Oh sure, I had a great blog to write today, but while I was bathing Lucy tonight, I accidentally put down a bottle of Kiehl’s Liquid Soap Pour Homme too hard, sending a perfect glop out of the tube, straight into my right eyeball. At first, it didn’t hurt too much, and besides, I couldn’t run off and flush my eye with water because I wasn’t going to leave Lucy alone in the bath.

But then the searing agony began. I thrashed my head around like there was a queen wasp stinging the insides of my brain. Honestly, it felt like someone had toothpicked-open my eyeball “Clockwork Orange”-style and was injecting tobasco sauce into my retina with a syringe. I tried not to howl in agony (so’s not to completely freak out my daughter) but finally shrieked “TESSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

She came running, and let me thrust my head under the bathroom sink in a vain attempt to dilute the pain. But the soap didn’t seem to be going anywhere, and after lying on the bed moaning, I had to run back to the bathroom and put my eyeball under the faucet for another two full minutes until it went from “life-changing torment” to “fucking cruel and unusual”. Three Advil, quick.

My eye seared shut for a half-hour, during which Lucy (who’s very good at these sorts of things) climbed onto my chest in her pajamas and kissed my throbbing eyeball, saying “I’m sorry.” Oddly, it really did make me physically feel better. That girl is something.

Anyone else done something needlessly painful lately?

0 thoughts on “popcornea

  1. LFMD

    A similar thing happened to my daughter. The scene: her school’s holiday concert. The issue: the music teacher gave each kid one of those bracelets that light up and glow, to add to the “wonderment” effect of the show, I suppose. The drama: Helen hit the bracelet in order to activate the light (as is the instruction), and the cheap piece of crap cracked open and shot green glow fluid into her eye. Something hard flew towards her eye as well, because the lens of her eyeglasses cracked.
    The teacher brought a crying Helen to me in the audience, and I nearly went berserk. Of course, it was all an accident, but whenever Helen is hurt, I become the enraged, protective Mama Bear. We flushed her eye under the classroom sink, and she could not open her eye. The teacher gave me the box that the glow sticks came in (MADE IN CHINA OF COURSE!!), pointing to the warning that if the glow stuff made contact with an eye, don’t fret because the materials are not toxic. It was all I could do to collect my daughter and husband and calmly leave the school.
    The next day, she was fine, but I worried all night.
    One sweet thing: in school the next day, all of Helen’s friends told her that they had prayed for her and were so worried. Even her teacher told her that she prayed for her. Gotta love Catholic school!

  2. the other Lee

    “Anyone else done something needlessly painful lately?”
    I watched a dook game.
    It was agonizingly and excruciatingly painful.
    I must be a masochist.

  3. mom

    Ian, it sounds like every time I had one of those “injection” treatments for “wet” macular degeneration. At six-week intervals, the miracle drug of the moment was injected into my eyeball. It didn’t really hurt, just felt weird as hell. But they painted the eyeball and around the lid with Betadine, which disinfects but stings like hell. And it takes a couple of days to really go away.
    I finally found that the best thing to do was to come home, put about five shots of artificial tears in that eye, take four Advil, and go to bed for several hours. That sped the process along a bit. But it’s incapacitating and miserable.
    The good news is, I haven’t had to have it done for over a year, now, and at my six month exam this week showed “no change” since last summer. The retinologist said, “We can’t fix this yet, but we’re getting closer every day. But in the meantime, I’ll take ‘stable’ any time!” I’ll take ‘stable’ too, ‘cause I can’t quit working, and that means that) I have to (however imperfectly) be able to see.
    Meanwhile, I hope your eye feels OK today.

  4. Anne

    Now we know how those poor test rabbits feel when various cosmetics and fluids are tested on their eyes in labs. Buy cruelty-free products, everyone! Don’t make rabbits suffer as Ian did!
    OK, that was a gloomy comment, but I couldn’t help thinking of the parallel.

  5. caveman

    This is a perfect example of what I call “nature” or even better “getting natured”. Its when a supposed inanimate object pulls off an unfathomable, one in a billion type maneuver (e.g the pressure of the soap chamber was exactly precise enough to shoot a glob, not a glob large enough to dodge but a glob perfectly small enough to evade your reflexes, on a direct trajectory for your pupil). Nature is able to pull that kind of sh*t off all the time, always with devious intent, and God help you if you try to fight it. That will result in immediate and severe damage to whatever objects are invovled. Other examples:
    • You walk past a door and your coat snags on the handle. You look back and realize that at full walking speed the smallest loop on your jacket, at the ONLY possible time it could do so, has worked in concert (yes, in concert) with the door to latch onto the only possible outcropping that would possibly snag said loop. There was only one possible millisecond where everything could come together and make this snag happen and, by god, it did.
    • You attempt to close the trunk of your car and fail. When lifting the trunk you find that a piece of fabric from a shirt, sweater, whatever has covered perfectly the connection between trunk hinge and lock base (not in an obnoxious way but in a frighteningly precise and complete way)
    • The white i-pod headphones are hands down the world champs at this kind of sh*t, leave them in your pocket for ten minutes and they will come up with knots that 8 yr olds in Afghan rug factories can’t untangle efficiently
    Sometimes when I am in the middle of getting natured I stop what I am doing and give nature a standing “O”.

  6. emma

    It doesn’t compare to eye pain, but it was definitely needless. We just got back from a family ski trip. I am not a great skier, but I can get down most any mountain without falling (if I take it slow enough). Imagine my surprise when on the first morning, two guys, my husband and I are going down a little green slope and I suddenly bust and fall flat on my face. My first though is “okay, its been two years since skiing. Maybe it will take a little while to get my ski legs back.”
    Next run, not a tough slope, going down, fall flat on my face again. My knee hurts and I knocked the wind out of my chest making me think for a split second that I had broken a rib.
    I manage to get down this slope again, go up the lift and as we are cruising along a bunny slope, I bust. I am so frustrated at this point and as I am putting on my skis, I look down and see that my binding on one ski is about 1/2 inch too long.
    I go get this fixed and don’t fall again in the next day and a half, but my knee was killing me whenever I touched it. And it would have never happened if my skis had just been fitted right. The knee must have just been bruised, because it never swelled and seems to be much better now.

  7. Lara

    That’s what you get for using the expensive stuff, Ian. J&J body wash promises “no more tears.” Of course, it probably also contains some kind of carcinogen.

  8. Ian

    caveman, that’s brilliant.
    Lara – we use the no-more-tears stuff, which is why I was using the crazy Kiehl’s out of the way. I got natured!

  9. Heather

    One time when I was hospitalized with a bad case of mono, which they thought was spinal meningitis, they used the wrong size needle in preparation for my spinal tap. The “medicine” they used to “numb” me didn’t work because it never went in far enough. I got a ten minute spinal tap sans pain medication, and farted on the doctor during the more painful moments. Dr. Lim. I will never forget him.
    I think I may have told you that already.

  10. Steph Mineart

    “Anyone else done something needlessly painful lately?”
    Laser eye surgery. But I got something good out of it; I can see with my own eyeballs for the first time since 2nd grade. So, not exactly squirting soap in the eye.

  11. cullen

    Caveman, I’m with you on yer theory. It partially explains how I’ll avoid a competitive hoops ankle sprain or the like for months, and then twist it good setting the garbage on the precarious curb or wreck my neck playing a very physical Captain Hook to my daughter’s combatative Peter Pan.
    Similarly, I watched my Dad catch his eye with a just-so sandy beach finger this past summer trying to remove the skin-tight swimshirt. He had just had lasic surgery, but re-flubbed his vision considerably according to the doc.
    Nature knows how to give the big finger when she wants. That or I’m a massive spaz. Happy weekend all!

  12. ken

    Love your examples, Caveman. My parents got completely natured about 30 years ago. It may also qualify for a Darwin Award, even though nobody perished and both my parents have masters degrees.
    It started when my dad was working on some art project using super glue and magically a small amount ended up in his left eye. My mom took him to the ER, they flushed it out and they were on their way. After they got home, my mom decided to finish the project and whilst doing so, wait for it…she ended up with super glue in her left eye. Lacking peripheral vision due to his eye patch, my dad had a neighbor take my mom and dad to the same ER. Months later, when the insurance bill came, a representative called and said they fixed the ‘error’ of double billing since there were two claims for super glue in the left eye with two patients sharing the same last name. My mom sheepishly had to explain that it was no error, they were both injured in the same manner within hours of each other.

  13. Rebecca

    About 2 weeks ago I made some whole wheat bread. Yes, from scratch. After it cooled a bit I called my kids to come down and have a piece of warm bread. Henry was so excited that he ran into the kitchen and smashed his tiny body into the back of my legs. As fate would have it, I was slicing down into the bread at that exact instant, and his impact made my left thumb slip, right into the path of the knife my right hand was using. So I got a deep cut in my thumb, and it hurt for about a week.

  14. dan

    I was helping someone remove a shelf from a closet yesterday and despite many attempts at manipulating it, hitting it with a hammer, etc – it simply would not budge. He went to get a saw, why i had the brilliant idea to push one corner away from me, while smacking the opposite corner over and over again towards my head. Well, the shelf budged and I now have a big lump between my left eye and my left temple.
    To follow that act up, at dinner last night, I thought I was man enough to eat a slice of habenero pepper, complete with 4 seeds.
    It hurt.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.