let my cameron go


Hey starfuckers! Who would have thought we’d see more fah-moose people in NYC than a month in Los Angeles? Here’s how it works: Tessa and I end up next to – or in the vicinity of – famous person. Being from Eastern Iowa and the South, I still believe in the magic of movies and entertainment and haven’t been jaded by decades of celebrity. Thus I start wagging my tail like a Labrador puppy.

I nudge Tessa and say “hey, isn’t that [insert famous person here]? She says “no, it’s [insert another famous person here], what the hell is wrong with you?” I tell her to talk to the famous person, because Tessa is always one degree of separation away from all of them, and I’m usually about three.

She tells me to quit bugging her, so I go up to Famous Person and say, “aren’t you [insert first name here]? My wife knows [insert other name here] and she said you were awesome to work with.” Almost always, the celebrity is delighted to chat with any kind of inside pool (or theater gossip) and before long, they are playing with Lucy, and then Tessa comes over and she and the famous person talk about stuff. It’s awesome.

This has allowed me to meet several of my heroes from youth, as well as folks from movies whose lines I use every day. For instance, last night at The Caine Mutiny on Broadway (starring our fabulous Geoffrey Nauffts, I ended up sitting right next to Jeffrey Jones, known to you as Ferris Bueller’s principal.

Anyway, he has a line in “Beetlejuice” about Otho “viciously rearranging his environment” that pretty much defines Lucy wherever she goes, so we struck up a conversation with him, and eventually he and Tessa started talking about theater stuff. Score!

Earlier in the week, we were in Massachusetts buying baby food when Lauren Ambrose (Claire from “Six Feet Under”) ambles up to the bulk aisle and dispenses some oats. Five minutes later, she and Tessa are talking about the high school they both went to.

Oh, and later last night I slid against Bradley Cooper in the men’s room (I’m a huge “Alias” fan) and then we ALMOST thronged ourselves into Julia Roberts, whose play is up right next to “Caine Mutiny”.

Sean always makes fun of my little adventures in starfucking, and I admit it’s fun, but here’s my ground rules: I only talk to people when there’s an “in,” I only bother people if I’ve actually loved a specific thing (or piece of art) they’ve created, and if there is none of these things, I don’t even look at them as they pass out of respect to their privacy.

You know how many times Jeffrey Jones hears “there goes Ferris Bueller’s principal” whispered each time he passes a crowd? Think of how much worse it is for the truly famous. They don’t need someone else looking deep into their eyes in a frantic longing to see what makes them so ineffably special. I’m more than happy to embarrass myself in front of a private hero and let the A-list superstar glide by.

0 thoughts on “let my cameron go

  1. GFWD

    I nearly spit my coffee out at the thought of Meagan’s Law’s finest playing with your daughter. As CP astutely noted, check out what old Ed Rooney’s been up to before you expose your daughter to another “celeb”.

  2. DFB's&T's

    Greg, thank you for perfectly (as always) nailing my reaction. What most folks don’t realize, however, is that you often LITERALLY do spray your coffee. When I was at your house, I thought all the schmutz on your monitor was a tell-tale sign of your addiction to downloading pornography until I realized it was sprayed coffee.

  3. LFMD

    Ian, man, you have GOT to tune into my other websites more. . . like gawker.com and people.com. Then, you will not only be able to quote random lines from 80’s movies, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, you’ll know who has a rap sheet and who you might not want to mention your daughter to! Jeesh! You naive little Iowa boy, you!

  4. LFMD

    Add the Smoking Gun to your daily reading!
    You know, back before I had a baby, I was a liberal-minded attorney and I thought that Megan’s Law was a horrible violation of privacy and civil rights laws. Now that I am a parent and I live in the REAL WORLD in which sick people do horrible things to little children, I am completely in favor of the sex offender registry. In fact, I check it on a monthly basis, and I have memorized the addresses and photos of every single sex offender in my town and near Helen’s school. No kidding.
    I’d advise you all to do the same. Find the registry for your state, type in your zip, and try to keep your stomach from churning with anxiety as all of the photos start popping up of your friendly neighborhood pedophiles.

  5. scruggs

    Ouch, LFMD, that picture of him on the smoking gun site almost as scary as the Nick Nolte arrest photo from a few years ago. I hope he didn’t look like that at the Broadway show.

  6. jody

    What whiplash on Mr. Jones- He does meet the criteria of “How to spot a pedophile” on maddox.xmission.com, aka ‘The Best Page in the Universe’.

  7. Deb

    >well, better being known as ed rooney than, I >don’t know, a registered sex offender.
    Or worse, The Devil from STAY TUNED.
    I don’t have kids yet, so I can’t really speak to what lengths of research and memorization I’ll go through to protect them, but I sincerely doubt that Ian let Jeffrey Jones, Will Tippin, or any other stranger, registered offender or not, engage in anything remotely unsupervised.
    And I’m not saying I’m against the Registry, but it does give me pause after the recent, targeted murder of a “registered offender” who it turned out was on the list because he, at 19, had sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend.

  8. Scott K.

    Thanks for the random Ferris Bueller references today. That movie remains one of my all-time favorites, and maybe it’s because of bizarre lines like “When Cameron was in Egypt’s Land, let my Cameron go,” or because of fantastic characters like Ed Rooney. Or maybe just because I was a sappy child of the ’80s who found some sort of stability through mindless John Hughes films…

  9. Anne D.

    I have met many VIPs in the course of my work, and I’m usually very discreet and composed. My “duh” moment was when I found myself waiting outside a locked door one evening with Diana Ross and one of her daughters. We smiled at each other, and I said (drum roll): “Are you Diana Ross?” Oy! (She was extremely nice and very beautiful.)

  10. Ian

    Yes, I knew all about J. Jones’ past. He did his time, and he’s on the “sex offender” list, which, by the way, I don’t agree with, but that’s grist for another blog which ALL OF YOU will no doubt hate.

  11. oliver

    I think your approach is sensible, Ian, and sounds like mine. Somehow it’s still kinda sad though. And are you really a huge fan of Alias qua production or just huge for Jennifer Garner? You talk the talk, but do you gawk the gawk?

  12. Matt

    I’m with LFMD on the sex offender registry. The recidivism rate is through the roof for paedophiles and parents need to know if such predators are living near them. That said, Deb points out some serious flaws in the systems: the 19-yro who has sex with his 16 or 17-yro girlfriend, or the pranskster who moons the cheerleading squad one day and the next he’s a registered sex offender. All states aren’t the same of course, but there are issues of injustice that need to be addressed.

  13. Beth

    “on the ball”–“huge for Jennifer Garner”–is my mind in the gutter today, or are there more than the usual number of double entendres?

  14. Josie

    >>the “sex offender” list, which, by the way, I don’t agree with, but that’s grist for another blog which ALL OF YOU will no doubt hate.<<
    This would be a great debate!
    Sounds like you had a fun week! I really want to know who [insert first name here]. :)

  15. Rebecca

    I’ve never mentioned that I dated a guy off and on for 3 years while I was at UNC who went to Choate with Tessa. He was in law school at Carolina at the time. I’d rather not mention his name because I’m afraid Tessa would think I was insane for dating that jerk! So there’s my one degree of separation from her.
    Anyway, Bradley Cooper – YUM! I’m actually antsy this morning in anticipation of the 2 hour Alias finale tonight. I’ll have to tivo 24 and watch it tomorrow.
    Regarding the sex offended list, it does appear that the people who are listed in my area are young men who probably had consensual sex with slightly underage girls. Although I did once read that a 14 year old boy is more likely to sexually abuse a small child than an adult. Hormones are powerful at that age.
    Yesterday I went to register my 4 y.o. for AYSO soccer this fall. It really bothered me when I filled out the volunteer form, and they asked for my social security number so they could check my records. I did not give it to them, and told them I had to think about it. With all the identity theft going on, I feel very uncomfortable giving all my personal information to a bunch of volunteers for AYSO. Doesn’t it seem a bit extreme to check out a Mom who just wants to be the team parent? I’m willing to make the snack schedule, order the banner and plan the end of season party! I’m not going to be alone with anyone’s child. Am I wrong to worry?

