Hi, it’s Complaint Monday!!! That’s right, before the tyranny of Thanksgiving takes over and we start the holiday glow of tremendous well-being, let’s take a much-deserved day to list all the things that are pissing us off! Better get ’em off your chest now, before it’s too late – nobody likes a whiner during the Holidays™.
Actually, things are going pretty well, despite my entire work force being on strike. But I’ll complain about this… they yanked out one of my teeth (my right maxillary first molar, or #3, for your dentist lurkers in the audience) in order to replace it with something ultra-modern and fabulous, hopefully like the tiles on the bottom of the space shuttle.
I should mention at this juncture that this tooth has been the bane of my frickin’ existence since I was about nine. It’s had so many fillings and was such a problem that one day in 1993 I went crazy with pain and started limping down McCauley Street hitting myself in the face with a basketball shoe. True story.
Anyway, they had to put a bone graft in there to get it ready for the new tooth, and it takes, like, three months of dicking around. In the meantime, I had to get stitches that are supposed to dissolve, but instead, are annoying the ever-living YAK SHIT out of me. And I have to wear a “flapper”, which looks exactly like dentures except it has one vampiric tooth on it that regularly mesmerizes my daughter. And I keep leaving it in the car.
The surgery itself still aches, and I haven’t been able to eat anything crunchy in weeks. I bought sweet potatoes and cooked them down into a mushy puree. I bought cream-o-mushroom soup. I long for chips, peanuts, ANYTHING THAT CRUNCHES but even tough bread hurts it. I’m sick of eating on one side. And there’s only so much Advil I’m willing to ingest.
There. Now what was your complaint for the day?