on golden blonde


Sure, technology is always getting better, faster, smaller and easier… but in the transition, there are a few valuable skills that are inevitably lost. There are some of you who could re-roll the ink ribbon on a typewriter; that skill is now unnecessary. There are many of you who could make the perfect 90-minute mix tape, with each side ending exactly at 45 minutes according to mood; your services will no longer be needed. Calling all calligraphers: your epoch has passed.

But there’s one skill set I’ll miss most of all. Y’see, long before movies were stored as binary forms on distant hard drives, they used to be kept on clunky plastic VHS tapes that could be played in your VCR. Each tape came with a sticky label, where you could scrawl the title of the video inside. So I’d like to present to you a special treat from me and The Budsterâ„¢ circa 1991:

The Top Ten Handwritten Labels to Give Your VHS Videotapes So Nobody Will Watch Them and Find Out They’re Actually Porn

10. Montana vs. Boise State, Big Sky Conference Women’s Hoops Quarterfinal

9. Norma Rae

8. Taconic High School Presents “Crazy For You!”

7. Golfing Left-Handed, Lesson VI: Approaching the Green

6. Conversational Welsh

5. Getting to Know Your 1988 Jeep Cherokee

4. Pittsboro Town Council Minutes (tape 5 of 7)

3. Snails! Our Slow Gastropod Neighbors

2. “Charles in Charge” season 2 (partial)

1. Agnes of God


0 thoughts on “on golden blonde

  1. Lara

    Love the title of this post. And as a 1993 “media arts” graduate (whatever that means), I would also like to offer my services splicing audio and video tape.

  2. cate

    gotta say, i might have popped in the gastropod tape, if only while functionally impaired. also, calligraphers have not gone away. anyone battling the weddings-industrial complex could tell you that. you know how much they charge per envelope now? ian, if the waters of your hollywood career ever dry up, pick up your calligraphy pen again. martha stewart will be happy to pimp you out.

  3. GFWD

    HI-fucking-LARIOUS. Conversational Welsh is still making me giggle.
    I don’t think you had to rub salt in my wounds, however, by blaring to the world once again that my mixed tape prowess is no longer needed. Though the demand for that skill set likely jumped the shark in 1994, I continued to ply my trade through August of 2000 before fully embracing the mixed CD. The mixed CD jumped the shark in 2004 with the procurement of my first iPod.
    The kids today will never truly appreciate the satisfaction of hearing the tape click off two beats after the last note of a perfect closing song.

  4. tbruns

    You know it had to be done:
    Bountiful Christy Canyon plays Alice, an extremely horny woman who dies during her morning jog in a bra-less tanktop. She is greeted at the Heavenly gates by a man who informs her it isn’t her time, and that a mistake has been made. She is livid. He takes her on a journey, temporarily placing her into bodies of such blondes as Ginger Lynn and Gina Carrera, until he can find the right receptacle. Alice is displeased each time to be placed into a blonde, as she is a blonde-hater. She is finally placed into a blonde and comatose Chanel Lindsey, who isn’t comatose for long. Really bad acting, but still funny at times, “On Golden Blonde” is one of the best adult-comedies for its time. My rating: 8 out of 10

  5. eric g.

    “NCAA Championship Games: 1967 (UCLA 78, UNC 55), 1977 (Marquette 67, UNC 59) and 1981 (Indiana 63, UNC 50)”
    “Billy Packer’s Greatest Calls, Volume 23”
    “Christian Laettner and Brian Davis, Friends 4EvR: The Complete First Season (Uncensored)”

  6. Anon

    And here I thought I was the only one that did this. ; )
    Mine were a subtle tip to the porn’s title, without enticing anyone to actually want to watch it, ie: (not real examples) ‘Deep Throat’ would become ‘Throat Singing From Peru’, “Nothing But Screamers” would be “Screaming Trees on MTV” and “Beyond the Green Door” would become ‘Shecky Green’s Friars Roast in Vegas: 1972’.
    The only time it ever got dicey was when my wife and I were purging a bunch of old media in the basement and I had to justify keeping old VHS tapes with such obscure titles. “C’mon Jack, when are you EVER going to watch Dallas Cowboys vs. Miami Dolphins 1987 again???” “You never know, honey.”


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