move a bit to your left

3/11/10

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Well, this blog just writes itself, don’t it? I’ll go along with the suggestions mentioned yesterday:

How often (times per week or month or year) do you have sex, as you define it?

What are you and your partner’s ages, and how long have you been together?

What does it lack, and what do you want? (be as specific or graphic as necessary)

What is awesome?

I’ll ask that everyone go with anonymous animal names, and be truthful with yourselves… write what actually happens, not what you wish would happen, or what in reality happens very rarely. Hopefully this can go beyond titillating and actually be educational, as these sorts of queries – however informal – are notoriously hard to pull off.

Remember to put zebra@zebra.com (or whatever you choose to be) in the “email” field as well. Okay, get it off your chest! (as it were)

31 thoughts on “move a bit to your left

  1. Cougar

    Well good gosh–I *had* to go there, dontcha know!
    *Ahem* So, anyway, I am no longer partnered, but my most recent relationship’s end hinged very specifically on sex. His pattern was well-known to him–developing kind of a half-madonna/whore complex–just the madonna part. His desire had always faded in direct proportion to the love and investment in the relationship. The more special and beloved the woman, the more difficult to access raw sexual desire.
    Anyway, this of course should have been seen coming in our relationship miles away, and I did make the typical attempts to communicate about it and head it off at the pass, but of course one cannot deal with another person’s issues for them. I feel very angry and sad these days that our love was lost because of his unwillingness to deal.
    The upshot is that I am enjoying the best sex of my life without a relationship. Only able to work out logistics a couple of times a week to get with my favorite lover, who rocks my WORLD. I confess though that despite fun free sex I feel the absence of love and companionship with sharp pain daily. And I would prefer to have the sex I am having once or twice a week every day instead. But I’m not going to shake my fist at a god who is finally letting at least a little bit of manna fall my way.
    I just want MORE.

    Reply
  2. hippo

    I’m the gal. We’re between 30-50 (yeah, I know, very vague), 2 kids, been together over a decade, married for most of it. Pretty happily, married, too. My job is busier and pays more; he is home more with the kid and is the primary caregiver and homemaker.
    Sex (or lack thereof) used to be a huge issue in our relationship. We started out mostly hot and heavy, though, honestly, he was never as great a lover as some others I’ve been with. And I have never been as attracted to him as I wished I would be. It’d help if he took better care of himself, I think. (He only knows the last little bit, and only a tiny bit. Never told him the rest because I do love him.)
    I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m on an SSRI. Tried mixing it with wellbutrin but for nothing.
    He also has problems maintaining an erection and actually having an orgasm. So that takes some of the fun out of it for both of us (though he’d be okay with having lots of sex and not coming).
    Now, I guess, he’s mostly given up. We have sex more often on vacation. It helps when we (sad but true) watch a nice romantic comedy first. We hardly ever go out just the two of us, but we do have great and sweet moments throughout many days. He used to try to initiate sex more often but not so much anymore. I know he’d like more.
    So, maybe we have sex about once a month. It tends to go in phases.
    The sad thing is, I’d really like to have sex more often, too. Just not with him. (I doubt we could sustain a non-monogamous relationship; he’s built for monogamy, and I guess I’m not. Then again, I’m not sure if I could actually have another partner who I didn’t fall for.) I have really sexual dreams and sometimes fantasize… and not usually about him. I really crave sex and sexual intimacy. He’s just so loyal… as I write this, I feel I hardly deserve it.
    His dad left his mom when the kids were all grown up and out of the house. I worry sometimes he’ll repeat the pattern. But I’m pretty committed not to divorcing (which I don’t want anyway), because I can’t think of anything worse for my kids. Or me, really.
    Isn’t this all so sad and pathetic? Don’t I sound like a terrible wife? Though I will say he mostly knew what he was getting when we married, because this pattern was already established then.
    I am starting to take better care of myself physically, and I’m hoping that helps. I hope to go off this SSRI eventually.
    The relationship gods may very well strike me down for writing all this. It feels like a betrayal.
    Though now I’ll go dig out that KY warming jelly I bought a while ago, and see if it works, in which case I’ll go screw my husband.
    Because what is awesome is when we do manage to get it together and have sex. Nothing in particular. Just the closeness of fun of it all.

    Reply
  3. Fucky the Squirrel

    Twice a month.
    I’m 42; she’s 38. Having our tenth anniversary this year.
    She’s let her body become obese to the point of turning me off in bed. I dream of women with American Gladiator physiques. She has also become even more of a night owl than before, while I’ve become more of a morning person. Sometimes I get up at 5:30 to exercise before going to work, and she hasn’t come to bed yet, having spent all night on the computer. She doesn’t work outside the home, and I’m starting to drink a bit more than I should, to cope with things. The biggest strain is having a special needs toddler who will require special care all her life. The kid can’t talk and has no impulse control and will not stop doing naughty things unless physically restrained. And that is likely to keep happening…for the next ten years or more.
    I want my partner to be buff and to take care of herself and to be sexy. I wouldn’t mind if she worked outside the home, didn’t strain our budget by not contributing to the income, and to do her own laundry before it becomes a mountain and home for squiggly bugs. I want our kid to be normal.
    What’s awesome? She’s incredibly warm and thoughtful and admires the same things about me that I admire about myself. She’ll surprise me by bringing me breakfast in bed or some thing I’ve been talking about wanting to get or having an amazing dinner made on an ordinary day, just because. I do similar things for her. And she can listen. It’s said that men communicate to solve problems while women communicate the way monkeys groom each other, and that causes rifts between the genders. My lady communicates to solve problems. She also appreciates flatulence jokes. She must be part boy.
    Stuff like that makes all the rest of it worth it, in the big picture.

