augmentin’ my misomania


Okay, for the nine readers I’ve got for today, I’m going to tell you this: I motherfucking PRAY you don’t get as sick as I just did for the last six days. What a god damned disaster. I’ve held off discussing my diseases on here – if you can believe it – only telling you guys half the time I come down with something, because it would make me look like an open wound bawling at the fucking sky. But THIS one took THE FUCKING CAKE.

Six days, in bed, with my sinuses and eyeballs on fire, migraines that would induce projectile vomiting, a perforated eardrum, trying desperately to chomp down antibiotics like Augmentin and Omnicef. The nights got so bad I turned to Tussionex, a Vicodin-laced cough suppressant that doubled as a fucking PSYCHOTROPIC HALLUCINOGEN.

One teaspoon of that shit, and I was writhing in a hot sweat, dreaming that I was back in high school, cornered by all 99 of my classmates, where they demanded to know why I had a crush on Sharon F., and what was so special about me that would make her like me back… all right in front of Sharon. Then I witnessed my little dog Lily get stuck in a tube where we couldn’t help her, and had to say goodbye. This shit went on ALL NIGHT. SIX NIGHTS.

It wasn’t until this morning, when I woke up in New York and heard an actual robin chirping, that I believed I’d ever be well again. I have lost six pounds, and my eyes have black circles under them. I walk around, hollowed out, looking at all the beautiful scenery thinking “I wish I were here.”

No remedies, no immune boosters, I’m tired of all that fucking shit. Here’s the deal: Lucy gets something from every toddler at her preschool, and brings it home. She gets over it in 24 hours, and I get over it in 144. I can’t make her wash her hands every time I see her, and I can’t carry around a fucking bottle of Purell. Jesus, it’s probably not even her. Forget scapegoating my daughter; I’m just a gaping, needy, vortex of mucous cells that CRY OUT FOR INFLUENZA.

I’m at the end of my rope with this fucking shit. I used to be depressed, then despondent, now I’m just ANGRY. I refuse to be Polly Prissypants, walking around my own home wearing a bactericidal mask, having Howard Hughes-like soups prepared in a sterile dish. WHAT the FUCK.

Anyway, have a happy Memorial Day. Healthy motherfuckers.

24 thoughts on “augmentin’ my misomania

  1. LFMD

    I was wondering where you’ve been. So sorry to hear about your illness. Rage away if it makes you feel better.
    I like your phrase, “open wound bawling at the fucking sky.” That is me, right this minute. During a heart-wrenching visit to the vet last night, we came to the realization that we need to put our beloved beagle, Jack, to sleep in the next day or two. Yesterday was his 13th birthday. He has severe organ failure, and his time has come.
    Since yesterday, I have cried so hard that my face aches. I love that dog more than most people in my life. Open wound bawling at the fucking sky. . .that is definitely me.
    I don’t mean to sidetrack your entry today. I haven’t even told my family about Jack, because I can’t deal with it yet. Just wanted to let you know that after a sleepless night of wailing, crying, nightmares, cursing, and chewing on my bedsheets, I read your blog and it made me feel better –life sucks sometimes and it is OK to rage about it. I really hope that you feel better soon. Take care.

  2. Anne

    OMG, Laurie… DAMN. See you on Facebook. So so sorry.
    Ian: Do the docs have any explanation as to why you’re so susceptible to these sinus conditions?
    And, I hate things like Vicodin for the very hallucinatory effects you mention. I hate not feeling in control of my mind.
    Hope you get better and better and better.

  3. Killian

    Ian and Laurie- reader #10 sends you all the love and sympathy that fucking sky can offer. I am sooooo sorry to hear your miseries. Here’s to sleep, strength, and serenity.

  4. CM

    Ian, feel better, and Laurie, I’m so sorry. Jack has been with you for so long. I wish your sweet doggie a gentle rest.

