carry me back to old virginny

9/27/07

What age were you when you lost your virginity? And what was your feeling right after? Obviously, your comment can be anonymous if you want, but say your gender.

Me? I was 21, halfway to 22. I was freaked out, but it was still awesome. I was the last virgin I knew, and I can’t say waiting that long ultimately did me any favors (a tome worthy of another blog), but there was a certain pride in waiting that long. I was totally in love, and I’m still friends with that person today.

And you?

0 thoughts on “carry me back to old virginny

  1. female from nc

    I’ll keep it anon, but take the plunge. I was 15 and it was with my first love. It was both of our first times and a very precious and thankfully brief moment. I don’t regret it however when I’m around 15 year olds now, I can’t imagine that they are ready for sex.

    Reply
  2. F

    I was 16. While I thought sex should be with someone you love, marriage or age never mattered to me. My boyfriend was 17 and we’d been dating about 6 months, saying ‘I love you’ and now plotting a first time for both of us when we knew his parents would be out of town.
    Pregnancy terrified me and my family couldn’t know, so I went to the free health clinic to get birth control pills. During the pelvic exam, the male doctor said, “If anyone tells you you can’t get pregnant because . . . ( and I don’t even remember what the “because” was) it’s bullshit!” I remember feeling degraded that a doctor had used profanity with me. I assumed he didn’t respect me because I was having sex at 16 or was having an exam at a free clinic.
    After the exam, all of the girls there for the same reason as I were corralled to watch a film about birth control options. I was overwhelmed by the film, particularly the concept of IUDs. I was overwhelmed that one of the girls in the group was a dwarf (not PC, but the truth of my 16-yr-old mind). Suddenly everything went dark. I had fainted and they were waving smelling salt under my nose, before sending me home with a new pack of Ortho Novum.
    Several weeks later, the well planned night arrived. Funny that after recalling so many details about the “before,” I actually recall little about the actual event, only what I wore and where we were and that it didn’t really seem like a big deal after all.

    Reply
  3. onman

    I was a freshman in college and just met a girl a few days before in class. We hit it off, she came over to “study” and it just happened. Next thing you know all sorts of nakediness. We dated for a few years, and are also still friends to this day.

    Reply
  4. Bozoette Mary

    I was 18 and a freshman in college. I didn’t lose my virginity; I gave it away quite happily. I met the guy at our community theater. I think he was in his early 20s. We were making out at his place, he asked quite nicely, he used a condom, it was really good. I do remember looking at myself in the mirror the next morning, thinking “I’m not a virgin anymore!” and wondering if my mother would be able to tell. Then I went to the student health clinic on campus and got birth control pills because I was determined not to get pregnant.
    It’s important to remember that abortion was illegal when I started having sex. If I got pregnant, I would have had to “visit relatives” (that is, go to a home for unwed mothers) and give up the baby, or find a back-alley abortionist and take my chances. Keep the baby? Not an option — far too shameful. Marry the father? Maybe — it would have depended on the boy.
    So, every month was nerve-wracking, even with the pill.

    Reply
  5. Female

    So I’m 32 and I still haven’t. It was never about waiting for marriage for me, but it was about waiting for someone I loved. I don’t know which part is weirder; that I’ve never had sex, or that I’ve never loved anyone who loved me back.

    Reply
  6. Female

    I was 20, and it was with my boyfriend of several months. He was 22 and we were both virgins; nevertheless, we attended high school, and high school health classes, in the AIDS-fearing 1990’s, and I insisted that we both get tested prior to doing the deed. We used a condom anyway–my method of contraception during that entire relationship–and lube. It was painful, but quick. I was relieved when it was over, and aware that it would get better with time. It did. Overall, a good experience.

    Reply
  7. Female

    Fall of 1970, sophomore year of college, almost 19.
    I was head over heels about my new boyfriend, who was a year older than I. Couldn’t wait. (This was the sexual revolution era. We were all lusty and willing.)
    The first time was lovely. He was careful and passionate and concerned about my experience. I couldn’t have asked for a better guy to initiate me into non-virgin territory.
    The next morning, my mother called from home.
    Mom: Susan, are you all right?
    Me: Yes, I’m fine, Mom.
    Mom: I had the worst nightmare about you! I almost called you in the middle of the night! It was horrible… you were covered in blood… I know it’s silly but I had to call this morning because the dream seemed so real.
    Me: !!!!!
    Me: (takes a deep breath)
    Me: I’m fine, Mom. Wow, sounds like a bummer dream. That’s really weird.
    (She had no idea HOW weird.)
    Don’t ever tell me there is no such thing as ESP.