    Reply
  4. anon-o-moose

    She wants sex 2-3 times a week. I want it daily. We’re both creative and open-minded sexually, so we both get what we want.
    We’re both GenX. She’s several years older than me, past menopause now. She was too old for kids when we first started dating 10 years ago. I never wanted kids so this is the perfect relationship I always dreamed about but never believed could happen.
    What does it lack? Nothing. I wished she liked sex at night, or liked to swallow, but those are trivial.
    What’s awesome? Sex for us is an ongoing exploration with the goal of pleasing each other as much as possible. Mainly SHE’S awesome. I’m not particularly religious, but I thank God for her regularly.

    Reply
  5. ramses

    Married. Two kids. 40s. I’m the girl.
    Once a week at best. Likely more like twice a month. This is a source of some underlying conflict because I wish he would try more (I even asked if he was gay once because I couldn’t believe he didn’t want more). He has always had the least sex drive of any of the men I’ve known – even before we got married.
    It’s pretty good when it happens although I’m only about 50% likely to have any climax and never through intercourse. He seems to be a meat and potatoes kind of guy although oral sex does happen fairly regularly for both of us. I really enjoy the intimacy and always wish sex happened more often after wards. I find it very hard to talk about or ask for what I want.

    Reply
  6. sour puss

    Married, both in our 30’s, married for 9 together for 12, 1 kid.
    About once every two weeks, but lots more on vacation especially when it’s just us. I have a hard time letting “go” with the kid right across the hall. We are pretty vanilla, but I used to be very adventurous before him. I’m all he knows, so if I ever want to suggest something, I imagine he’s imagining where I learned that and who with, so I just don’t. I know he wants more it more often, but I just don’t have a huge drive. Maybe it’s birth control pills? I wish I wanted it more, but I could go for weeks without it and I do love my hubby and find him very attractive. It’s been like this since the kid was born. Poor hubby. I need to buck up because if I ever lost him because of this, I’d never find a better man for me. Somebody’s getting laid tonight . . .

    Reply
  7. Taking Suggestions

    Married 10 years, together longer than that. Multiple kids. Both mid 30s. She’s fit, I’m fit.
    Sex 2 or 3 times a week. And once every couple of weeks or so we REALLY go at it. Those times in particular are incredible.
    What is awesome about sex: I’m incredibly attracted to her, physically.
    My problem: getting her to finish regularly. Once we start intercourse, I can go for several minutes. It just usually isn’t long enough for her. We’ve talked about it some and I’ve asked her to tell me (and show me) what she likes; she tells me she likes intercourse the best. I don’t think she’s frigid, and in fact in the past couple of years she has become a little more expressive during sex. Which has been great. She doesn’t like me to go down on her, which I’d gladly do.

    Reply
  8. Camel

    1. How often (times per week or month or year) do you have sex, as you define it?
    Give my husband BJ’s 2-4 times a week.
    Intercourse – probably 2-4 times a month. (Hence my animal name – two humps.) He wanted intercourse less once I learned how to give a decent BJ, and heck, BJ’s are easier and shorter. I don’t even have to get undressed.
    2. What are you and your partner’s ages, and how long have you been together?
    We’re mid-30s, been together about 4 years.
    3. What does it lack, and what do you want? (be as specific or graphic as necessary)
    To be honest, I just don’t bother trying to worry about my pleasure, because sex is going to be when HE’s in the mood, and so I’d rather get it over with than try to guide him so he hits the right areas of my vajayjay. And he is gonna be in the mood more than I am. So it becomes more about making him happy than dictating. It probably shouldn’t be this way, but it is. I just haven’t made my own needs a priority in that way. Maybe someday I’ll gently tell him more of what to do, but not for now.
    And I’d rather have a nice back or foot rub than sex anyway…of course, trying to get him to give me one is way hard. I give him rubs all the time though.
    3. What is awesome?
    This blog, and hot fudge.

    Reply
  9. GFWD

    I’m with LFMD, the only other non-anonymous poster thus far. This is shaping up to be your “most awesomest” post ever. I just reserve my right to strenuously object if someone says they are getting sex every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

    Reply
  10. lynx

    17 years, 2 small kids, In our forties, He’s 2 yrs older.
    Sadly, almost never.
    He said he was so tired of my rejection that he gave up initiating. My attempts at initiation are completely ignored because they’re just too subtle for him. I can’t do it any other way. So now I feel rejected, too.
    It’s not working.
    Why was I rejecting him? Exhaustion? Anger at the fact that he wasn’t pulling his weight when the kids were tiny and was being belligerent about my complaints on that issue? I was just mad. We went to counseling and I have tried to put it behind me. I have never gotten an apology over it which didn’t also include a “but” clause placing blame on me or my expectations. That hurts.
    I respect and admire him and I think he’s handsome with a great personality. He does “social” VERY well, but has a painful blind spot in emotional intimacy. I care deeply for him, but the word love is hard to use these days. What is love, really? Although he thinks I ‘m hot, I don’t think he values the person I am; therefore, I don’t feel desired on any level.
    We “get some” when we get away without the kids, but without family who can take the kids, a tight budget and busy work schedules. that happens o-so-rarely. He falls asleep while putting the kids to bed, or is working on his laptop or phone all night. Or, I am on conference calls some evenings, which is an unfortunate necessity of my job. When he has a rare free night, he asks me if I plan on falling asleep, which translates to — “if you’re not going to be awake past ten, can I go out with Da Boys? ” Is he really that clueless? The kids routine is over at 9 and then there is clean up…
    I am trying to work on it. But it’s getting worse. We’re generally civil and pleasant to each other, but this is not the way to live or love….

