For the first time in about a year, and for the first time in her toddlerhood, one of Lucy’s parents is spending the night away from her. And surprise! It’s not me! That’s right, Tessa went to Texas to spend a couple of days with her ailing grandmother Nonnie (actually named Lucille, which is where Lucy got her name) and for Monday and Tuesday, I am a Swingin’ Bachelor Single Parent.
Without the confines of my stuffy marriage for two days, I decided to get some serious ya-yas out. Lucy has been eating nothing but BEEF TALLOW and FUNNEL CAKES covered in MRS. BUTTERWORTH and I have been indulging in a Major Freakout!!!
A few things:
– Man, people sure are picky about calling the police! Just because we had more than fifty people in our house tonight and Deee-Lite was cranked to 120 decibels. Whatever happened to bigtime dance jams? If the floorboards aren’t bendin’, it ain’t a party, copper!
– I was told that if you spill an entire bottle of Everclear on the floor and light it on fire, the flames will be violent but nothing gets burned. Man, is THAT wrong.
– Who knew whores were so expensive? It’s always “that’ll be extra” and “that’s not covered in our agreement.” I assumed that ladies of a certain moral character would have some wiggle room, but no dice.
– The new paint job I did in the living room looked cool while the opium lasted, but now that it’s wearing off, I’m not so sure. It’s not really Tessa’s “style” and I’m not sure if she’s going to “like it.”
– Lucy loves birds, so I started a small quail farm in the guest bedroom. OUCH they’re stinky! AND LOUD! And now we have fleas. But I’m the Best Dad Ever, right?
Oh well, one more day of single parentin’ left. Just in time for our “Cleaning the House Montage Scene” with “Number One (Man in the Making)” or “Maniac” playing in the background. Cue shots of Lucy and Dad taking time out of repainting to get into a paintbrush fight! And then rolling out the new carpet and giving each other a HIGH FIVE!