  5. Neva

    Oh Laurie! I’m so sorry about Jack. Hang in there and celebrate all the good memories and know you are taking care of him well in his last days and helping him not to suffer.
    And Ian, I swear you have the worst luck with infections. Have you always been more susceptible than most people? There are folks with minor immune deficiencies and maybe you are one of them. I’d be careful about so many antibiotics as I’m worried the next thing you’ll get is c. diff or some terribly resistant infection.
    Seems like you mainly have viruses that won’t respond to antibiotics. Augmentin and omnicef are pretty potent killers of all good bacteria too.
    I hate tussionex too. The one time I tried it I felt exhausted but aggitated at the same time so unable to sleep. Miserable. Always amazed me that some people can like those drugs so much but I guess we’re all different.
    I’m glad you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with this one. I’m sorry it’s so bad.
    Did the ENT not have any suggestions for you?

  6. GFWD

    I’m on the Tussionex right now, too. For an upper chest infection. When I exhale, it sounds like bacon frying. But free range bacon, so it’s a healthier sound.
    I didn’t get any trippy dreams, just a dire warning from the doctor not to plan for ANYTHING after taking it. I found it just sort of kept me awake. I’ve had Advil knock me out better than that stuff. I had the kind of reaction Dr. Neva had. He gave me some other pill for during the day medication. It looks like a little round clear pearl.
    Laurie, sorry to hear about your furry family member. Never easy and impossible to replace with just another pet. In a few months, however, when your heart has healed some, a cathartic trip to the Humane Society may allow you to welcome a new family member into the fold.
    Of course, you’ll then have to deal with all the highs and lows of trying to get that furry family member not to piss on your duvet. Even if you did lock it in your bedroom all day by mistake and it wasn’t really said furry family member’s fault.
    I’m just saying, you’ve got that going for you. Which is nice.
    Have a good weekend all. Just got my Daily Tar Heel poster of the National Championship celebration mounted and it’s ready to hang in my daughter’s bedroom. My son has the one from 2005.
    I’d like Roy to get another one soon for MY bedroom. And then another for my bathroom. Another for the den, etc.

  7. Rebecca

    Ian, my hope for you is that by Lucy getting everything first, she will build up an immunity and then will cease to get the viruses running around the preschool, thus saving you from them. Of course, maybe it doesn’t work that way, I don’t know. Neva?
    We do a lot of hand washing and purelling (new verb?) at this house, but we still get stuff. Henry threw up at 4 am and then tried to clean it up himself. I probably needed to call a HazMat team, but I managed to clean it all without waking the whole house. Of course, 5 hours later, he’s fine, but now I’m waiting to see who else gets it.
    Aging sucks. Ther’s no polite way to say it. I need to have my knee fixed, I have a cavernous hemangioma on my liver that gets bigger every 6 months when I have an ultrasound, and next week I get to have an MRI on my brain because I’ve been feeling pressure and thumping in my skull. That all started when I cracked my scalp open on Easter and thought I had killed myself a la Natasha Richardson. Good times! Next stop, Psychiatrist!

  8. Rebecca

    Shit. You need a function like Facebook where you can go back and delete your post. TMI, Rebecca!
    Ian, I hope you are better and can enjoy the long weekend, your birthday and the festivities surrounding it. The weather looks pretty good in NY!
    Laurie – SO sorry about Jack!

  9. kate

    Aw, LFMD, I’m so sorry about Jack. My dog’s 13 this year, and I dread thinking of her day inevitably coming. Like you said, she’s more loved by me than alot of people in my life, and it’s devastating to think of life without her. Sending good thoughts your way.
    Ian… yikes! Feel better soon!

  10. Caroline

    Laurie – I am so sorry about your dog. I had to put a much beloved cat to sleep years ago and it’s still the hardest thing I ever did but I know it was the right thing. If I really think about it I still get all weepy but mostly when I think of him I think of all the cute and quirky things he did that made me so happy for years. I still have dreams about him – he must have had quite a role in my early development because he always does the same thing in my dreams: saves me from someone bad. (Not in a weird human way. My dream is always really similar, I’m running away from someone who terrifies me and my beloved kitty darts out from nowhere and I am so excited amidst my panic that I run after him and in my chasing after him I lose the people chasing me. I always catch him, am able to give him a few pats and hugs and tell him how much I love him and miss him and then I realize that he has led me somewhere safe. It’s really sweet, I think. And I always wake up feeling like I actually got to spend some time with him.) So, my wish for you is that Jack becomes your super hero dream doggie. And remind yourself that by putting poor Jack out of his misery you are giving him a gift that many people don’t give their own human relatives: peace. God bless you both.