    Reply
  8. Sean M

    I’m not sure if it counts as losing my virginity because there wasn’t, well, intercourse, but I count it. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college, so I guess I was 19. I was working as a counselor for my school’s freshman orientation and I worked with the other guy there. He was out and I wasn’t. We didn’t even really get along, nor was I particularly attracted to him (physically or otherwise). We fought constantly, and never hung out socially unless it was the entire work group together. Little did I know that he was really into me. The summer job was about to be over and our whole staff had a party at a house off-campus. We all got really drunk, and he was so drunk that he could barely walk so a couple of co-workers and I walked him back to his dorm room. We dropped him off and as we were leaving, he called for me to stay for a sec. I didn’t think anything of it. Once everyone else was gone and the door was closed, he made a move on me…and for whatever reason I let him. When it was over (and ‘it’ wasn’t much, and all done by him) I freaked out and left. The job ended the next day and we parted ways. He tried calling and writing throughout the rest of the summer and into the fall, but I either ignored each attempt or was pretty rude back. In retrospect, I was an ass and owe him an apology. Sure we were young and dumb and drunk and I was in a much different place with my sexuality, but he deserved better than what I gave him.

    Reply
  9. Carolina Girl

    I was 20 1/2. Happened with the first guy I ever kissed. Considering how sexually inexperienced I was at age 20, the time from first kiss to SEX was pretty damn quick — just a few months. I suppose I made up for lost time. Felt very underwhelmed afterward. Dated the guy for nearly 4 years. I should have played the field!
    It happened in Carmichael Dorm. 5th floor!

    Reply
  10. male 40

    I was 22. It was a surprise birthday party for me, the girl (she was 25) that I had been dating who was a little more wordly than I waited until all the guests were gone wrapped herself in a bow and grabbed it all with gusto. It was short but memorable for me and then we practiced alot after. We continued to date for years but I have since lost touch.

    Reply
  11. Yet another anon female

    I had just turned 20 and was back at UNC for my junior year. I had started dating this guy at the end of my soph year and we kept in touch through the summer. Though I was pretty experienced in general “relations” and anatomy, I was still a virgin. I was kind of ready to get it over with by this point. Turned out the guy was still a virgin and not incredibly experienced himself. So the first time was not earth shattering. But, I ended up marrying the guy 6 years later, so it all worked out in the end! It is very strange to have not had (or potentially will never have) any other sexual partners; I have to live vicariously though bad tv now for those steamy one-night stands.

    Reply
  12. Female

    Well, I was 23 1/2 (at the time I thought of myself as a Last American Virgin of sorts), I had been dating this guy for about…2-3 months? I was actually living with him and his family in India. Okay, I’ve basically given myself away here. But anyway–the whole thing was nontraumatic, but nonmemorable. I left India a few months later but the nonmemorable trend continued for several more years–and I’m not saying this was anyone’s fault but my own!
    Hm–I did love him–we loved each other–but I can’t say we were in love. In fact, I am in love for the first time now (15 years later).

    Reply
  13. Sean

    I was 13. The girl’s name is like something from a Salinger novel, Ginny Wilcox. Short for Virginia.
    I lost it really early, and started on a sexual journey that sped into some bizarre territory and back again several times between then and when I was about 23. Weird to think about because it was the age of AIDS, and everyone I knew was having sex with everyone else I knew. The warnings said, “each person you have sex with, you’re having sex with every other person that person had sex with” and by that algebra, most of us had had sex with ourselves by a number of avenues.
    The first time was awful. Her parents walked in, we were on the couch, her dad glared at me as I got my clothes on and I made it half way home on my skateboard before throwing up in a bush. She was a year older than me, and definitely the aggressor, but still… she was 14, I’m sure her parents had a long talk with her. I never saw her again, and, needless to say, my parents did *NOT* have a talk with me about it.
    Within a year, everyone I knew was having sex with everyone else. And I changed schools pretty frequently. I’m not sure, it occurs to me that *I* might have been the common denominator, but it just seems to me that everyone in the 80s was fucking.

