This just in: Hillary Clinton’s bulldog Tom Buffenbarger just said of Obama:
Give me a break! I’ve got news for all the latte-drinking, Prius-driving, Birkenstock-wearing, trust fund babies crowding in to hear him speak! This guy won’t last a round against the Republican attack machine. He’s a poet, not a fighter.
Now it’s one thing to denigrate my candidate for the president of the United States – but it’s another thing entirely to talk shit about lattes and Prii. First off, lattés are good. Really good. Do I need to post a picture of my various syrups again? Oh, well, okay!
I use the Francis Francis X1 with espresso pods, and let me tell you, that machine is both a poet and a fighter. I dare you to get out of my house, having downed a triple-shot Chocolate Biscotti latté, and NOT WANT TO FUCK SHIT UP. That caffeine crosses your blood brain barrier quicker than crack, and it won’t be long before you pick up an aluminum baseball bat and go wilding for Republicans.
Many’s the time, after a quadruple Americano, or a 32-ounce Pistachio Vanilla Red Eye (served with frothed milk and a sprinkling of nutmeg) that I’ve had to stop major revolutions from brewing out of my kitchen, and spilling over into violent demonstrations in urban areas. The revolution may not be televised, but it will be powered by my powder-puff pink espresso maker – BITCH!
As for our Prius, where does Tom Barfenburger get off? Perhaps he hasn’t seen the latest addition to our already-cock-rocking hybrid sedan, the SHARK FIN ANTENNA:
As if we didn’t already get 60 mpg, this aerodynamic little puppy shaves another .003 mpg off our consumption, not to mention that it says “Enormous Sperm Count Contained Inside Vehicle.” Also, I might add that the Prius is virtually silent when going down alleyways, due to the electric engine, which scares the shit out of unsuspecting pedestrians. And what do Republicans fear more than anything? That’s right, being attacked by silent thugs in alleyways.
Lucy preparing to kick ass in the Prius, August 2005
All I’m saying is this: when we use our trust fund money to buy our Prius, shove a Macadamia Nut soy latté in the cupholder, and crank NPR, we’re a SEARCH AND DESTROY REPUBLICAN HUNTING MACHINE.
He’s got a point about Birkenstocks, though. Yuck!