I’m trying not to be sexist, I’m really not – and we’re about to welcome a brand new boy into our family, so I’ve got to be on my best behavior – but what is it with guys? We are the saddest, hamhock-handed sacks of flesh on God’s green earth, and I’m not sure if any of us are remotely fine-tuned for the 21st century.
Cons of being a guy:
– unprovoked bursts of rage
– no innate understanding of affection; must be taught love
– quick, meaningless orgasms followed by occasional idiopathic guilt
– constant unwanted erections from age 12 to 19 (or, really, 39)
– would rather close our own face in a hot waffle iron than admit fault
– can be brought 90% of the way through intimacy, but can only close the deal through objectification
– don’t want to talk about it, seriously, just shut the fuck up already
– violent roughhousing as toddlers melding into faggot jokes as teens
– constantly picking fights on the freeway
– incessant interruptions, usually leading to unflagging repetition of the same anecdote
– dime-store philosophy sold at 85 decibels as incontestable epiphany
– persistent yet erroneous belief that she doesn’t know our true intentions
– biological relevancy ends at age 27
– grows fat, sickeningly hirsute, obtuse, bald-pated and sedentary over time
– while doing so, tends to choose female partners inversely reciprocal in age and physical desirability
– started, fought and finished almost every war in human history
– invented the nuclear bomb, leaded gasoline, fundamental religion and worldwide terror
– dies, on average, five years before women
Pros of being a guy:
– upper body strength
It’s amazing that we’re still in charge of anything. Sure, we have a certain rugged appeal to heterosexual women who may like the pheromonal smell, or the way we hold them on winter nights, but you get the feeling we’re all yesterday’s model. The only parts of myself that I really love – and the qualities I love about my brothers and my guy friends – could all be considered vaguely female. Sean and Jordana’s baby boy will be awesome, mostly because they will teach him how to transcend his manhood.
Self-loathing on my part? Sure. But sometimes you just have to hand it to the other gender when you know they’ve got you licked.