long leash, especially when I can delete anything you say with the merest click of the mouse. I have allowed you to ramble on in this forum, mostly because I think your argumentative tone – as well as your opinions – are so twisted that they actually lend credence to my side of the spectrum by comparison. In essence, you’ve always been an unbelievably rude cad, but I’ve come to enjoy your occasional outbursts of effluvium powered by the blood of the unbelievers.

But you have grown tiresome, drunk with the power of anonymity that I, ironically, keep giving you. First, a word about my face: it has always been fat, even when I’m skinny. I have the hugest head in North America; nary a hat fits me. Badly-cropped pictures make me look like a bloated fool, but in person, my large-headedness has served to keep me looking preternaturally young. Not that it has been all cakes and roses (I still get carded), but something nice to have around as I approach my 40th birthday in a few years.

And, to validate another one of your criticism, I indeed am “pill-popping,” that is, if one pill of Celexa thrown into my mouth around midnight each night constitutes “popping.” Guilty as charged. I might also tell you that I “pop” an Allopurinol (300 mg) every night, which as Neva can tell you, is because I have gout.

But, in all seriousness, enough about me. I would not normally call you out like this, or even dignify your “comments” with a blog, but quite frankly, you’re bumming out my wife. And a lot of my friends, at least the ones that don’t think that you’re actually Lindsay writing in disguise.

So I’ll make a deal with you. I will continue to abide your rancor and allow you to say whatever you want (as long as it doesn’t slag other individuals, which has always been the rule here), if you provide a link to a web page with some personal info about – or a picture of – you. As Andy Partridge says, I’ve “wobbled my pork about” on these pages for years, so I get to say whatever I want. But I’m afraid you must pay for your venality by giving up some of your anonymity.

So provide us some kind of biographical information, and/or post a picture – it can be anything you like. And don’t provide a link to the RNC, or aborted fetuses, or someone who isn’t you, as it will be as obvious as a fart in a car. Step up to the plate and unveil at least a small part of yourself, and you can have your say on this website as long as it exists.

If not, I’m afraid you’ll be asked to leave. I think it only fair.

0 thoughts on “here’s your hat, what’s your hurry

  1. Matt

    “…mostly because I think your argumentative tone – as well as your opinions – are so twisted that they actually lend credence to my side of the spectrum by comparison.”
    Yes, and for that reason I would’ve pulled the plug on him long ago. But I like your proposal.

  2. Laurie from Manly Dorm

    Come out, come out, wherever you are!
    I have been reading this blog for quite a while now, and I was always confused by jboogie (and bad bob and caveman, for that matter). Who are these folks? I thought jboogie might have been a friend, or maybe your brother Sean, until things got mean, that is. Oh well. Out yourself, jboogie!
    You’ve been more than abiding, Ian. Anyone who would have the nerve to point out MY double chin would have been deleted and blocked long ago. (By the way, you are even more adorable now than you were in college! Stop with the self-deprecating remarks!)
    This is your blog, and we are all your guests. A certain amount of courtesy and manners is expected. More importantly, if jboogie bums out Tessa, he needs to be shown the door. Now. And jboogie: don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

  3. Scott M.

    I probably wouldn’t have given the bastard the validation and attention that this post gives him. It’s probably all he wanted – for someone to notice him (so starved for attention that negative attention will do).
    In any case, he’s an insufferable prick and I hope he just goes away rather than posting some bogus link.

  4. Chris M

    Like others I have suspected jboogie was a fictitious character (characture?)…sort of Tim Robbins playing ‘Bob Roberts’. I can say without hesitation that, based on the photos shown here, Ian has never looked better. Medication, marriage, and fatherhood worked, apparently.
    Because I didn’t see eye to eye with Ian on some things I privately let him know via email who I was before I commented…this is because I actually felt and continue to feel considerable empathy for him and his family for a number of specific reasons — especially our both having gone through 9/11 here in NYC. I have been far too analytical and argumenative in this format to express these things in my comments and I have some regrets about this. For a number of reasons, I show a very limited aspect of my personality and beliefs here. Also, I would feel really badly if Tessa disliked me or I have caused gratuitous pain or both. To me, when the wife doesn’t like you, you’ve usually screwed up badly. Life is short — I try to remember that we should treat others with respect and try to enjoy it — those two things go together.

