Okay, time to swap out some parts for new ones. If I can replace the oil filter on the car and renovate our farm’s heating system, I see no reason why I can’t ask for the following:
1. I would like a new set of sinuses. These old ones get infected all the time, and because of a stupid accident with a trashcan in 1999, the septum on the right side is slightly deviated. This means I have to sleep on my left side all night, which is KILLING THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BACK after all these years. I want a brand new silicone sinus replacement with a WARRANTY.
2. I would like wireless electricity. Really, that says it all. How come we have wireless everything else, but not electricity? Yes, smartass, I know “the Sun” counts, but I mean powering your shit without cords. There should be an electricity transmitter built into the wall that transmits power to your TV and laptop THROUGH THE MAGICAL AIR.
3. I would like the hour from 9pm to 10pm to last longer than an hour. Because when you have a toddler who goes to bed at 7:30-8pm, that’s the hour when you feel like you can do all sorts of stuff. But then 10pm comes around, with its double-digits and feeling of “night” and it seems impossible to start anything without the spectre of the early morning. Can we agree to stretch it out, please?
4. I would like to create a Rock N Roll Noise Reduction Agreement. Seriously, I still rock. And I have gone to shows in the recent past. And yes, I have not told many people this yet, but I am the bassist in a new band. But here’s the thing: everyone at a rock show wears earplugs. The band wears earplugs. When we practice, we wear earplugs. The sound guy wears earplugs and the bartender at the Cradle wears earplugs. Can’t we all just agree to turn it down twenty decibels? That way, none of us, both artists and consumers, will have to wear those goddamn things. It just takes someone with the balls to go first. I volunteer; I am turning my bass amp down to NINE.