conjunction junction

12/15/08

Sentences that are going to end badly, Case Study #413B:

1. Not to quibble, but… [I’m now going to quibble}

2. That’s so cool – you know, I… [didn’t really listen, I was just waiting for you to finish talking]

3. This drug is generally well-tolerated… [so have fun on the toilet all night]

4. I’m not racist, but… [I’m a fucking racist]

5. It really accomplishes what it sets out to do… [which, apparently, is to bore me to fucking tears]

6. It’s not you, it’s me… [and on behalf of me, I don’t like you anymore]

7. Maybe it’s a cultural thing… [because I’m a fucking racist]

8. Literally… [I don’t know what “literally” means]

9. I was wondering… [what’s the best way to make you do something you don’t want to do?]

10. I know there’s a lot of Duke-haters out there, but… [I’m a lobotomized ass-monkey with no moral compass]

0 thoughts on “conjunction junction

  1. GFWD

    Nothing good comes from the following opening salvos either:
    “Bless her heart . . .” [now I’m going to tell you why she’s such a frickin idiot.]
    “I see your point . . .” [I don’t see your point. I was never really listening to see your point, but I’m about to tell you mine.]

    Reply
  2. Anne

    “Well, you can just …” [research and write and vet that article and put it on the Web in an hour]
    “That’s one way of looking at it…” [you moron]

    Reply
  3. LFMD

    Just wanted to let you know that when I heard the news about the Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush, you were the first person I thought of! As in, “I wonder if Ian will write about that!”
    Sorry to hear about your sinus problem. I ended up at the doctor’s yesterday. . . Nasonex and Claritin did not fix my prob.
    My husband always says “I have good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?” I hate that!

    Reply
  4. kent

    The one my wife always gets mad at me for is “The thing you need to realize is…”
    And people really need to learn what ‘literally’ and ‘virtually’ mean. They’re such useful words, used correctly.

    Reply
  5. emma

    First cousin to Number 1 on your list:
    “No offense, but [I’m getting ready to say something offensive and since I qualified it by the phrase at the beginning, it is ok.]

    Reply
  6. cullen

    Other fairly MEANingless/ful transitional phrases include:
    1. Not for nothing, but……(something)….
    I hear this one alot in New York and Long Island.
    2. ……….., but i’m just kidding (not).
    I’ve heard this one my whole life, largely from lovely southern gals who are seldom, if ever ‘just kidding’.
    3. Now I’m just playin’ the devil’s advocate, but…
    4. I’m not trying to be mean, but….

    Reply
  7. CM

    “Can I ask you a question?” usually means “Can I say something that’s probably insulting and personal without it bothering you at all?”

    Reply
  8. Tanya

    Lordy, Kent. Your wife is right. That ruffled my feathers, and it didn’t even have an ending! :)
    My sister-in-law uses one that drives me batty: “I guess I’m not making myself clear…”. Yes, you are, I just don’t agree with you. Grrrr.

    Reply
  9. Once a heel

    “Correct me if I’m wrong…” [Shut-up, I’m not wrong]
    “Maybe some other time…” [I’m never doing that]
    “You won’t believe what I just read on this site…” [You’re about to be Rick-rolled]

    Reply
  10. Mindy

    “We’ll see” or “maybe later”. Unfortunately, my 6 year old has finally figured out that they both mean “No way”. Not sure if it’s sad or lucky, but some of the adults I work with haven’t figured that out.

    Reply
  11. Mindy

    Oops — just read the original post again and realized mine aren’t sentences.
    But I do have the start of one that my husband uses constantly (and it drives me crazy). “You’re going to love this…” [not nearly as much as you do!]

    Reply
  12. Chuck B.

    “Frankly speaking,…”
    As soon as someone starts a sentence with “frankly,” I know I am about to get lied to.

    Reply
  13. kent

    The awesome one from “Orgazmo” is
    “I don’t wanna sound queer or nothin but…”
    Great running gag in that movie. It has a cousin, the ‘no homo’ suffix. As in “‘Mandy’ is my favorite Barry Manilow song NO HOMO.”
    And to my gay brothers and sisters, I hope you know I in no way mean these in a pejorative way towards homosexuals.

    Reply
  14. GFWD

    My wife’s annoying ones are:
    “Here’s a thought . . .” [dumbass, instead of bathing the kids and then feeding them pasta with red sauce, how about using a bib with dinner and THEN bathing them].
    “Honestly . . .” [which makes me always think, ‘no, just lie to me’].
    “As you will recall . . .” [dumbass, I already told you this ten times–why don’t you listen to me?]
    and finally
    “Hey dumbass . . . ”

    Reply
  15. Kevin in Philadelpjia

    HAHA, what a great way to come back to your blog after many many months away. Aside from the Duke comment…I still love my Blue Devils.

    Reply
  16. Annie H.

    Oh, wow. This blog was just WAITING for me. I have been in a thick rage LIT ER AL LY from the moment I woke up this morning. Which reminds me of some *choice* phrases occasionally served up by someone very close to me:
    “I don’t know if you’re on your period or what, but…[you must be on your period because you are acting like such a big crazy bitch]” {Editorial note to boyfriends of girls/women: Do not not NOT say this or anything similar EVER for any reason. Plus, you are a fucking dumbass because the rage happens BEFORE the period. BEFORE. Remember it, Asshole}
    “I hate to tell you this, but…[I’m so obviously RELISHING reflecting some shitty, unevolved part of your personality back to you]”
    “One big difference between you and me is… [you are an unevolved fuckup and I’m not]”

    Reply
  17. jje

    There is nothing I like to hear more than “bless her heart,…” from my friends because I know I’m about to hear something deliciously catty. LOL!
    I’m awful, I know…

    Reply
  18. asd

    OT
    I love the title!!
    I read it and the first thing i thought was
    what’s your function
    I loved I’m just a Bill too.
    To Lucy with the spelling of Mommy I suggest
    The Coffee Song by Ralph’s World. Great song.
    She will be able to spell coffee too.

    Reply
  19. Lyle

    “Would you be offended if…” [I do something completely inconsiderate that would offend most sentient beings, like bring the only person who ever broke your heart as my plus-one to your 40th birthday party?]

    Reply
  20. Once a heel

    Another classic heard today:
    “So what you’re saying is,…” [Rather than thoughtfully consider what you just said, let me spin it back in such a way that completely misses the point but does make you sound like an a**hole.]

    Reply
  21. julie

    This is the number one CJ going ’round the office…
    “I’m sorry for the late notice, but”…(but I’m not really that sorry to ask you oh and by the way I was just too lazy/stupid/forgetful/irresponsible etc. to ask earlier, and finally I need it right now, wait I needed it 5 minutes ago).

    Reply
  22. Mark C.

    “I have a random question” …[that is highly unlikely]
    “That is so random” …. [I have no idea what random means]
    “Awesome” …. [I doubt it, very few things are, in fact, awesome]
    Is it obvious I teach statistics?

    Reply
  23. Scott M.

    My wife hates when people say, “Does that make sense?”
    She thinks it implies, “I’m being quite clear, but since you’re stupid – do you understand or not?”
    Especially when what they said is really quite clear or obvious.
    I don’t have a problem with it, because I think most people just use it for affirmation – they don’t really think they confused you, but they want affirmation that you’re still listening. It’s just another way of saying, “Know what I mean?”
    Plus, some people don’t always make sense except in their own head, and I’m usually glad for the chance to point out when this is the case…

    Reply

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