  5. Anne D.

    Ian, the Boogie Man will never out himself. He is a typical troll. I have known many on the Internet (check out Usenet groups sometime! whoa). A large percentage seem to be sociopaths, and I do mean that in a clinical sense. They thrive on attention and love to stir the pot.
    If I were you, I’d simply ban the idiot now and save yourself some time. Your blog is not a democracy. It’s more like a newspaper, and YOU are the editor.
    Team Ian! :-)

  6. Kevin from Philadelphia

    That was well said, and as stated above, I doubt that Boogie will return.
    Only knowing you all through various rambling and posits on “the internets”, I wouldn’t mind putting faces with names occasionally. Most of you seem to know eachother through university and whatnot, whereas I, apparently much younger than most of you (25), just sit back and enjoy the view.

  7. Salem

    Ian. Babe. I prefer your first approach to this ape. His own words are do more harm to his credibility than any critique of his ham-handed attacks. Every “Young Republicans” meeting in America has one of these. It’s usually the idiot son of the local alcoholic painter that blames his troubles on them “wet backs” and “color’d’s”. Unfortunately, it’s really tough to get a conviction on date rape, so some of these guys make it to the adult world as Best Buy appliance salesman where they have access to the internet.
    Doesn’t he know what they say about big heads?
    You have my word that I will not tell him how you order your Starbucks. I do not want your virility on trial as well.
    Love ya,

  8. kent

    I’m betting J Boogie folds, Ian. I’m one of the few people around here that has been on the net since the early eighties, and trolls, like the poor, will always be with us, but their courage derives from their anonymity.
    J Boogie isn’t just a sniggering little reactionary turd, he’s a coward, and worse, you can’t even argue with him, because he’s going to just continue to talk his crack right past what anyone else says.
    And Ian, we all got fat faces and double chins from our Welsh forbears. Wobble that wattle with Celtic Pride.
    And if anyone wants to know what I look like,
    I’m on the right, and on the left is my club kid homey Sarah. In the interest of full disclosure, my mustache was recently lost in a shaving accident.
    Every picture of me, Ian, is less flattering than the worst picture of you.

  9. lee

    I think we should place bets on whether or not he opens up. I’d put $10 on NOT!
    How can we do a blog-pool??? Surely there’s some big odds here. And you can tell if it’s really him, right?

  10. J.Boogie

    wow, truth hurts, huh Ian ?
    I knew the left-wing fool Ian wouldn’t address the main points of yesterday’s post; that he is the one driving cross-country, that he is the one who travels to UNC just to watch a basketball game, I didn’t expect fat Ian to address those points today.
    Like I always say, what is most important about Ian’s blog is the stuff he doesn’t say. The Democratic mayor of Orlando, Florida was indicted yesterday for voter fraud, fat Ian did not say a word about that today. Also, double-chinned Ian usually gives us a story from the NY TIMES, Ian never told us today that a woman the NY TIMES profiled on March 8 is not, in fact, a victim of Hurricane Katrina–and was arrested for fraud and grand larceny yesterday. The stuff fattie Ian excludes is more important than the stuff he includes.
    I will show you a picture of me right after you show us a picture of the odometer on your car, since you brought up the subject first.

  11. Beth

    LFMD, you have beautiful hair, right up there with Ian’s. (Might as well start neutralizing some of the zingers being lobbed around here of late.)
    Who was it that dubbed the troll J. Booger? That’s my favorite.

