elbow room

12/17/08

Relationships that are going to end badly, Case Study #887g

Part of our ongoing Public Service series from the editors at XTCIAN™

1. Sexy Bohemian Chick With Secrets – It begins with a lost weekend, a 36-hour falling-into-each-other that convinces you that there surely can be nobody else on Earth. Talking in bed three millimeters from each other, you reveal everything, and so does she, except for a few stories that trail off into vagueness. It ends with screams, invocations of the crazy thing that you never found out about, and she slips away to have the same lost weekend with someone else. Don’t worry, you will too.

2. Overly-Excited Prospective Boss – Years and years ago, after submitting my resumĂ© over and over, I was called into the main office of the biggest movie trailer maker in Hollywood. The ads for their summer blockbuster were sucking, and the multi-billion head of the company was at wit’s end: “Fix this fucking thing,” he said to me.

I took home the movie, came back with twenty ideas for ads, and sat in the room while the studio heads read them silently. Finally, the main honcho looked up, peered into my eyes and said “we’re going to make you very, very rich.” I knew then and there it was time to look for another job.

We call this The Law of Inverse Enthusiasm: when you meet the person who fawns irrationally over your talents, you can either leave right then, or wait for it to fall apart on its own.

3. Honest Would-Be Boyfriend With Disclaimers – He says he is incapable of something real; he says he might be a little warped emotionally; he has never felt true love. Oh, but you’re the one who’s going to teach him, right? Certainly if he’s this honest, he’s capable of infinite change!

The next time a guy tells you he’s incapable of something real, that he’s warped emotionally, and has never felt true love – MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVE HIM!

4. Drummers

5. The Brazen, Materialistic, Unapologetically Shallow Lady – Their chutzpah alone counts for a lot of sex appeal, and their “yeah I said it” brassiness may make sense for a world in which there’s a lot to want, but they long ago traded their good humor for some bad notions. On the internet dating sites, they specify an absolute minimum that potential boyfriends need to earn yearly, which might explain why they’re still on internet dating sites.

Once landed, it’s all cool as long as you remain exciting, but god forbid you hit a rough patch, because you won’t get home in time to see her bolt out the fuckin’ door.

6. Has to Be Funnier Than Anyone Else Guy – Starts off great, especially when you’re alone with him. He’s got a few good stories and at least he tries, but he always gets into a cockfight of anecdotal horseshit when placed in company with other people, especially those who are effortlessly humorous. His unnecessary rejoinders sink in quality as they become more desperate, and after a few weeks, you’re wondering why his momma didn’t pay more attention to him.

7. The One-Issue Assassin – Found a woman who’s perfect except for lockstep veganism? Found a guy who’s smart, but loses his fucking mind when he talks about Israel? Sure, tell yourself you can avoid the subject indefinitely, but there will come a night, perhaps after an offhand comment, when they will scream at you in the kitchen, telling you “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND” and “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY SEE THINGS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE” and then they’ll tell you to “GO FUCK OFF”. Which is precisely when you will feel the need to begin fucking off.

8. The Big Partz Haver – Somehow, it always comes back to the subject of her huge tits. No matter what happens, it’s back to the Big Cock. The Big Partz Haver has a bizarre confidence that exudes from within, an ace in the hole that rarely be beaten. She knows you’ll come back; they always do. He knows the stories about his genitalia will overshadow any acts of callousness; in fact, it might enhance them. Their partz hypnotize, they lull you into thinking you’re NOT thinking about them, but you know you are. You’re thinking about it right now. STOP IT!

0 thoughts on “elbow room

  1. Isaac

    Great post – I think you I’ve managed to date one person that covers a large portion of those case studies. If only this public service announcement had come sooner. Then again, some of those archetypes are so goddamn tempting at the time…

    Reply
  2. Dan James

    “The Law of Inverse Enthusiasm” – Ever since you shared this with our breakfast table at Zap I’ve been concerned we’re doing this with Obama. We need to lower our enthusiasm people! I think he’ll do a satisfactory job.

