Before we all wax yuletide about the holidays, can we approach the subject of the leg-melting would-be Underoos terrorist airline bomber? Let me get this straight… a dude gets on a plane in Nigeria and makes his way to Amsterdam with bomb parts from Yemen. He flies Northwest (or “Northworst”, as my US Air friends called it) into Detroit, tries to light some shit tied to his leg, and winds up getting tackled by a handsome young lad in his row.
In response, airlines are making draconian safety rules that may include (but are not limited to) making you sit in your seat for the last hour of the flight with nothing in your lap, getting rogered up the bum-bum by a Doberman Pinscher at every airport, and possibly banning all electronics.
I’m sorry, but these measures the day after a foiled attack is a bit like the old saw about the barn door, is it not? Here are my concerns, since I have to fly all the frickin’ time:
• That airport in Lagos, Nigeria has been marked as shitty since I was high school. The security at the Lagos Airport consists of a Xerox machine and a bunch of hamsters. Why do major European hubs keep allowing planes from Nigeria to land?
• Are they seriously going to keep people from going to the bathroom during the last hour of flight? Forget the passengers barfing on each other; I guarantee you that a burst bladder and a lawsuit will change that stupid-ass rule in a hurry.
• Are they also saying my mom can’t listen to her podcast of “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” when she’s within an hour of her layover at Dallas-Fort Worth? How the hell is that making us more safe?
• How the blistering monsterfuck did this guy get all those explosives onto the plane? Isn’t that proof that security all over the world completely sucks? All those millions of shoes being taken off, those tiny lotions shoved into Ziploc bags, the wedding rings jostling at the bottom of gray bins, and the mothers being forced to drink their own breast milk… and this shithead can still walk onto a plane with liquid accelerant?
Just when you thought flying couldn’t possibly suck more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still the killer app of travel – until we get China’s Fastest Train in the World, an airplane getting us from NYC to LA in five hours is still a miracle. But it’s a miracle that now comes with major lumbar support problems.