in french, chat, chapeau

7/31/06

For the first time in about a year, and for the first time in her toddlerhood, one of Lucy’s parents is spending the night away from her. And surprise! It’s not me! That’s right, Tessa went to Texas to spend a couple of days with her ailing grandmother Nonnie (actually named Lucille, which is where Lucy got her name) and for Monday and Tuesday, I am a Swingin’ Bachelor Single Parent.

Without the confines of my stuffy marriage for two days, I decided to get some serious ya-yas out. Lucy has been eating nothing but BEEF TALLOW and FUNNEL CAKES covered in MRS. BUTTERWORTH and I have been indulging in a Major Freakout!!!

A few things:

– Man, people sure are picky about calling the police! Just because we had more than fifty people in our house tonight and Deee-Lite was cranked to 120 decibels. Whatever happened to bigtime dance jams? If the floorboards aren’t bendin’, it ain’t a party, copper!

– I was told that if you spill an entire bottle of Everclear on the floor and light it on fire, the flames will be violent but nothing gets burned. Man, is THAT wrong.

– Who knew whores were so expensive? It’s always “that’ll be extra” and “that’s not covered in our agreement.” I assumed that ladies of a certain moral character would have some wiggle room, but no dice.

– The new paint job I did in the living room looked cool while the opium lasted, but now that it’s wearing off, I’m not so sure. It’s not really Tessa’s “style” and I’m not sure if she’s going to “like it.”

– Lucy loves birds, so I started a small quail farm in the guest bedroom. OUCH they’re stinky! AND LOUD! And now we have fleas. But I’m the Best Dad Ever, right?

Oh well, one more day of single parentin’ left. Just in time for our “Cleaning the House Montage Scene” with “Number One (Man in the Making)” or “Maniac” playing in the background. Cue shots of Lucy and Dad taking time out of repainting to get into a paintbrush fight! And then rolling out the new carpet and giving each other a HIGH FIVE!

0 thoughts on “in french, chat, chapeau

  1. killian

    whew–and I thought The Cat in the Hat was the real “wait ’til your mother comes home” nailbiter!!
    Rock on, Dad and Luce!

    Reply
  2. GFWD

    You need to sync your cleaning montage with the music from Revenge of the Nerds when they clean up their frat house.

    Reply
  3. Rebecca

    Hilarious!
    Now I have a serious Prius emergency question for you. I leave Saturday for NC with my 3 kids. My parents recently traded in their big car for a Prius. My question is: Can I fit a Britex Marathon carseat, a backless booster and a third kid in the middle of the back seat? It seems impossible, but my Mom insists it will work. Any input will be appreciated.
    Also, for Neva, is the children’s museum in Chapel Hill worth seeing? I will go if you recommend it. How about the planetarium?
    Ian, can I get you or Lucy any UNC gear while I’m there?
    How about you GFWD? Need any new underwear from Johnny T-Shirt?
    Jen, you lurker, I can’t wait to see you!

    Reply
  4. Ian

    Rebecca, it will be a tight squeeze in back, but it can be done easily. I might put the car seat buckled in the middle, the booster on one side and another kiddo on the other. Thank you for the Lucy Carolina gear offer! If you see anything hilarious for a 12-month-old (she’s small) that would be sweet, but no pressure!

    Reply
  5. GFWD

    Rebecca, I’m jealous that you will get to be in Chapel Hill this weekend. Enjoy and be sure to indoctrinate your three angels in all things Tar Heel. Thanks for the thoughtful offer to pick up those light blue XL mesh basketball shorts I call underwear . . . but when you see the price tag, you’ll rethink that grand gesture and better understand why I now get the CHEAPER plain ones from Sports Authority! I’m just flattered you thought of me. Have fun.

    Reply
  6. Greg

    Rebecca, if you’re driving through Richmond you might want to check out the children’s museum there. It’s not far off the highway and is pretty good as far as small children’s museums go.

    Reply
  7. Neva

    Rebecca,
    I have not yet been to the new children’s museum here although I’ve heard good things about it. I know it is fairly small. It just started opening on Sunday afternoons. A better (and bigger) choice might be the Life and Science Museum in Durham (right off I-85 near Northgate). They have a little train, animals, a butterfly house and lots of neat indoor exhibits too that appeal to all ages. The planetarium in Chapel Hill is great depending on the age and fearfulness level of your kid(s). We took my daughter when she was around 3 and the complete darkness of it scared her a lot, but now, at 5, I think she would love it. Right now they are showing a Magic Treehouse show that looks good. Hope you have a great visit and try to stay cool. It is so freaking hot here right now. My family is off to Alaska on Saturday to enjoy some cool air!!

    Reply
  8. Neva

    By the way, Ian, loved today’s post! The visions it created were great. Hope you enjoy your “daddy and girlie special time” (as my daughter likes to call it).

    Reply
  9. kjf

    tessa don’t worry….i’m sure the only thing ian did “wrong” was to dress lucy in outfits that don’t match, or don’t fit anymore. hope your grandmother is ok.

    Reply
  10. michelle

    Man oh man do I wish you could have posted pictures along with today’s post. Although the ones in my mind are probably just as funny.

    Reply

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