  12. Claudia

    LOVE the idea of neutralizing zingers!
    Ian, you’re a great writer. With an adorable baby. And a nice smile.
    LFMD, you really do have beautiful hair.

  13. Anne D.

    Hey, I like that some are posting links to their photos. It’s great to put names with faces. I am viewable at my humble blog:
    I work, have 3 kids, and on my one day off I take care of our granddaughter (4 months old). Ergo I am generally too busy to bother harassing and flaming people on the Internet — never mind keeping my own blog up to date! I gotta figure trolls are true losers.

  14. Mom

    If JBoogie had couched his (perfectly accptable) questions about Ian’s odometer and his JetBlue bill, without the 3rd-grade, semi-literate, foaming-at-the-mouth attackss, no one would want him dumped. He might evenhave made a point or two. As it is, we can never get past the guttersnipe (my grrandmother’s favorite term for such people) invective. There are several conservative commenters who turn up in this space, and though I’m a a leftist peacefreak, I enjoy reading those posts, even when I disagree. It’s true discourse.
    JBoogie is infantile and nasty, and therefore ineffective, but should be banned, not for his views, but because his language and manner pollute this space.

  15. dean from Bub's and Troll's

    Mom, a few quick points . . .
    I hope I am one of the conservative posters you enjoy and, if not, I shall continue to harbor aspirations to be one.
    Second, to imply that the Boogie Man is a conservative poster is unfair to all of us who wear the label proudly, respctfully, and honorably. We don’t want him either!
    Third, GO LSU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. mcf

    down with guttersnipe!! i agree with Mom — the most effective way to dilute your argument/lose all credibility is to make personal attacks. may j. boogie’s nastiness be forever banned!

  17. wottop

    1. If you want to have a rational discussion of an issue, leave the personal attacks out. They are the sign of a weak mind.
    2. If you feel so strongly about your opinions, then write your own daily blog about the problems you see with the left-wingers. It is just plain lazy to wait for Ian to spend time writing so you can run along behind and yell “No, it isn’t”.
    3. Do something constructive with your time. In other words GET A LIFE. Ian seems to have one, he tells us about it. You do not, you try to piss on Ian’s.
    Moderate means I think both sides are full of shit.

  18. ken

    I tend to agree about what most people are saying about J. Boogie (personal attacks based on appearance aren’t nice) and feel he ought to show his face (though how can we truly know if it’s real or not?). He does make one valid point which is the contradiction of Ian decrying our dependance on oil when he drives as much as he does. Prius or not, he still uses a lot of oil driving cross-country as many times a year as he makes the trip.
    As always, when I comment here I link to my own blog, not for blatant self-promotion but to be accountable for my words. You can also view numerous photos of my enormous sized 7 3/4 head there too.

  19. CP

    I have a tiny pea-sized head. and glasses. and I’m not very tall. it all sort of works.
    edith is a good dog.
    j. boogie on the other hand is a bad party guest; not someone I would want in my salon (not like jonathan salon, more like old french living room, only on the internet), nor someone I would EVER allow to piss off the women in my life. opinions aside, he seems to have no grace, charm, brains or class. glad you addressed this.
    by the way, rebecca’s pilot idea yesterday (was it yesterday?) was pretty good.

  20. Steph Mineart

    Ian, you’re way more polite than I am, which is a very nice thing and a lovely example for me to emulate. Thanks for going well-mannered route; I see it so rarely that it hasn’t sunk itself into my head yet.

  21. J.Boogie

    Ok, fun’s over (fatty).
    I’ll come clean. This is Lindsay. I post under the name J.Boogie (fatty fat fat).
    I am also Matt, piglet, Kent and Laurie From Manly Dorm. And salem. Sometimes, when I get overwhlemed with all the posting, I get several of your in-laws and about a half doezen former roommates to fill-in. But they never post as themselves.
    This whole comments section has been a carefully crafted psy-ops mission using secret blogging moves taught to be by the government in order to send you over the deep end (fatty). Just for kicks, really. The government has gotten pretty mean this days.
    That whole Canada thing was a soundstage in Manteo and the only real posters on this entire blog are you and your Mom.
    Here is my picture. I am the guy on the right with the “O” on my trim chest:
    OK, not really. But I’m flattered that people thought it was me. Kinda. Until the recent fat stuff, that is. I’m no Sunny Kumar, myself. Unless, of course, I *am* actually Sunny Kumar.
    Lindsay (really, this is Scott)

  22. Scott

    Pull the plug. I’m no contracts lawyer, but it seems to me J. Boogie has already failed to live up to his end of the deal.

  23. Scott F.

    Well, I am a contracts lawyer (one of the Scotts here needs to be) and J Boogie has NOT provided sufficient consideration to satisfy the offer originally made by Ian. (S)he is now officially living on borrowed time.

  24. michelle

    Holy crapballs, that was funny, Ian. You just brightened my day.
    So, he’s out, right? He refused to come clean, so he’s out. He doesn’t just bum out your wife, by the way, but also your little sister. I’ve actually become quite adept at seeing his name and immediately scrolling down to the next entry- I no longer even have morbid curiosity, but it makes me 4% less happy just to know he’s still here. So please, no mas.

  25. eric g.

    Long live Sunny Kumar! Speaking of Sunny, he lives in Atlanta now, is married, and works in management for the Home Depot company (to which he lovingly refers as “Big Orange”). I know I will never meet a more unique character. (And he’s still skinny.)

  26. Suzanne

    You ROCK, Ian! That was awesome! I agree-it’s time to pick and flick or stick the boogie. In all seriousness though, you’re a brave guy to put yourself out there the way you do day after day. People have a right to disagree with your views. But I think there’s a line that’s been crossed. Not only is JBoogie spiteful and mean-spirited. He’s gotten downright creepy now. He’s no longer giving anything to the dialog. He’s a waste of time and I would suggest moving on. And I have a tiny head and no chin.

  27. Rebecca

    Laurie, it’s nice to see how the little orphan Annie curls look on a grown up. They’re beautiful! I am going to show your picture to my daughter, who has the same Annie look from your childhood. And Helen is adorable. Is she in first grade?
    Ian, enough already with this guy. He’s clearly not half the man you are, and you gave him a chance. Fuck him. Some people never play fair.
    Oh, and thanks to CP and Laurie for liking my pilot idea!

  28. Chris M

    (Kool & The Gang)
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Get down, get down
    Jungle Boogie
    Jungle Boogie
    Get it on
    Jungle Boogie
    Jungle Boogie
    Get it on
    Jungle Boogie
    Jungle Boogie
    Jungle Boogie
    Get down with the Boogie
    Jungle Boogie
    (Come and shake it around)
    Jungle Boogie
    Help and get down…
    ….etc. etc. etc.

  29. CP

    for real. I have meetings the next couple weeks. for shits and giggles, only half-kidding, I might pitch it once or twice.
    there would of course be a character based on j. boogie. he’d be a survivalist, living alone in a cabin deep in the woods (michigan sounds right), perhaps having recently been cast out of some people’s army/militia bullshit for insubordination, who lives off his disability check and can therefore spend the majority of his time trolling the internet; spending hours upon days rambling to himself and his online pals about the second amendment, the fat left-wing stooge ian, the government, and of course “the land”.
    casting ideas: randall “tex” cobb, will patton, william mapother, courtney gains, gary busey.
    (just spitballing…)

  30. LFMD

    Eek!!!!!! I just clicked on my photo, and it completely filled the screen. Yikes! I didn’t mean to give you all a larger than life photo of me and Helen. Hope that it shows a small photo to you guys. Better yet, DON’T CLICK IT. Ian, more props to you for posting all of your photos (awkward years included) . . . I just posted one photo in an embedded comment, and I have freaked myself out.
    Anyway, thanks for the compliments about my hair . . . now I know you people are just being nice! You guys are what my grandmother calls GOOD PEOPLE.
    CP – Edith is adorable!

