general tso’s checkin’


Okay, let’s play catch-up with the blog.

1. It’s true what they say: colonoscopies and endoscopies are fine in and of themselves, but the preparation? Jesus Living Poopypants, that was one of the most miserable nights of my life. I hope by the time Lucy and all our other kids get to my age, there’s some GammaCam that will be able to see your jejunum in hi-def without even taking off your fanny pack.

Another thing – I don’t know how many of you have had to “go under” in the last couple of years, but the art of anesthesia has truly turned a corner. No longer are you groggy for days; they can time your waking within minutes. In fact, they had to wake me up after one procedure to get my consent for the next, and it was no problem.

2. Great answers for the pop quiz on Thursday – particularly strong entries from Kevin, Sean M, Ehren and Caren, and of course Kaz wrote the book on question one. Janet provided her poetry, and if Matt had answered all three questions, he probably would have gotten the highest grade, but alas…

Anyway, our independent graders give the highest marks to Jody K, for clarity, succinctness and overall command. Jody, what bizarre Venice beach tchotchke would you like, or do any of you have suggestions?

3. The Chinese Gymanastic Team? Give me a fucking break. Yes, they were fantastic in many respects, but fer crying out loud… THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE 16 YEARS OLD.

I come from a big family. I have hundreds of cousins. I have seen thousands of people grow up before my eyes. I know what a 10-year-old looks like, I know what a 12-year-old looks like, and I know what a 14-year-old looks like. Only their team captain, not coincidentally their worst performer, could possibly be sixteen.

It’s cheating, straight-up, grade-A bullshit. 20-year-old Alicia Sacramone, the oddly-hot American gymnast, buckled under the pressure, sure, but I agree with Ann Killion – it’s not fair to compete against children who haven’t got a full grasp of the stakes.

I guess nobody can actually do a damned thing about this, because the Chinese government can provide any documentation they want – and god knows, if we have to apologize for wearing masks in the polluted bike races, we sure can’t raise a stink about 12-year-old gymnasts.

You know me – I’m no jingoistic America-first chowderhead, and proved it during the last Olympics, but this, my friends, is a load of crap. Come back, Sam Peszek, come back, Nastia! You’re pure, American, curvy, athletic, womanly gold in my heart!


14 thoughts on “general tso’s checkin’

  1. Anne

    Totally agree about the Chinese gymnasts. What a massive farce. The girls are darling and immensely talented. But the deceit… puh-leeeeez. It would be hilarious if the stakes weren’t so high.
    Sacramone is a student at the university where I work. She is not the perfect all-around gymnast, maybe but it’s been a thrill watching her nail some of her strong events and also be the “mom” of the US team at age 20.
    Welcome back from Poopyville, Ian!

  2. Neva

    Sorry about the prep. I hear tales of GI docs from great lands elsewhere that will Rx pills instead of liquid preps but I have yet to find anyone here who will do it.
    Agree about the Chinese gymnasts, but did you see the great story about the 33 year old Mom of a child with leukemia who moved from Russia (I think?) to Germany to get her kid treated and is still competing well at 33. Between her and Torres I’m feeling like such a couch potato Mom!

  3. dean

    Sorry about your hiney, Ian.
    As for the gymnastics, why does it matter that the Commies are younger? Have you looked at our girls — do the (for the most part) resemble normal teenagers? Hell, according to a report on HBO’s RealSports, most of our gymnasts don’t start menstruating until their 20’s anyway because of the regimens they undergo during the formative years.
    Yeah yeah yeah, I know gymnastics is great . . . blahblahblah. But, if you take s small step back, it is all a tad creepy, isn’t it?

  4. mcf

    isn’t listening to bella karolyi do color commentary oddly fabulous? even though you can’t understand a thing?

  5. Neva

    Agree with Dean – our 4 foot 9 inch girls aren’t exactly typical either. I do think it was a great idea to up the age recommendations. How about a body fat minimum?

  6. Jody

    Being one of the few non liberal arts majors reading this blog, I put my contest win with the Chinese gymnasts: succinct, emotionless, passionless, trained and not fully aware of the stakes.
    That being said, any armless t-shirt, wifebeater or better yet – 80’s Flashdance cut sleeve muscle shirt with ‘Venice Beach’ emblazoned would go over very well here. 2nd option: cheapest hula statue with hermaphroditic tendencies.
    I will return a photo with any or either in their new home.

  7. jje

    All this chatter about gymnasts and their ages has me flashing back to my junior year of high school as an exchange student in France.
    We had to take PE and every couple of weeks we’d focus on something new – basketball (let’s not discuss how everyone assumed the American would shine in the spotlight – my first smooth move was scoring in the other team’s basket), swimming, track and field, etc. Eventually, they brought us inside for gymnastics. I go into it assuming it’s going to be basic floor stuff – cartwheels, summersaults, ribbon dancing, whatever.
    Oh but no.
    I can’t even tell you how shocked I was when they put me in front of the uneven bars, the vault (to do a freakin’ handspring off the horse, or whatever it’s called) and the balance beam (to do the aforementioned cartwheels and summersaults) and expected me to rock it out.
    I was like “Seriously? Umm, hello, I’m 17-almost-18 years old, I’ve spent the past six months snarfing down croissants and cheese, and while I’ve watched gymnastics on tv approximately every four years, there is no way I’m going to pick this stuff up today ON THE FLY without causing myself serious bodily harm.”
    The teacher kept insisting I try and I kept insisting that no way, no how. From that day forward, she was not my biggest fan.
    Madame LeRoi…it’s been almost 20 years and I still can picture that crazy lady and the scene like it was yesterday.

  8. eric g.

    I’m with ya on the wonders of modern anesthesia. I had throat surgery in April, and I was amazed at how far that process has come. I was completely under for two hours, but it seemed like I took a short nap. The pain from the surgery itself was excruciating for about a week, but the anesthesia aspect of the surgery was quick and painless.


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