I’ve had a rough time lately. We’ve gone through some very tough situations personally, and this time, I’m having trouble fighting my way out of it, having it make thematic sense. Career-wise, things are going wonderfully crazy, and Lucy is – as always – a bright blue-eyed beacon of light, and Tessa and I just celebrated five years of marriage, every day better than the one before. But sometimes even a sober understanding of your blessings can’t pull you out of certain depressions.
August has always been a rough month, famously crappy for everyone except the French, who leave their homes and go gallivanting in the tropics. My deepest lows have always found a home in the dog days, most likely some pervasive recollection from childhood, or the constant feeling I was being left behind. It was in August that I developed my worst OCD habits, and my most destructive magical thinking.
I wish I could list some of the actual things that have led me down this path, but it’s just too personal, and besides, this is where I hope people come to hear fart jokes. One thing I can say is this: I miss my friends. I miss New York, I miss the crowd I spent 25 years making, I miss my family far away, I miss hoops at Mulberry Street Garden, I miss folks in Atlanta, Wichita, Carrboro and Chicago. Yet our prime career success is right here, and this is where we must be.
And I can say one other thing: it may sound silly, but I’m apoplectic with disgust and fear over the political future of our country. Quite simply, I can’t fathom an electorate where John McCain is essentially tied with Barack Obama. Perhaps that will look even goofier when I read this entry years from now, but if so many of my fellow Americans can vote for McCain after the last eight years… that’s pretty much it for me, I want no part of it. And thus, again, I’m stuck.
The big picture always combines your prevailing winds with an average of your ecstasies and miseries. Usually the Celexa keeps me from going too far down the rabbit burrow of existential darkness, but perhaps there are some things you simply must feel, and then be proud you conquered.