    Reply
  11. Bengal

    Married more than five years, together less than 15 with multiple kids. Me mid-40’s, her late-30’s. Her body has only gotten worse over the years. She has zero interest in sex and, unless I initiate, there is precious little intimacy of any kind. On the extremely rare occcasions we have sex, she kind of just lays there taking no initiative and sparking no excitement in me. Because she rejects my advances, I do not pursue anymore. I fully recognize I don’t wine and dine but neither of us have time for all the rituals we enjoyed during our courtship. She doesn’t do anything to spice it up either–no lingerie no sexy stuff of any kind. Frumpy PJ’s don’t really do it for me. I love oral sex, especially giving, but she could take it or leave it.
    Aside from the lack of sex, she’s a wonderful mother, caring friend and willing accomplice for any kind of adventure. She’s smart and funny and loyal. I love her but fear that I may no longer be in love with her. Was recently tempted by the fruit of another and actually plucked that apple. I shouldn’t have for all the many good reasons, but now I know what I am missing and I wonder if staying together just for the kids is worth it. Statistically still have half of my life to live. Am I wrong to put that much emphasis on the sex aspect of it?

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  12. Frogger

    How often (times per week or month or year) do you have sex, as you define it?
    It’s amazing how much it varies. It can go from multiple times per week, to once a month.
    If anything, it is consistenly inconsistent, and that’s not a healthy thing, since I am, by instinct and natural proclivity, a chaser of skirt.
    What are you and your partner’s ages, and how long have you been together?
    We are both in our late 30’s, married 9 years, 2.2 kids (give or take a fraction of a kid) and a dog.
    What does it lack, and what do you want? (be as specific or graphic as necessary)
    Being honest? Hell, I’d love to have multiple partners, crazy circus sex, props, stripper poles, the works.
    As it were, I will have to rely on the occcaisonal pilgrimage to a NYC gentlemen’s club to stratch that itch.
    What is awesome?
    It is an adjective, meaning expressive of awe. Oh, wait. Never mind.

    Reply
  13. hawk

    maybe 8 times a year.
    Married 5, together 7
    me – male 39, her – 30
    Prior to marriage, we had sex three – four times a week over the course of two years. Approximately three months after marriage, sex was down to twice a month. A year later, down to our current rate. It really pissed me off and I felt completely rejected, angry, and betrayed, all of which eventually moved in the direction of self-loathing and loss of confidence. Luckily, after a couple of years, we just sat down and talked about it. She just lost interest in sex, she can’t explain it. I don’t think she is completely honest, as I believe that although I am still in decent shape, I think she just is not as attractive to me as a “married man” as she was pre-marriage. Oddly enough, I give her orgasms way more often than we have intercourse but she is usually spent afterwards.
    What would I like? At least twice a week and with some variety in positions, locations, etc. Maybe some anal on special occasions? Also, a BJ ever now and then would be nice especially if she would finish the job.
    Oddly, enough once I managed to get past the idea that I was going to get sex (which took a long time) the lack of sex is not near the issue it used to be. A little porn in the morning before she wakes up, a “good” shower, and I’m off and ready for the day.
    All of that being said, I can’t imagine being with another person. She is the most incredible person I know. While I fantasize about the girl at the bar or the secretary at work, the idea of actually pulling the trigger and cheating never crosses my mind.

    Reply
  14. carrotrope

    What I’d be super interested to know is if this group is remotely representative. I wonder specifically how much more likely people who aren’t satisfied with their sex life and can’t express this to their partners are to comment.
    And for the record: Mid-thirties, two kids. Married for ten, together for 13. I’m the manchild, and I’m a year-and-a-half older. Sex once or twice a week, which is as much as we can reasonably do it with kids aged two and six and an unemployed massage therapist sister-in-law who NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE. Sex is relatively vanilla, but satisfying for me and, I’m told, for her. (Which I’m inclined to believe because she’s a hilariously ineffective actor/liar.)

    Reply
  15. SlutPussy

    About twice a month.
    Early 40s, together for 12 years, married for 10.
    Sex is vanilla missionary; he comes and it’s over. I used to be able to come easily during intercourse, but no longer. He needs manual stimulation for about 5 minutes in order to achieve an erection. He doesn’t take care of himself physically, which has a negative effect on our sex life and frustrates me. Missionary is the only position that’s comfortable for him and reliably brings him to orgasm. I’m the only lover he’s ever had. I haven’t had scores of lovers, but am significantly more sexually experienced and comfortable with sex than he is. When we first got together, I thought he’d become more relaxed, open, and skilled in bed, but that hasn’t happened.
    I would prefer to have sex once or twice a week. I like different positions, and can come more easily that way. I like good, hard, physical sex and am a bit of a size queen. I have toys with which I achieve the sort of mind-blowing orgasms that I’ve never had while in bed with another person.
    Last year I got frustrated and had two hookups off Craigslist for some satisfying, impersonal sex. I’d always fantasized about being with a guy of another race and wanted to do it before I got any older. I wouldn’t mind having a lover on the side to get together with about once a month, but have been feeling sexually complacent lately. As I’ve gotten older, I feel like I’ve become more like a guy in my ability to separate sex from love.
    I still find my husband attractive and desirable. I love him, enjoy his company, and am happy to have him as my life partner. The sex situation is not a deal-breaker for me.

