Okay, that’s a good start for this pitch: a down-and-seemingly-out Presidential candidate is not only facing an election year drubbing because of a toxic incumbent, but he just got shellacked by a fabulous political convention held by the other side.
A hurricane forms in the Gulf – eerily on the exact same date as another hurricane did three years ago, a storm that exposed the current Administration as a bunch of witless, cruel morons. And as luck would have it, this new hurricane is due to make landfall the day HIS convention starts.
What to do? Something bizarre. Something unimaginable. Time to throw away the playbook and scream out an audible.
The solution gobsmacks him: pick a young, bizarrely-inexperienced woman for vice president who looks like the girl wearing glasses in Adam Ant’s “Goody Two Shoes” video. She’s against abortion even in cases of rape, she was a member of a party that wanted Alaska to secede from the Union, she’s a climate-change-denier, and she’s ALL WOMAN.
Stuns the political world.
But here’s the second act wrinkle: rumors are floating around that her 4-month-old child might not be hers. The rumors say it’s a child belonging to her underage daughter – after all, the daughter had “mono” for 6-8 months during the same time. Plus, when our woman’s “water broke”, she was in Texas… and had time to hop a plane to Seattle, then got on another plane to a tiny hospital in Alaska with very few witnesses?
Oh, it just seems so crazy. But the rumor is gathering steam. There’s only one thing for it: a TRUTH even MORE BIZARRE than the rumor. “Actually,” the VP pick says, her daughter is “ALREADY PREGNANT.” She’s five months long, conveniently one month longer than her baby’s current age.
Hypocrisy? Abstinence-only show to be bullshit? Sure, but they can weather it. In fact, it might even help. Maybe it revives the old guy’s campaign.
But here’s where our pitch gets good. It’s something I call the TMF – the Triple Mindfuck. Good political and psychological thrillers always have a twist at the end, but the great ones have two.
The daughter’s pregnancy isn’t real… but she continues the pantomime. She disappears from public view – again – occasionally resurfacing to show a larger belly under an undisclosed number of sweaters.
Another baby, given up for adoption just before the daughter’s fake due date, is found. She emerges on Christmas Day from the hospital with the new baby, marries her boyfriend, and the family – and country – is intact.
Think about it… the mother pretends to carry a baby that isn’t hers in order to cover for the daughter. The daughter pretends to carry a baby that isn’t hers in order to cover for the mother. It’s Shakespeare, but since it ends with babies and marriage, that makes it a comedy!