To: The NEA (National Endowment for the Arts)
Re: Proposal for Funding Grant
From: Ian W. representing Lucy K. B-W.
It has come to my attention that you have funded incredible works of art in the past, including the Shakespeare in American Communities program and the NEA Jazz Masters. I also read that you have occasionally funded projects dealing with human excrement.
Sure, you must be thinking, that is so 1996! Andrew Serrano’s Piss Christ is yesterday’s papers. But my daughter Lucy begs to differ.
Yesterday morning around 4am, she became dissatisfied with an ill-fitting diaper, and took it off in her crib. What happened next could only be described as a “shitsplosion”. By the time we arrived around 6:45am, there was very little in the room that hadn’t been soiled: walls, sheets, draperies, the bumper, the rails, several stuffed animals and various other surfaces were dealt with in a Jackson Pollock-like artistic frenzy. Even former NEA-grant-receiver Karen Finley – the chocolate-smeared woman – would have been proud.
While throwing away most of her bedding, and indeed, most of that part of the room, I began to think: am I throwing away an accidental masterpiece? A testament to our culture and our times? As my wife and daughter spent forty-five minutes in the shower, I began to think “perhaps!”
So I ask you now: how about supporting the arts for the littlest Americans? Let’s start early with this generation, so they should know performance art when it happens. After all, won’t somebody PLEASE think about the children?!?
Your most humble svt.,
etc., etc., etc.