    Reply
  16. FoxFur

    We have sex about 7 or 8 times a month. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 7, have two kids. I’m in my 40s, she’s in her mid-30s.
    I was a bit of a hound earlier, and stumbled into monogamy, so my sexual appetites were pretty well quelled. I would say that I initiate 70% of the time, and very often it takes the first ten minutes for her to remember how much she enjoys the whole thing. She almost always remembers, though, and when she’s initiated, she goes in remembering.
    The key to sexual happiness is to keep the resentment level very low, I think. Neither one of us is all that “hot”, but since we both do the little things that the other one wants us to do, it has become really easy for us to trust the other one to take care of us sexually.
    We actually do give the foot rub with no ulterior motive. We unload the dishwasher, take care of the kids, etc., and I know that I do it because it builds a sense of trust. She knows that I’m taking care of her, and it makes it more likely that she’ll either initiate or follow through, and that when we’re actually in the act, it’s much easier for her to climax because she knows I’m willing to put in the time.
    If I had to guess, I would say that she might not be as happy as I am. She doesn’t have the wealth of sexual experience I have to draw on, and I’m sure her mind wanders to what else might be out there. I’ve seen what else is out there, I’ve had a blow job while driving a car, I’ve screwed a girl on the side of a public road in the Redwoods, and it was just never all that impressive.
    Thank God I’m getting old, though, and that I did all this stuff when I was a kid. I feel really bad for people who hit forty and realize they’re never gonna give analingus to a high school cheerleader…

    Reply
  17. GFWD

    “Ramsgate Ladies”, “Bub’s Bartender”, “Fellow Senior Class Marshall”, if any of you are “SlutPussy” and had that fantasy about a man from another race and passed on that chance back in college during the long stretches of time when I was single, big mistake. Huge. I’m just saying, I could have helped you out.
    Camel, BJ’s 2-4 times a week? I think I speak for all red-blooded male readers, anonymous or not, if we were Mr. Camel, you’d never have to do another chore around the house for the rest of your life. Ever.

    Reply
  18. Camel

    GFWD, but BJ’s are so easy! Do most men only take like 10 minutes or less to, er, ‘finish’, as my hubby does? Because maybe my husband is easy about it… If it took an hour to give him one then I probably wouldn’t do it as often. But ya know, he finishes up in like 10 min and goes to sleep, and then I get to go to sleep too.
    Foxfur, you write, “I feel really bad for people who hit forty and realize they’re never gonna give analingus to a high school cheerleader…”
    EWWW, sticking your tongue where someone poops? I don’t feel bad for anyone who hits 40 and misses out on that. But then again, I’m a girl, and I think we’re a little more into the hygiene aspect. Remember, boys, don’t put anything in that back area and then put the same thing in the front area. Transferring bacteria to the holiest of holy holes is not a good thing.

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  19. anon o'squirrel

    My situation is similar to anon-o-moose (hope you don’t mind I stole your name idea). Married 4 years, together 5 years before that. I’m 43, she’s 46 (although she looks at least 10 years younger). No kids and not planning to have any.
    I have some kind of sex with her almost every day, but she only wants to be pleasured and/or fucked (can I say that?) twice a week, usually a lazy weekend morning and whatever weeknight we don’t go to the gym. We know each others’ favorite things and we try new stuff too. My favorites change, hers has always been receiving oral (with fingers and roving hands) on her back for 20-30 minutes or more. I keep going until she tells me to stop for the 2nd or 3rd time. Remember guys: most women don’t climax from intercourse! She does love intercourse anyway and likes the “spank me/choke me/pull my hair” variety. That’s been consistent over the 7 years we’ve lived together.
    Maybe this is TMI, but a lot of the sex is unconventional. About once a week she gives me a BJ all the way. Most other mornings, she holds me (with her hands or feet or in her mouth) and I do at least most of the work until I release. Sometimes we spoon 69 with her grinding my face. Sometimes she talks dirty to me while I snuggle her and I touch myself. TMI, right?
    These sessions take 5-15 minutes and like GFWD said, afterwards I just want to do nice things for her! I ask her out on a date at least once a week (usually just dinner, but sometimes a surprise concert or whatever). I give her neck/back/foot rubs most days (she puts her feet on my lap while we’re watching TV and I start rubbing). I try to do my share of the housework but I know I don’t do enough. I’m pretty handy though (plumbing, electrical, a little repair carpentry) so hopefully it balances out. She makes a lot more money than I do, which I expected to be a problem, but it hasn’t been.
    She does regret not having kids sometimes (I don’t) but she doesn’t dwell on it. Other than that, nothing’s lacking and everything’s awesome.
    Advice I’d give: stay fit, keep it honest, harmonious and cheerful, say what you like/want and most important: “ask not what your partner can do for you. Ask what you can do for your partner.” It becomes a cycle of reciprocal giving or at least under ideal conditions it can.
    To carrotrope’s point, I probably wouldn’t be writing this if I was home, but I had to travel for work this week and am really looking forward to being home tonight!

    Reply
  20. parrot

    How often (times per week or month or year) do you have sex, as you define it?
    Typically about 6 times a month, but we can have 2-week long dry spells or have sex 7 or 8 days in a row.
    What are you and your partner’s ages, and how long have you been together?
    I’m 25, he’s 27, and we’ve been together 5 years. Living together for the last 3 but not married.
    What does it lack, and what do you want?
    It lacks consistency, and we lack energy. Our work schedules are totally opposite and then flip for the summer. From our sex life, I don’t want anything physically different but more frequency would be great. I’m a little worried that we’re “in the prime of our lives” with relatively few stresses – no mortgage, no kids, steady jobs in an unstable area – and still manage to go 2 weeks without having sex.
    What is awesome?
    He’s hot. Really hot. Like, he’s better looking than most top-tier hottie actors. And the sex is really good.
    Side note: it took me longer to pick an animal name than to write the whole comment. Weird.

    Reply
  21. aardvark

    I am 42 and she is 42 as well. We have been together for 15 years and have two teenage children
    We usually have sex about twice a month which will sometimes include all out hotel sex. Both of us are fit and she’s really sexy when she wants to be (victoria secret etc..) Orgasms are consistent for both however she’s not big on giving blow jobs. I don’t really care, I prefer the intimacy of full on intercourse anyway.
    Our sex drives have switched over the years, sometimes she initiates sometime it’s me. Occasionally we indulge in fantasy play or what have you and it works.
    My only hang up and she’s not even aware it’s a hang up (and trust me it’s not during sex) is she will mention how hot Denzel Washington or Tae Diggs is and murmur something about hottie chocolatie.. I don’t know
    Honestly what is truly awesome and the best Aphrodiasic is that look of desire she has for you when she looks at you from across the room..and you know that she’s getting wet and you know that in a few minutes you’ll banging each other’s brains out…Oh yeah!!

    Reply
  22. Woodchuck

    Ok, shameless plug…
    I’m a longtime daily reader and lurker. I’ve never posted until now – as I’ve explained to Ian, it’s the same reason why I have never played fantasy sports. My type-A side would go all in. So I’m happy to lurk. It’s been interesting to get to know many of you (and many of you I already know).
    Anyway, my sister wrote a book that some of you might find interesting. Long story short she surprised my brother-in-law with a 40th birthday “gift.”
    http://www.amazon.com/365-Nights-Intimacy-Charla-Muller/dp/0425222578
    The basic premise is she decided to make their sex life a priority – so sex every day for a year (give or take a few off days for travel or other issues). For those looking for “details” – well, there aren’t many. Just a lot of euphemisms for “it.” At its heart it’s a relationship book – with many an anecdote on my sister’s life as southern, married, working mom of two kids trying to fit everything in – including sex with her husband. It’s a pretty quick, breezy read with some (I think) really good practical advice. It also made her a minor celeb for a while (Oprah, Today show, The View, etc. + many a book club. She was the hero of many a 39 year old husband…and bane of their wives). I has been an interesting two+ years for her since.
    Again, please forgive the shameless plug (though I think it is apropos of the topic).

    Reply
  23. Hermit crab

    Husband and I both in early 40s. Married for 15 years, together 18. Both work full-time, 2 kids.
    When we first met, he was a virgin. I had had one prior sexual partner. Then we married. In the beginning, we would have sex every day, sometimes a few times a day. Now, it is once a week at best, once a month at worst.
    Husband is an excellent lover. He wants sex at least once a week. I am just not interested. I do not have problems having orgasms. . . . I am just not interested. Sex is not the big deal for me that it used to be. I can take it or leave it. To put it in blunt, everyday terms, more frequent sex means more frequent loads of laundry for me to do. I’d rather read a good book and get a good night sleep on clean sheets.
    We have argued over our different needs/expectations for years. Lately, I have been having sex to get it over with and shut him up. He would rather take the time for an enjoyable experience/foreplay. How is that for a role reversal?
    I suppose that my disinterest stems from various issues: I am tired, am 50 lbs heavier than I was when we married (which does not seem to affect my husband’s interest, to my surprise), and I don’t feel like the sexual person I used to be. I am a busy, harried, working mother.
    I feel sorry for my husband. He is handsome, a generous lover. . . .I feel badly that his only sexual partner has been ME. He is still at his wedding weight, is charming, and when I go to work functions with him, I can see the other women giving him the eye. I know that if I were smart, I would get over myself, just have sex more often (which I enjoy when it happens), and preempt my husband from moving on to an affair or worse. Seems simple, doesn’t it? Apparently it isn’t. And yes, I am on anti-depressants.
    Perhaps my motto for the year should be JUST DO IT. I would be devastated if husband, after years of sexual rejection, moved out of the marriage and on to another woman. And, I would not blame him.

    Reply
  24. Hermit crab

    WHAT THE HELL!!!!! I just bothered to read all of the posts, and I think that WOODCHUCK may have just saved my marriage. I am all about self-help books, and I just ordered Woodchuck’s sister’s book. I had to laugh when I saw that one of the books also recommended on Amazon was called JUST DO IT. Duh. I could have had a book deal.
    Woodchuck, thanks for the NOT shameless plug. I am looking forward to that little Amazon book coming in the mail.

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  25. Meerkat Manor

    Wow, this blog is saving marriages.
    I was thinking about Makoshark today and something occurred to me. You said that the only reason your relationship improved – slightly – is that you were going to leave, and she loves you and didn’t want the marriage to end. You could force counseling at some point. The problem is finding the right counselor who will listen to you both without overtly taking sides. The idea is that maybe she could help both of you please the other in more ways, instead of giving up. I wonder if it’s a possibility down the road.
    By the way, I am noticing that the male/female split seems pretty apparent regarding sex.

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  26. Macaw

    My husband and I are 38 and 40, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 4, one child.
    And we really hardly ever have sex anymore! We are both still in good shape, attractive and really do love each other. In fact we’re sexually affectionate all the time. Kissing, holding, nuzzling – but … the actual deed is always a negotiation. And I nearly always initiate. Even before we got married and had a kid his sex drive dropped off – at the time I kept wondering if it was me, something I was doing. He’d reassure me no no no… but still, I’d really like a little more than once a month, if that.
    What would I want – lust.. blind crazy-making lust. Either someone for me, me for someone else or, you know, both at the same time!
    But, what is awesome is better than the thrill of passionate sex – I mean, in the long run. I’ve had passionate, lusty sex before and it’s great in the moment, but moments pass. He is sexy, sweet, athletic, smart, talented, thoughtful, a great husband and even better father. I love coming home to him every day.