    Reply
  14. anonymous male

    I was a freshman in college, and he was a guy who lived downstairs from me. In retrospect, it was nothing more than drunken, adolescent groping – nothing I would really consider significant today (nearly 20 years later). But at the time it felt revolutionary for me. Unfortunately, it was pretty awful. He woke up the next day, claimed he wasn’t gay, that I had “taken advantage of him” or something stupid like that, and all sorts of adolescent trauma ensued. We didn’t speak for years. But we eventually got over that. He married (a woman) a few years out of college, and I was actually best man at the wedding. He went on to have six kids, and we still chat occasionally by email today.
    Throughout my twenties I had the annoying habit of chasing nothing but unavailable men who couldn’t make up their minds about their sexuality, and the sex was aways brief, drunken, nothing to speak of. A good therapist finally helped me out of that routine. When I met my partner, I was in my thirties and felt embarrassingly virginal. He patiently showed me how wonderful sex can be between two people who love each other, compared to the forgettable experiences of my youth. So I like to think, in some respects, I waited for the right man to come along.

    Reply
  15. Anon Female

    I was 19, he was my college sweetheart (20), in a room he had “borrowed” from an older fraternity brother. We loved each other madly and badly for about 3 years off-and-on. That ‘actual’ experience was ok, nothing to write home about, but what I find even more interesting is how CLUELESS I was. I was woefully ignorant of so many things, fucking my way through a lovely variety of men, but didn’t have my first orgasm until 23. What was THAT about? Who says ignorance is bliss??!!

    Reply
  16. Female

    “I can’t say waiting that long ultimately did me any favors,”
    I know it’s harder when you’re a guy, but I can’t stand that attitude. A lot of it comes from peer pressure, even if you want to deny it. If you feel ready (and safe) at 15, 22 or 25 or 30, then you should feel fine about it, whatever age you are. I went on a date once with a guy who was 27, and I subsequently found out he was on a quest to bed as many girls as possible because he had waited sooooo long to lose his virginity (he was 19, big deal) and he felt like he “had to make up for it.”
    So he went on a seduce-and-destroy mission, purposely seducing lots of women because he hadn’t been able to do so in his teenage years and thought he had to make up for it. Problem was, those girls weren’t at fault for the ones who didn’t want him when he was 15.
    Anyway, people are ready at different ages, and there should not be pressure on them. This feeling that everyone should lose their viriginity at a certain age, or feel ashamed, is horse-shit.
    I was too embarrassed even about having anyone see me in the locker room in gym at 16 (although of course I had to), so it took me a while to feel comfortable with someone, and another long while to care enough about someone to lose my virginity. No one I knew was having sex in the ’80s, but of course, I was shy and had shy friends, both boys and girls, so it all depends on who you hung with.
    My main point being: The virginity topic is interesting and fascinating, and I enjoy reading the responses, but I hope all generations understand that there is not something wrong with losing it at 21, 22, etc. What’s wrong is pressure. And if that’s not made clear to kids, they are going to end up giving into pressure to do it before they are ready, because everyone else is. If they are ready and know the risks, that is one thing. But some aren’t.
    As for the 32-year-old female…I feel you, sister! But it will happen. I know everyone says that, but it’s true.

    Reply
  17. Female

    I was 15 and just did it to get it over with because all of my other friends had done it. Nobody could believe I was going to be a junior in high school and hadn’t had sex yet. This seemed perfectly normal at the time although it’s pretty sad in retrospect.
    I barely knew the guy – he had graduated from our high school that summer and was friends with a guy I knew in my class. The original plan (for me) had been to do it with the guy in my class but after a few drinks the older guy pressured the younger guy to back off and then made his move. When I went back to school that year I found out the guy had a girlfriend the whole time who spent the year badmouthing me and threatening to kick my ass, so that was fun.
    I just remember it hurt, it was quick and I was glad to be done with it.

    Reply
  18. Curious

    “He went on to have six kids, and we still chat occasionally by email today.”
    Okay, but here’s the question…do YOU think he’s straight?

    Reply
  19. jason savage

    I was 40 years-old, working as a floor salesman at an electronics store. She was a somewhat flaky woman who worked across the street selling items on EBay.