  31. Rebecca

    William Mapother definitely fills the creepy quotient, but he might be too attractive for the role. Steve Buscemi? Then again, maybe he should be fat and ugly. I have no suggestions for that.
    How about Montana? Brings to mind the unibomber. Or maybe he’s a closeted gay cowboy! To paraphrase Annie Proulx, nothing good ever happens in Montana.
    See, I knew it would be fun to write him for TV!!
    Now regarding the stay at home mom, how about Courtney Cox or Jennifer Garner. They probably don’t want full time jobs, and this could be perfect.
    If you make millions I will simply ask that you put one of my kids through Carolina. They will be out-of-state students.
    Have a great day and thanks for making me laugh!

  32. Muse of Leviathan

    I discovered your blog a year or so ago and have been a faithful reader ever since. Recently I started my own blog and have had a great time expressing myself. I (without your permission, SORRY) posted a link to your blog when I started writing in January. Last week, I had my first encounter with my own “j. boogie.” What a loser. Your entry today gave me pause for thought as to how I handled the situation, and, I have come to the conclusion that you are simply a better person than I. I banned my commentor the second the name calling started. You rock Ian.
    I do have one point of contention though. I truly believe that I have the largest head in the world. And now I’ll have to think about whether or not my cranium is responsible for people thinking I am at least ten years younger than I actually am. I’ll give you my circumfrence if you give me yours.
    Muse L

  33. kent

    What I really want to know is whether the Prius can be tricked into spelling EAT ME, or if that was Photoshop. You should rock your real odometer setting though. I’m dying to see what kind of twat J Boogie is.
    But to address his specific question: We’re all Americans (well probably most of us), we all drive cars, we all take planes. Ian drives a Prius which has a smaller carbon footprint than most of the cars on the road. Sitting at home and not traveling — especially when it’s a condition of your vocation — is stupid.
    Besides people on roadtrips are either using mass transit of some sort (jets count too), or they’re running their vehicles at their maximum efficiency. If people would trade down to more efficient cars, and use public transport whenever possible we could cut fossil fuel consumption a lot.
    For that matter, if we replaced incandescent lightbulbs with compact fluorescents, it would signficantly cut the amount of coal burned in power plants.
    In Europe, nearly every building is equipped with timer or motion sensor switches, so stairwells and hallways aren’t illuminated when no one is there. I remember many times when I worked in Paris when I retired to the WC for some meditation time, being plunged into darkness for not discharging my #2 with sufficient alacrity.
    The USA just plain wastes a lot of non-renewable energy because we’re lazy, and we can. We could still maintain nearly all of the lifestyle we’re accustomed to, and still reduce our consumption by just being a little smarter and more committed to conservation.

  34. xuxE

    that odometer picture is priceless.
    i vote for the suckafree blog version. just scrape jboogie off the bottom of your shoe and be done with it.
    glad you liked the track from the *real* j boogie, lee!

  35. CP

    laurie — thank you. she’s a handful, has taught me the meaning of responsibility, and is a funny little creature. all told, very glad to have her around.
    (and love the hair!)
    rebecca — if this goes, will have my agency call UNC/chapel hill’s admissions office and set up a trust.
    other casting ideas…
    for j. boogie: jon gries, chris bauer
    for the stay-at-home mom: arija bareikis, judy greer
    for the punk-rock mom: lisa edelstein, allison janney
    for edith: edith

  36. xuxE

    ok, little sidebar comment, kent i clicked your link, that is too cool, big up!
    we have something in common –
    “it’s a spiritual thing, a body thing, a soul thing” :)
    sorry for the interruption, please continue with the j boogie exorcism.