  11. Bozoette Mary

    Argh! I’m so sorry you’re ill, Ian. I know slightly how you feel; I’ve been fighting flus and inner ear disorders and bronchitis and colds all goddamn winter. Get well soon. And LMFD, I’m so sorry about your beloved dog.

  12. Salem's Little Sister

    Caroline, that sounds like the best dream. What a gift and I love the “super hero dream doggie” image.
    Still thinking about you LFMD.

  13. Summer

    So when exactly will you start believing the wisdom of countless humans on the planet since the beginning of time, and take at least a teaspoon (up to 3) of Bragg’s apple cider vinegar each day to make your body slightly acidic instead of alkaline and therefore inhospitable to germs??
    It fights colds and flu. It fights staph and MRSA. It improves digestion and metabolism. It prevents (and some say cures) arthiritis and bursitis.
    Drink it in hot water with a teaspoon of honey at each meal. It’s delicious.
    When? WHEN? It says right on the bottle: Hippocrates drank it.

  14. kjf

    LFMD – there are no words to get you through the loss of a pet. it just sucks. i remember reading ian’s post when chopes went to doggy heaven and i remember it was just beautiful – maybe worth another read.
    Ian – you need to find someone at a teaching hospital to take a good look at you. you need a work up because you just get sick too often and it is not a good scene. dept of allergy and immunology perhaps? not sure what kind of doc to look at but you need a work up and the best place for you is a teaching hospital. feel better.

  15. Helen Jane

    The anger that comes with a seemingly never ending sickness is particular indeed.
    (I bet the Germans have a word for it.)
    I just came off of 10 brutal weeks of morning sickness and was so angry by the end of it (yes blah blah elated and overjoyed blah) that I was kicking furniture.
    Stay well! And Laurie — so sorry about your dog. My sincere condolences.

  16. Joanna

    Sing it sister, Summer! Vinegar, if taken with each meal, also helps with digestion and absorption. I ask you this, have the great MDs been working for you? How about trying a different approach? Anyway, I hope you’re feeling a million times better and that your next report is of a fantastic weekend.
    I’m wishing you peace, Laurie.

  17. Schultz

    sorry Ian…..that sounds awful.
    misery must love company because two weeks ago I got full blown strep throat. well….I didn’t get to the doctor fast enough and despite a horse sized penicillin injection I now have had full blown scarlet fever for a week. I look like an oversized and overcooked lobster.
    regardless, I would not trade this for your issues. please get well soon!
    LFMD so sorry about Jack. sucks

  18. Claverack Weekender

    I know nothing about you, really, but I’d recommend keeping a food log and taking it to a dietician before seeing a doctor. The food you eat drives the rest of the chemistry…

  19. LFMD

    Thanks for your kind words, everyone. You folks are the best. Jack was put down on the 23rd. In the end, my husband and daughter could not deal with the inevitable, so it was up to me to take Jack to the vet while they were out of the house, stay with him when he had his final shot, wrap him up, drive him home, and bury him in our backyard. I am not emotionally stable on a good day, and I was not sure I could do it, but I did. I wanted to do right by Jack. It was oddly comforting to see him at peace, and he is buried next to a forsythia hedge in the yard, next to a bed of irises.
    The night before, we had a cook out for him. Just me, Tim, Helen and Jack. We let him eat a hamburger, hot dog, ice cream. . . he was so happy! He said his goodbyes to some of his favorite neighbors, and we watched the Dog Whisperer in the family room, Tim took him for one last walk on the street, then went to bed.
    We loved him, and he loved us right back.
    Hope that you are feeling better, Ian, so that you can enjoy your Jartacular and your birthday! Be well, my friend!

  20. Claudia

    LFMD, I’m so, so sorry about your loss. You gave Jack a beautiful farewell. He was lucky to be in your family.
    Ian, I’m glad you’re feeling better. What a sucky, sucky illness.


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