    Reply
  20. Female

    I was 19, and it was with a 23-year-old, totally sexy bad boy whom I’d met at my summer job. We only saw each other on vacations when I was home from college; we made out a lot on these visits, and it seems he was constantly asking me if I were a virgin (I don’t believe I ever answered), but we didn’t finally do it until the following summer.
    It was in the guest room at my family’s weekend house – we’d driven there together in the afternoon, and my parents arrived not an hour after the deed occurred, no doubt speeding down the highway, hoping to prevent just such an event.
    It didn’t hurt but it was a dry, awkward, unexciting encounter, not sexy at all considering how smoldering I found him in all other scenarios, and I felt really weird about it the next day, not quite sure how to feel about it I guess. He said he didn’t have a condom with him, and I sure didn’t have any with me, but I wanted my first time to be over with badly enough that I let him do it without (he pulled out and did not ejaculate). I resented him a lot afterwards for the condom thing, and felt badly about myself that I’d let him get away with that.
    I guess I had a lot of shame about still being a virgin, though in retrospect I really wasn’t ready until then, anyway. Maybe if I’d felt more confident about acquiring and using birth control, and if the guys I knew were more forward it would have happened sooner, but in those years the logistics of a) finding a guy to do it with me b) buying condoms c) finding a way to go on the pill without asking my parents to assist me and d) having to be the one to insist on a condom all seemed insurmountable to me.
    I find it heartening to see how many other people responding here didn’t have sex until their late teens or early 20s, too. Maybe it’s not so unusual after all, but we keep quiet about it because we think we were all supposed to lose it as hot high schoolers in the sweaty backseat of someone’s car?

    Reply
  21. Another Carolina girl

    20 1/2 with a guy I had been dating for about 18 months. We were both virgins, but had been working our way up to that point, so it wasn’t terrible like so many people, just quick. Any I coundn’t understand why we had waited so long. We had sex for a few more months, but then broke up. The problem was that I thought we were going to get married, and he thought otherwise.
    I ended up marrying his roommate, who was even more awesome that first fuck guy. The first guy was a groomsman at our wedding, and is still one of my favorite people in the world. In many ways, we grew up together. And I’m really proud of the great husband and father he has become.

    Reply
  22. Female, 38

    I was 14 and did it with my 19 year-old friend Jennifer, for whom I’d been suffering an unrequited love for several months. She finally broke up with her girlfriend to be with me, got drunk, snuck into my house, and we did it my bedroom down the hallway from my sleeping mother.
    In retrospect, a pretty awesome sexual initiation. No birth control worries, and I experienced my first orgasm.
    She went Christian and is now a mother of 4 in Florida; I’ve never been with a woman since.

    Reply
  23. Male

    Freshman year, 1987 at Carolina. I’d met her (also a freshman, also a virgin) in early October. She was the daughter of a Southern Baptist minister. She walked in with her date while I was reciting The Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television. We hit it off immediately and started making out the next day or two. She’d dated and made out with a number of guys in her younger years, while I had been on only a few dates and had only made out seriously with one girl the summer after high school (I specifically remember a serious makeout session after the terrible Hanks-Aykroyd “Dragnet” movie with that horrible rap theme song).
    Despite that, I convinced her (after much dry-humping) to give it up within a month or two of our starting to date. I don’t remember much about The First Time, but I do remember getting a room at the University Inn the night before a final, having really good sex and flunking the final the next day.

    Reply
  24. kmeelyon

    I’m female.
    I was 16. He was my 18 year old high school boyfriend. I wasn’t really in love, but I felt very in control of my sexual experimentation/education at the time. It was completely my idea and I told him that we were both going to call in sick from school the following day and stay at his house and “do it.” I told him to go buy condoms.
    The next day, I instructed him to call school and pretend to be my father and say I was sick. Which he did. He actually didn’t buy the condoms. I think I made him nervous.
    I honestly can’t say I recall my feelings right after. Since the whole thing was organized and planned by me, I seem to recall more the planning and preparation, emotionally and mentally. I think I felt that it was all more mechanical, in the end, than emotional or arousing.
    We split up about a month later. The following year, I met my first true love and had much better sex and an emotionally gratifying love life.
    I’m fascinated by how many people remained anonymous in this thread. I realize my own contribution will be forever google-able, but it feels so far away that it doesn’t seem especially private or revealing to me.

    Reply
  25. female

    Question to Ian and others who waited until their 20s: Did people (friends) know that you were virgins up to that point or did you keep it quiet? Personally, I would have loved to have known there were more people out there who were waiting for the right person.

    Reply
  26. janet

    14 was my age, getting pregnant was my aim (needed something to hold on to) on my period was the way to have a baby so i thought ( how naive) it hurt and he told me that i was fat .