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  27. wildebeest

    It’s not just the male/female split — it seems the people most satisfied sexually are the ones with no kids. Hmm.

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  28. tiger

    recently divorced woman.
    should have read ‘passionate marriage’ before the divorce when I was working like a dog. worst frequency was 1-2x/month, but usually more like 3-8x/month depending on how intense work was. pretty vanilla, never talked about it, but was still fine & happy (for me) until he cheated & kept her in his life.
    the people more satisfied on this comment list take care of each other and themselves!! I’m starting to do that & am getting happier.

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  29. Ian

    I’m sorry… I’ve heard from a LOT of people today (in real life) about this entry, and while a few have said they find these comments depressing, I have to disagree. I’m actually finding them sympathetically cathartic, and I’ve actually been quite *moved* when reading them. It’s all very human and real, despite the construct and lack of identifiers. Again, I’m amazed by all of you, in so many ways.
    Most people have also said “I can’t wait to get home to read more of them” to which I respond “well, then YOU write YOURS, Anonymous Aardwolf!”

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  30. Camel

    Wildebeest – agree, but I couldn’t imagine not having kids someday. I know very very strongly that I want to (and have to) be a mommy. And I do think I can try to keep up our antics after baby is born. But maybe I’m naive.
    Ian – Amen. I’ve enjoyed reading them, and I also found that even though a lot of people wish things were different, they still are in love or happy. Others, maybe not. Maybe we all still think marriage is a fairy tale, but it still is the joining of two people who love each other but are not perfect, and will sometimes have different needs.
    Maybe a new post can be about solutions. What would make some of the women here want more sex? What would make the men happier besides cheating?

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  31. Young Buck

    Man, I thought the whole sex dropping off after marriage thing was a myth. I’m utterly terrified now. Me and my girlfriend get frustrated when we cannot find the time to have sex 2 or 3 times a DAY.
    -twenty-something lurker

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  32. wildebeest

    OK, after Ian’s comment I am back to answer the question honestly. Still mulling over whether having another kid would destroy our sex life.
    We have sex about once a week, but sometimes as infrequently as once a month. This has more to do with him than me; I think I have a stronger sex drive, but am OK with taking care of my needs myself. I’m his first partner and I often worry that he might be getting bored with me and my body, since the conventional wisdom is that men need variety.
    To want sex he has to be not stressed out, the kid has to be definitely sleeping, we have to be not totally exhausted, etc, we can’t be having a fight (contrary to stereotype, he doesn’t want make up sex after arguments) — so often the stars don’t align. Even when they do, if he is stressed he can’t come, then feels bad about it. Sometimes we set the alarm and get up early to have sex. He’s early 40’s, I’m mid-30’s. We’ve been together for about 15 years, married for nearly 10. One kid. We have a very equitable marriage and I never feel resentful on the home front.
    What do I want? I want him to talk dirty and also to give me compliments, to tell me I’m gorgeous and that he loves to fuck me. He is quite silent before and during sex so it’s hard for me to know if he likes something I’m doing. Also I’m curious about the “spank me/choke me/pull my hair” sex mentioned by anon-o-squirrel but have never done this. We never role play or dress up.
    What is awesome? Last year when we went car camping he pulled me into the car at night and we had urgent horny sex in the front seat. I like to swallow. He enjoys going down on me. He loves anal sex and we do this occasionally, usually when drunk. I’m willing since this turns him on so much, but it’s not my favorite. He has a great sense of humor and sometimes we get really silly in bed, I like it that we can laugh about it.

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  33. wildebeest

    Camel, yes things will change once the baby comes along. More than the physical changes though it’s the exhaustion, the fact that the baby nurses all the time, and the change in focus of your couplehood from each other to the baby.
    Though you were pretty clear that meeting his needs is a priority for you, and if quick blow jobs keep everyone happy then you’ll probably be fine.
    Young Buck, maybe you can be the exception that proves the rule, but how long have you and your girlfriend been together? I can almost guarantee you won’t be having sex 2-3 times a day indefinitely. Just the thought makes me tired.

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  34. Bonobo

    Both early 40s, married 10-15 years, multiple small children
    Have sex usually twice, sometimes once a week. Probably 5 times a week while dating (in school, no kids, no stress) and close to never when we had infants or in other times of extreme stress. What goes on in our lives always trickles down to our sex life. Early in our marriage, I asked him how often was often enough, and I’ve tried to make that happen when life is manageable. I know it’s healthy for our relationship and I always end up enjoying it even if I didn’t think I was in the mood.
    What’s awesome is in recent years we’ve become less inhibited. I tend toward some of the anon-o-squirrel kinkiness, but was not always comfortable admitting it and while he is more straight-laced, he seems to be embracing the variety. One of my past relationships included experimentation, but I never knew how much better that openness would be with a life partner.
    Another bonus is that he has remarkable endurance, persistence and manual dexterity, which serve me well. I don’t think monogamy is natural for anyone, but when I find myself imagining others, I know that while novelty is tempting, odds are someone else couldn’t do what he does for me. Not that I’d ever cheat anyway, but I guess I don’t think I’m missing much.
    What’s lacking is trivial. BUT, in my 20s I had a chance encounter while traveling with a guy who actually knew his way around the G spot and, my god! Long ago, I suggested exploring this with my husband, but I think that’s something you want a guy to master first with someone else or it can end up feeling like a clumsy gynecological exam. I also miss the spontaneity of our early relationship, but we’ve got kids, so for now it’s “date night.” As for what’s lacking for him, he’d probably say more is always better, but he’s still stoked with the status quo. He’d also like to win the battle of the dimmer switch, but since babies left my belly skin something only surgery could possibly repair, I can only handle a candlelight glow.