  16. Beth

    Rebecca, I’m really surprised to hear that AYSO wanted your SS#–I would’ve thought twice about it, too. Entirely different scenario, but the animal hospital wanted my SS# and driver’s license number when I had my dog in a few months back, and I gave them the driver’s # but not the SS# because I’m so loath to hand it out. I mean, they had my dog, what better collateral? Although I suppose there are people who would abandon an animal if they couldn’t pay the (astronomical) bill.
    Anyway, I’m with those who are opposed to registering sex offenders, maybe partly because I don’t have kids yet. I gather that a lot of opinions change when you actually have a little one.

  17. LFMD

    Ian, I won’t debate you on the registry. . . and I am not about to form a vigilante group on my cul de sac. I just think, as Matt points out, that the recidivism rate for pedophiles is factual and troublesome, there is not much rehabilitation occurring for such offenders, and if I have the resources available, I want to know who I am dealing with. Most of the registered offenders in my area look like the Everyman I work with, the coach of the t-ball team, the guy in the church pew in front of me, the lady in the after school program.
    Does the registry violate my theoretical ideal of privacy? Of course. Do I care anymore now that I am a parent? Not really. My thought process is much more concrete. I don’t care about Joe’s invasion of privacy as much as I care about protecting my daughter, especially since I am not with her 24/7 anymore. It takes a village to raise a child, and I like having some kind of screening process in my village! Maybe this makes me an ugly conservative.
    It is interesting. . . most of the states at least let you know the charges for each person. You can find out if the old man in the photo merely owned child pornography on his computer, or whether he was guilty of a violent offense. In my mind, the distinctions are immaterial.

  18. emma

    No ground rules for me. If I see a superstar, connection or not, I am going to make a fool out of myself so fast, heads will spin. Unfortunately (but fortunately for the stars), my sightings are few and far between here in eastern NC.

  19. Matt

    Who was it that warned against meeting one’s heros? I’m receptive to such advice. The last thing I want to know about Jack Black, Lenny Kravitz or Wayne Gretzky is that they’re jerks in person.

  20. Rebecca

    LFMD: I think the distinctions make all the difference in the world! I’m not going to worry about the guy who had sex at 19 with an underage girl, but the rapists would make me nervous. It’s been about a year since I checked it out here in CA, but I think that it did list the charge against each person. Of course, their pictures now show them young, but if they have to update the photos over the years, it could make them out to be creepier than they actually are. Unless it says what year they were convicted of the crime, or how old they were when convicted.
    Moving on, I went to the local AYSO website to fill out the volunteer form, thinking I would just not put in my SS#. But the system will not accept the form without it. So I am stuck.

  21. Tanya

    Ah, I don’t get a chance to meet celebrities that often, let alone talk to them. I do have a great celebrity encounter that involves Lenny Kravitz (Matt, cover your eyes) offering me, personally, an illegal substance in the back of a tour bus. Anyway, since I am Whitey McCracker, Mayor of Whiteyvile, I declined by saying, “no thanks, I’m trying to quit.”

  22. Beth

    Tanya, that is too funny–it made me laugh out loud!
    My favorite celebrity encounter was when we lived in Princeton, the day after Mikhail Baryshnikov performed there with the White Oak Dance Project. He was sitting with his manager (I think) at the table behind my husband and me, and we couldn’t help overhearing their discussion about whether the length of the program was appropriate. Before we left, I went over to say we’d seen the show and that I thought the length was just perfect, although I would have happily stayed for more. Baryshnikov enthusiastically shook my hand, thanked me, and said, “How uncanny! We were just talking about that,” clearly not getting that I’d been the nosy parker with the ear on their table.

  23. CL

    LFMD, this is funny:
    “and I am not about to form a vigilante group on my cul de sac.”
    Anyway, I’m all for reading an entry that we will ALL no doubt hate. ;)
    That said, I enjoyed the humor, starry-eyedness and surfacing tounge-in-cheekness of today’s post. Thanks!

  24. oliver

    I got to talk to E.O. Wilson once AND Roger Ebert replied to my email. I also nearly ran over a Nobel Prize winner on my bicycle in college. Great men have dodged before me. O.K. “man,” not “men.” By my destiny is not yet complete.

  25. oliver

    I also believe that I personally am extremely famous in some country I just haven’t discovered yet. It happened to Lionel Richie.


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