Look, god dammit, it’s 2008 and there’s still so much shit that doesn’t work right. Let’s make this real simple. I’ll use a list so that people in charge can understand:
1. DVD Menu Navigation – Yes, I’ve said it before. But that was three years ago and finding the Director’s Commentary or Deleted Scenes on DVDs is still as cumbersome – and slow – as playing Myst on a 1994 Mac Quadra.
2. Universal Remotes – You can spend $300 on a Harmony 1000 or $19.95 on a piece of shit from Radio Shack, and you’ll wind up with the same thing: a plastic brick that doesn’t know how to turn on your stereo and switch to VIDEO 1. The option is having seven remotes on the couch, and then when the phone rings, I might as well answer my frickin’ shoe.
3. Flat-head Screws – I put together things. You know, I attach wood pieces to other wood pieces. I even attach metal pieces to other metal pieces if I’m feeling saucy. So why, oh why, companies? Why do you still use screws with technology from the John Quincy Adams administration?
4. Red-eye Reduction – I guess it’s cool that we’re just animals, really, like cats in car headlights, but is there some other technology for red-eye that doesn’t involve a blinding flash, and then a picture of someone who thought the picture had already been taken? Oh, and “The Red Eye” meant something else in high school, just FYI.
5. Gas Pump Handles in New England – In the West, you can squeeze the gas pump handle and it’ll lock onto three different flow levels, depending on your car’s esophagus. This allows you get away from the toxic fumes, or, say, tend to the toddler that is eating a whole tube of ChapStick. Not so in New England: there, you are forced to hold the pump handle THE ENTIRE TIME, especially if it’s 40 below zero outside in a blinding snowstorm and the gas pump handle in question is approaching ZERO KELVIN.
6. Hi-Def Video Sync – You pay for a big flat-screen LCD television, pony up for the HD channels on cable or satellite, connect it to your stereo and sit back for the big game. But guess what? Because audio is pretty simple, and video takes so long to process, ESPN HD has about a half-second lag between the sound and the picture. Call Comcast or DirecTV to complain… I dare you.
7. Cell Phone Service – Really, don’t you just want to roll down your window and frisbee the fucking thing out of the car?