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  35. Camel

    Young Buck, it’s not just marriage…even horny guys like you will have trouble having intercourse to a climax 2-3 times a day when you get past a certain age, and I’m sure at least some of the men here would verify it. (And I”m not talking about the age of 65 or so…much earlier). Plus, health reasons can come into play that make it harder for you or the other person to climax, just stuff you don’t think about as much when you’re 20 and feel immortal. And do you guys work? How could you even fit in 2-3 times a day? I’m not trying to scare you, because I imagine that you will still have a VERY satisfying sex life as you get older – just not the 2-3 times a day you enjoy now. Heck, do you mastrubate as much as you did when you were 15? I doubt it. I just think the drive and the ability go down at least a little at some point.
    Wildebeest, I still really wanna know if most blow jobs take longer than the 10 minutes it takes my husband to, er, climax…I have nothing to compare it to. I don’t necessarily rush, but he just doesn’t take all that long. Can anyone answer this??? Maybe I am rushing and don’t realize it? He doesn’t complain, but it seems from reading these that a lot of people would rather not complain if it’s not a big issue.
    By the way, Wild, your sex life sounds pretty good, actually. I think there are plenty of people not into the role playing and dressing up. It just sounds more complicated than lusty, but I guess it could be interesting if both people are really on the same page. I think one party could get insulted, though, too.

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  36. Anonymous Aardvark

    Since you called me out, here goes:
    No sex anymore.
    Both around 40 and happily married for 10-15 years, 1 child.
    Due to health issues, intercourse became impossible a few years back. Prior to that, I think I resented the lack of frequency – she just wasn’t interested very often. After the surgery, I have come to terms with the physical impossibility and am much happier. We are still affectionate, intimate, and very much in love.

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  37. kittycat

    Mid-thirties female, single and never married.
    I’m pretty adventurous sexually, have a relatively high sex drive, and have had more fun with it than my straight-laced upbringing could have imagined.
    I’ve been lucky enough (in my opinion) to have had several monogamous relationships, some more “serious” than others. In the ones that were, I always wanted it more than he did. I’ve never had to “fake it”, which I’ve learned over the years is a bit unusual.
    There are several reasons I don’t want to get married, and I have to say some of those reasons have been repeatedly reinforced in these comments. Although, some of you “marrieds” are inspiring. Bravo!
    I’m reminded of a line of Big Mama’s in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, when she is talking to Maggie about Brick, and points to the bed and says,”When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are here, right here!”
    I’ve been lonely by myself, and I’ve been lonely in a relationship. I much prefer the former.

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  38. wildebeest

    Camel, since no one is answering your question, I think 10 mins would be on the quick side. But everyone’s different.

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  39. hotmama

    I agree with Ian, I’ve been moved by everyone’s honesty, albeit anonymously – moved enough to share mine.. Together for seven years – all the while, sex was amazing and plentiful. then came the baby. and my sex drive took a nose dive. which i have been told is quite common. poor hubby had to sit on his hands while I walked around the house with these huge breasts hanging out while I was nursing. then i stopped nursing. but the sex drive never really returned. his seems to be in over drive and he is constantly making comments about my lack of interest – in a joking way, but it immediately puts me on the defensive – and turns me off even MORE than before.
    Of course we are more exhausted with baby. but sometimes i fear that so much of my affection goes to baby, affection that used to be solely targeted at him. could it be that i only have so much to give and he gets less because now a large part of it is going elsewhere? sounds stupid but…a possibility?
    In terms of the sex – it happens once a week – give or take. i am more into it when i am drunk (is that sad?) or when i am feeling close to him – and then its more about the making love kind of sex ie i just want to be close to him and dont need him to be playing with all the bells and whistles..
    i dont think my lack of interest is about him. when i do notice i find someone else attractive – its more about me – the intrigue of someone new, wanting to be noticed, appreciated. and my husband does appreciate me – i am really spoiled on that front – but the intrigue – of something new – and learning someone… i mean, that’s something you only get once. please contradict me.

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  40. lioness

    Coming out of hiding after reading the whole thread –
    I want to add to the mix that, in our experience, having KIDS doesn’t cramp our sex life, but having babies sure did. Having so little time to ourselves, me feeling that “over-touched” feeling, all really led to some low points sexually. At those points, I wished he’d been more understanding and patient with me – as I was the one who wanted nothing to do with sex for all the reasons everyone’s mentioned (breastfeeding, feeling like I was doing all the work, resentment, etc).
    However, we survived those times (twice), and have rebounded happily into a new adult relationship. Regular kid bedtimes helps a lot, as does the fact that he does a close-to-equal share of parenting and housekeeping.
    For the record, we’re in our late 30’s, been together almost 20 years, married for 10. We’re in the at-least 2x a week category.

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  41. Theasaurus

    Long-time lurker, here.
    If a blowjob takes more than 10 minutes, you’re doing it wrong.
    I’m the husband of 10 years. We’re towards the infrequent side of the sample, judging by the comments, but it doesn’t bother me. We’re busy and the sex is really great when it happens.
    A recent rediscovery of the spontaneous quickie has helped us bend the frequency curve, though. So far I’ve been pleasantly surprised that my wife (by all indications) is happy with a no-frills afternoon delight. We’re good at it, and there’s something very jolly about the whole idea.