    Reply
  27. Ian

    These are all amazing stories in their own ways…
    To answer the previous question: I was pretty up-front about my virginity – actually, there were two women in college that quite literally taught me how to do everything. I asked them to show me, and they did, and it somehow still remained platonic and wonderful. I guess I could tell that story on here someday.
    However, I didn’t tell many guys, because we just didn’t discuss a whole lot of that amongst my friends at the time. We fancied ourselves intellectuals, I suppose.

    Reply
  28. Male

    I think I was 22, and I’d never had a kiss or even “slow-danced” at a party. My partner was a virgin too, but she had had at least one boyfriend. We went out for awhile, had a few conversations about it, and reserved the guest room in my coop for the event. It was lame and unpassionate, but I think we were both glad at least to have it finally for our resumes. I think I thought I’d learned something from the relationship, but I couldn’t tell you what it is now at 40. There was at least the affirmative action-type effect of the representative example instilling the confidence to strive in a way I hadn’t before. And it went a good way toward dispelled the fear that I was an obvious counterfeit or mutant or defective as a man, not to mention as a member of any social circle, in which dating and love-making are supposed to be a fact of life. I think I had been open with my friends about being a virgin for quite awhile, but what I did not confess often if ever was that I had never kissed, because that unequivocally signified a much more profound social deficit. Likewise, I probably did not confess to doubting whether any girl had ever been sexually attracted to me or even found me contemplable as boyfriend material at close range and in good lighting for more than ten seconds, if ever. I probably didn’t confess either to not having a clue how to flirt and not being able to tell when and if people were flirting with me–to the extent that touching people of either sex made me nervous (as a guy, you’re gay until proven heterosexual, and I was a closet homophobe, in the sense of fearing the prospect of relating with a gay guy even for an instant in any way that was ambiguous to him or others and perhaps especially to me). To my eternal shame, I offended guys who were just trying to be my friends, and probably self-weirded myself out of many potential friendships and many kinds of interactions (rough-housing or any kind of touchy-feely camaraderie). To the extent flirting involved either momentary contact or a reduction of personal space, I was probably a walking “do not disturb” sign, even when I was intensely lonely and horny. Oh well. It was a kind of education.

    Reply
  29. Male

    Related to the obstacle of touch and personal space and social ineptness, my fellow devirginator and I met in an intro social-dance class, in which everybody had to pick a partner to practice with outside of class for the “final exam.” Thank goodness for biology.

    Reply
  30. female

    I lost my virginity when I was 13, to the sweetest man I ever dated (thankfully, up until the man I’m dating now). It was painful and under incredibly bizzare circumstances and I was very much still a child (although not physically). All I can say is that sex should NOT be a taboo subject in the home. It should not be ignored or dismissed or neglected. I don’t know how I will talk to my future children about sex, but I do hope I can at least be paying attention when they start going through puberty.

    Reply
  31. Steph Mineart

    Spring of 1987. I was 19, she was 17, it was in my dorm room in college. She wasn’t a virgin; she’d had a previous girlfriend. It was wonderful. I didn’t have an orgasm until several girlfriends later, but I basked in the warm glow nonetheless, and I guess I wasn’t too bad at whatever I thought I was doing.
    Unfortunately after it was all over and we were cuddled up together, my college roommate (who had planned to stay overnight at her boyfriend’s dorm, but fought with him and left) walked in, realized what she was seeing, and promptly left the room and walked down the hall to tell a room full of floor mates I was gay.
    They spent the rest of the year being rude to me, but I didn’t care. I confirmed what she told them with confidence (which went a long way to diffusing the situation) outed myself to everyone, and I was on my way.
    Much later I was talking with one of the women she had told, and she confided to me that much of the reason they were rude about it was because none of them had actually had sex yet, and they were bothered by that as much as the gay issue.
    Regarding ages and first times — I know one friend who was a virgin until 31 before she met the right person, and I have a friend who turned 40 last year and is still a virgin.
    I remember having a conversation not too long ago about them with a big group of friends, and the true confession that came out was many had said they had done it in their teen years when in fact they hadn’t until they were in their twenties. So the “everyone else is doing it” is pretty suspect.

    Reply
  32. Cali GIrl

    Read through all these and all I can say is my experience must be more abnormal than I thought. I was 20 and the guy was 41, my boss, and married. It was quick and slightly painful and I felt like I’d lost something. He was the second guy I’d ever kissed (the first was married also). Since then I’ve mended my ways and date only single men.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *