rapid ire movements

1/28/08

Last night I had a dream I can’t shake. I never post such things on here, knowing full well that hearing other people’s dreams ties “watching snot dry” for Most Boring, but I’ll make it quick. Basically, Tessa and I were in a giant gathering of our friends (nobody specific) and important business relations and peers, in a huge auditorium in the round. We were all encouraged to speak, and when I took my turn, I basically had a meltdown that embarrassed everyone I knew.

I mean a totally scorched-earth, cannot-be-unsaid rant that was so awful that none of my friends could look me in the eye, and my wife was forced to contemplate sticking with me. As soon as I woke up, the specifics of my transgressions were lost to the sobering sunlight of a beach morning, but the emotional weight stayed with me.

All day, I’ve felt like I’ve fucked something up irrevocably, that my friends are hideously embarrassed of me, and that a special intervention is about to be called on the state of my character. I wrote emails to people, then immediately regretted sending them. We talked to our manager about possible post-strike projects, and I felt shaky and unworthy.

I even watched part of the first season of “Project Runway” on Bravo tonight, and flinched with horrifying recognition at the hatred unleashed on Wendy Pepper, the mom from Virginia. I recognized her odd, insecure defiance, how she seemed to soak in the disgust of her competitors. Here I am, watching reruns of a reality cable show from three years ago, and recognizing how infinitely hate-able I have always been (the sickening byproduct of charm).

The only thing I’ve ever been able to count on is paralyzing self-awareness. I’ve always known what I look like, always been able to tell what everyone thought. When I felt some of that hatred coming my way, fair or not, I always knew how to disappear for a week, seeking the tincture of time.

I hope tonight I dream about robots with big boobs.

0 thoughts on “rapid ire movements

  1. xuxE

    i don’t know, it kinda just sounds like PMS. it’ll pass. if the robot boob thing doesn’t work you could maybe try midol.

    Reply
  2. Killian

    WOW: infinite hate-ability (self-loathing) as “the sickening by-product of charm”. OMYGod, my shrink is SOOOOO jealous that she did not say this. Seriously, this might replace at LEAST 6 months of visits–what a connection. thank you. and I wish you PLEASANT dreams, of robot/boob/whatever variety! :)

    Reply
  3. Anne

    Love the anxiety dreams, eh. What are you most afraid of? I guess now we know.
    Don’t worry, Ian. No one will ever mistake you for Larry David. ;-) (We got a free HBO subscription this winter and have been watching “Curb Your Enthusiasm” re-runs every night.)

    Reply
  4. Claudia

    “Insecure defiance” is a good description of it. I think Wendy’s biggest problem was not what she did, but how she talked about it.
    What does this comment have to do with the way you’re feeling? Very little. It’s just a way for me to raise my hand and say, “I know! I get the reference!” (You’re not the only one who’s insecure.) And isn’t that what we all do as readers and writers? We deem writing “good,” in part, because it speaks to us about things that we’re thinking, yet we don’t realize other people are thinking. In fact, everyone’s thinking the same thing; it’s just that the writer had the balls to say it, hopefully eloquently.
    So, relax. You’re inherently gutsy.

    Reply
  5. kaz

    nobody hate you, ian…well, maybe that troll dude and some other righties, but they surely get pleasure out of having a formidable opponent. sweet dreams tonight!

    Reply
  6. Alyson

    I hate when your dreams are so vivid and horrific that they hijack your day. I had one of these last week where I suddenly found myself in my apartment with a different boyfriend. He kept making these life decisions and I had no say and felt completely overwhelmed and sad, even after I woke up to see my real, wonderful, supportive, open boyfriend sleeping next to me.
    Good luck finding some good vibes and getting some decent sleep.

    Reply
  7. Bud

    Geez, Ian, sounds like you’re afraid of your Id… or something like that. Maybe afraid to show the world who you really are out of fear of rejection? No worries. We’ve known you for years, we understand the good and the bad parts and we’ll take you just the way you are. OK?
    You may find dreams boring, but I think a lot of people find them fascinating.
    A couple of nights ago, I dreamed our basement had a huge glass wall looking into a lake – kind of like a gigantic aquarium. I walked downstairs one day to find all the water had frozen. All the fish — small, medium, large, huge — were frozen in place. This kind of horrified/horrifies me.
    What the hell does it MEAN?
    Wild ass guesses greatly appreciated.

    Reply
  8. ken

    The only thing worse than your own dreams haunting you is when you’re held accountable for something you did in your spouse’s dream.

    Reply
  9. Neva

    Bud – your world is at a stand still – obviously you feel frozen in place. Actually, I have no idea, but that sounded good.
    Ian, that sounds like a new twist on the good old anxiety dream – one I have variations of a lot. I still frequently dream it is the day of a final exam and I forgot I even registered for the class.
    Last night I had a new one though that involved a good friend from childhood getting bitten by a snake and then me trying to save her but not being able to get any ambulance to take us to a hospital. She was the adult version of herself until I went to pick her up and run with her and then she was child size. The worst part was that there were ambulances everywhere but people were lined up getting tours of them and those folks were saying they had already paid for tickets and they were going to leave until they had their tour – therefore the ambulance couldn’t leave either. I was so frustrated. It was like medical emergency meets DMV line or something like that – worst fears, anxieties and frustrations all rolled into one.. Yuck.

    Reply
  10. Neva

    Interestingly writing this down above brought an epiphany. I think that my dream was a way of explaining my frustration with being a doctor these days? That, and not always being able to “fix” situations. Strange, didn’t occur to me until I wrote it down but seems obvious now. Thanks.

    Reply
  11. Rebecca

    Bud, you clearly do not REALLY believe in global warming. Your conscience is trying to tell you to rebel against Ian on this one. Or you’ve just recently watched ICE AGE and that scene in the ice cave stuck in your mind.

    Reply
  12. Monica

    Ian, I might know how you feel. Sometimes I feel as if, when people look at me, my picture is way too sharp, like maxing out the Unsharp Mask filter in Photoshop. And I feel as if I’ve exposed too much, when I’m better taken in small, manageable doses. Then I have to hide out for a while, and later learn that no one else noticed anything out of the ordinary.

    Reply
  13. Greg T.

    I think one of the reasons I’ve been reading this blog for so long is entries like these and how directly I can relate to them.
    I’m not sure if constantly psycho-analyzing myself is just a form of procrastination to avoid doing thinkgs I’m afraid I might not do well, or if that analysis makes me feel so insecure that it triggers the procrastination.
    Monica – I know that feeling very well. I sometimes feel like I’m boring everyone else and that while I think I’m being clever, others are merely tolerating my presence.

    Reply

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