Because of some comments, emails, and Facebook messages about the last few blogs, I probably should be less callous and more honest when discussing our physical forms. I’ve definitely had to battle all kinds of body self-loathing issues, many of them instilled early on – I’ve tried not to talk about them much on the blog, but over the years, these things leak out.
My own weight ballooned after my metabolism changed around age 22, and you can see it in the pictures I took at Carolina, as I went from being a stick figure to a marshmallowy fratboy. My weight spent the next 18 years yo-yo-ing around, but I confess: I fucking hated being overweight, even if it was slight. Pictures of me from certain times made me so fucking nauseous that I would go into spasm and lose a shitload of weight out of anger.
the unfathomable 1994 “alterno-chick” Halloween pic at left prompted me to lose 15 pounds by six months later (w/ Chip), right
When I started taking Dexedrine a few months before I turned 40, I did it for lifelong ADD reasons and had no idea about its weight-loss properties. I was flyin’ pretty fat at the time, having joined Tessa in 2004-05 in her pregnancy weight gain, only I wasn’t actually carrying a baby in my belly:
I started the Dexedrine in October 2006, and by January, I was wondering why all my shorts were falling off. By May 2007, I had lost about 20 pounds:
…and it just made everything So. Much. Easier. I could run faster, I started working out regularly, and it heightened my mood immeasurably. Was it a cheat? Sorta. And to be sure, some of these effects weren’t permanent (my depression spiked soon after, and only recently has abated) but keeping the weight off is a priority, not just because it’s healthy, but because I HAVE AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TO THE WAY I LOOK AND FEEL WHEN I’M FUCKING FAT.
There, I said it. I know I may sound like a petulant teenager, or someone not well put-together. It also may sound like I judge others for their weight – after all, if you hate your own weight so much, what’s stopping you from hating theirs? I assure you, it doesn’t work like that.
And so now I can ask you, the world at large (if you will): Do you find yourself hating a part – or a characteristic – of your own body? And specifically, how is your weight and how do you deal with it?
You may answer as yourself, of course, but anonymous animals are always honest-er.