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  42. Frogger

    I will second the fact that if a BJ takes more than 10 minutes, something ain’t right. My wife takes me out in no more than 2-3 minutes. She swallows, too, which is, in a word – awesome. In fact, I’m a little concerned that she is THAT good at it. Makes me wonder how she spent all those years before I met her! Joking of course, how can I complain when I’m the benficiary of all those year of practice?

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  43. Horny Toad

    I too am late to the game on commenting on this thread, but the sheer honesty of the other comments has compelled me to pick up my keyboard.
    Infrequent sex – more on vacations, but those too are infrequent. Like single digit times per year. We are married for over a decade, have one child, and are both in the typical late thirties, early forties crowd that visits and comments here. We are both college educated and have graduate degrees. She is mostly a stay-at home mom, but does work about two days a week. On the physical side, she looks the same as the day we got married whereas I’ve definitely gained some weight and am not in as good of shape as I was or as I would like. In my defense, this desk job is hell on the body, but I could try harder. She has never said anything about my increased weight, in part because I am still in decent shape compared to contemporaries. But it does cross my mind frequently.
    When we do get around to having sex, it is phenomenal (it would appear for both of us, but I’m not asking any questions). I could have sex many times per week, but it does seem that something is “off” for one or both of us many nights. Maybe I’m obsessed with something from work, or the child is not feeling well, or one of us hasn’t slept well in a few days, or is sick, or is not home until late. Due to scheduling, we frequently don’t get to eat until 8:30 or later and it’s frankly hard to get too much in the spirit of such physical exercise (we have never been into the slow and steady lovemaking – it’s pretty much zero to sixty and hang on!). To some extent, a fair number of things need to align in order for us to be in the right place to even think about sex.
    That said, we don’t make a particular effort. After our child was born, she did express some of the things other women have mentioned in other posts about feeling “touched” all day. That certainly led to a decline in our sex life – as did the kid walking in on us!
    I have been more open lately about my wishes to have more sex – and more open about some preferences. In the past, discussions like that would lead to resentment, but this time the discussions weren’t confrontational, but were more in the tenor of “So, we’re both committed to this relationship, so let’s talk about what we want/need from it.” The discussion included many things – and the discussion wasn’t just one conversation, but several conversations – none planned – over months. We both expressed things that needed to be said, and we both listened to one another and genuinely seemed to try to adapt our behaviors.
    All of this is with the caveat that we did have sex this weekend, it was awesome and perhaps some of the best we have had in years. It was spontaneous, adventurous and oh so satisfying. So, maybe a new trend line is developing?
    Even if the old trend line continues – I’d rather have mind-blowing sex ten times a year with the woman I love then any other sexual option.
    Ian – LOVE the cartoon for this post.

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  44. Camel

    I went slower with the BJ last night, and tease my hubby more, but it still took less than 10 minutes! I asked him if he liked the slower BJ better, and he said it was about the same. So I’m glad I checked, but I guess we’re doing ok. Maybe as he gets older and he’s not as easily aroused it will take longer. Thanks, all.
    Never thought I’d get help on this from Ian’s blog…

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  45. GFWD

    Camel, as long as you don’t use teeth, there is no such thing as a bad BJ. It’s like pizza. There may be better pizza, but there is no BAD pizza. Keep doing your thang, girlfriend.

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  46. Bonobo

    Frogger, maybe you can answer an honest question for me . . . What is so great about swallowing? Does it feel better for the guy? Or is it awesome on a sort of psychological level? I’ve always wondered this, but before now never had an appropriate forum for discussion!

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  47. Giraffe (cause they have deep throats)

    Hold on Froggie, I’ll get this one. Bonobo, we like swallowing for the same reasons you like cuddling and restaurants like garnish. It’s 90% for the show, but it also allows for continuity of the motion. If you choose not to swallow, but simply hold it in your mouth or let it ooze out as you continue, it makes no difference. What is a downer is if the suck-er stops with the first burst from the suck-ee and curses or groans or gags while half-heartedly stroking the exasperated soldier.
    Swallowing is like a reverse slam dunk when a layup would have sufficed. Their both two points, but one made you jump up for joy and cheer.
    GFWD is right. There is no bad BJ’s. Some are just better.
    Anon Aardvark, without prying too much, what kind of surgery has prevented sex completely? There are enough Pharmacetical pills out there to overcome nearly anything unless the opening literally got sewn up. I hope that didn’t happen.

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  48. Camel

    I wanted to ask that about the swallowing too! I definitely have learned not to back away when I’m done…I do complete the job. I was wondering why it makes a diff if I hold the stuff or swallow. I’m not against swallowing sometimes if it really makes you guys happy, although the ‘stuff’ has the consistency of phlegm and that’s kinda gross. I don’t think my hubby cares. I am careful not to ‘drop’ him which I know he doens’t like.

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  49. Bonobo

    Thanks for your thorough answer, Giraffe. That all sounds very reasonable. I had feared the motivation was the same as that of those who like to urinate on others. :)
    Regarding your surgery question, I had actually assumed the husband had surgery. In any case, what a healthy, loving outlook he has.
    And, finally, I prefer garnish a lot spicier than “cuddling and restaurants.” Let go of the stereotypes!

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  50. anon o'squirrel

    Camel, for me the reason being swallowed is so deeply satisfying is that it feels like being fully accepted. And it feels physically better than any other ending too, especially if you let us stay inside you, (surrounded a little tightly is my favorite) until we completely finish orgasming.
    I totally agree there are no bad bjs. I’d go further and say that for me any pleasure given freely is perfectly awesome.

    Reply

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