  37. Alan

    I am a contracts lawyer, too, and I think the obvious remedy is not banishment so much as total expungment so that all trace of the guy is stripped. Heck, Duke just lost to LSU so you are obviously on the kind of high that can drive the sweet scripting of a little code to provide for the righteous and utter eradication of the nin-cow-poop.

  38. salem's little sister

    Umm . . Rebecca? I posted the idea for a show based on Ian’s blog a few weeks ago. I’ve spent an hour trying to find it, but of cousrse I can’t. It was sometime when LFMD was asking about the premise of the real show. I didn’t want to steal your sunshine, but . . . I sorta am. I promise I tried to find my comment and not pull a James Frey.

  39. flaco

    j.booger, practice your dimestore sophistry in another section of the virtual playground please
    here is his true identity
    ian, you want I should sniff out his open ports and such? I think his computer would love to share some cycles pro bono
    actually, the solar plexis vibe I’m getting with this fucktwit is NY, north of the city, hudson valley. age is a tough one but I am going with mid 20s, socially inept, chode penis at best, comes home from crap job and watches 3 hours of foxspews with the volume way up, eats a lot of tuna fish, even his 90 second sex fantasies are dull and specious

  40. Rebecca

    Salem’s Little Sister:
    I don’t recall your post (I usually only read once a day, but had to come back to see the boogie-bashing today), but I certainly believe you. No need to prove it to me! It wasn’t that big of a stretch after all:) So perhaps CP will set up a trust for your child too.
    Hooray for LSU!

  41. KTS

    I’m drunk and calm. Dook lost! And Texas won – I bet on West Virginia with the spread and Texas to win , so it was double fun! Jboogie is, well, I don’t know who he is. I doubt he is who he appears to be. In any case, good riddance.
    A question: I’m a total quandary about buying a television. I had a beautiful Mitsubishi for 18 years, and then she died on me. What screens do you guys watch? No rush. TVs are changing really fast these days, as I’ve learned from multiple visits to Circuit City and Best Buy.

  42. Father Tim

    Ian, nicely played. J Boogie froze today and all he could muster was, in essence, “BUT YOU STARTED IT!” Sweep the Leg, Johnny. Pain Does Not Exist in the XTCIAN dojo, Sensei.

  43. Anne D.

    Lee said above: “Anne D, why do you look so familiar here in NC??”
    Well, I don’t know! I’ve never been to NC. I do have good friends, a married couple, who teach at UNC and work at Dook, respectively. I hope to get down to visit them sometime.

  44. badbob

    Why would you want to ban jboogie? Or anyone for that matter? How would y’all express yourself and your “thoughts” without a foil like him?
    Personally, as a conservative, I only attack faulty ideas and obvious illogic. I will continue to check in once in a while to make sure I can inject a little common sense into the mix…I’d hate to see y’all drift into that langorous, drug induced netherworld world of Coastopia, which is the reason I cam along in the first place. I view my role as that of cold water in the face.
    Ian- Yesterday I rode in my friends Prius for the first time- quiet. He had the LCD with GPS and all the bells/whistles. Amazing to see the efficiency curves. The map is neat too although while we were playing with it we missed a turnoff! I might get one.
    Go UCONN!

  45. Ian

    badbob – you are always welcome here. The Prius’ navigation is pretty sweet, huh? I have grown very cartologically lazy with it – when I’m in other cars, I look on the dashboard expecting to see where I am, and then get lost.

  46. babdbob

    Dig this: Two engineers driving in a Prius. One trying to explain the fuel mileage metrics being displayed while also using the nav and that neat head down display. Two U-turns later we arrived.
    With the engine turning itself on/off how’s the heat in winter, especially when it’s really cold (like<20F)?

  47. Ian

    BB- The heat is fine in winter, though the MPG tends to go down about 2mpg for every 10 degrees F it drops outside. The battery needs to be warm to be at its highest efficiency. Also, the amount of gas you can fit in the tank drops in low temps – in summer, 11.9 gallons, in winter, about 10.


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