    Reply
  3. Chasey Jameson

    Hilarious!
    I’ll add one more:
    9. The Guy Who’s Seen Tons of Porn and Has Almost No Experience with Actual Women – because being gifted with lucite wedge sandals is fun for about fifteen minutes, but, after that, you just want to have an orgasm from a guy who’s okay with the fact that the last time you shaved your legs was a whopping 24 hours ago.

    Reply
  4. Caroline

    Ian, I feel a little like I just read a one sheet for “Friends: The Reunion on the Dark Side”.
    The one you forgot is The Really Good Friend: The friend who appears to go out of their way to be nice and thoughtful, but it’s totally insincere since they only do it in public to get praise from people about how nice and thoughtful they are.
    Please tell me I’m not the only one who knows this person!!

    Reply
  5. Bozoette Mary

    I’ll add one too: The Boy/Girl Who Has Never Broken Up With Anyone. At first you feel sorry for this person, because he/she has always been dumped. There’s a reason; it’s because he/she behaves so badly that the other party can’t stand it anymore. RUN.

    Reply
  6. Anon

    “9. The Guy Who’s Seen Tons of Porn and Has Almost No Experience with Actual Women”
    And calls you a prude because you don’t want to constantly do Weird Stuff all the time.

    Reply
  7. kent

    Bulletin From The Land Of People Old Enough To Have Started Their Sex Lives Before Ubiquitous Availability Of Porn:
    Guys? Semen used to be a byproduct of great sex, not the fetish object it has now become. People used to make love, and do so with reckless abandon, and with a towel handy to mop up the random spurtage. Now it seems like guys have idea that their semen needs to be artfully painted on some external part of their true love’s body for the experience to be complete.
    And word to the inexperienced — comfortable, hot sex positions do not take camera angles into account.

    Reply
  8. wyatt

    Ref. #2, and the Law of Inverse Enthusiasm: my wife’s officemate, Miner Ken, insists that the more photos of your kids you have on your desk, the less you like you kids.

    Reply
  9. Lee

    Great post!
    I’m not so sure about your friend’s theory, Wyatt.
    I have tons of pics of my daughter at work bc her funny little faces she makes for these pics make me feel good when I’m on the phone with assholes.
    But that’s just my reason!

    Reply
  10. Scott M.

    No mention of Tyler breaking the all-time UNC scoring record? I thought perhaps today there would be a video of Lucy celebrating.
    I was there and the Dean Dome went bananas. There was also a pretty cool post-game video tribute.

    Reply
  11. ken

    A variation on The Big Partz Haver is the person who has a quality or trait they want everyone to know but keep it a ‘secret’ for the first few minutes you meet but then it ‘slips out’.
    Examples include Harvard grads, very rich people, astronauts and famous people. They try to play it cool but eventually steer the conversation to an avenue where they can tell you they got a perfect 1600 on their SAT test, or were a standby on a Space Shuttle mission four years ago or drive a Bentley. Those are extreme examples but we’ve all witnessed these types.

    Reply
  12. Katie

    I managed to have a combination of several in my last relationship – he was a sexy materialistic bohemian with large muscle partz who had to be funnier than anyone and spouted overly-excited disclaimers.

    Reply
  13. Joe

    A belated note of agreement with Ian regarding drummers. I can think of a couple of individuals who stand as exceptions to that rule, of course.
    One significant deviation, however, would be drummers who have moved on to other instruments. I number myself among that group, along with one fo Ian’s purple house roomies (Clay).
    If you can play a melody instrument you generally prefer making a pleasing sound as opposed to creating a facsimile of the sound of a synchronized car-crash – yes, I’m talking about you, Keith Moon.
    Even worse when that crash has been precisely set to a metronome – guilty, Neal Peart. Bonus point-deduction for those awful lyrics; by nature, drummers are seldom poets.

    Reply

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