gunland über alles



Every time one of you people speak, you embarrass the rest of us.

Not that my pulpit can do much – and I have remained relatively quiet and sanguine about you so-called “Tea Partiers”- but something very small has broken not just my camel’s back, but also any sense of decorum I have left for you idiots. You want war? You want confrontation? While most other progressives and liberals are content to wring their hands and fret, I am now nearing the point where if it comes to a fair street fight, I’ll be happy to throw punches into your gelatinous guts.

Why do you get all the airtime? I’ve had enough of listening to your crackpot horseshit. It’s like the inmates took over the nursing station and figured out the public address system. Someone needs to take you down with tranquilizer darts, chain you to your own couch, turn on “The Rockford Files” and force-feed you Double-Stuff Oreos until you go back to being the harmless morons you once were.

You are not allowed to use terms, theories or historical events YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. You throw around the words “fascist” and “Nazi” and “Austrian economics” without any motherfucking sense of what those words mean, or who those people were. You can’t be reasoned with, because you begin the argument so far away from baseline reality that “common ground” is a sick joke.

Hell, your actual name is a testament to how little you understand history. Do you have any sense of what the Boston Tea Party was about? At least you don’t dress up like Injuns when you go to your rallies, but it doesn’t stop you from blaming every other race on earth for your own problems.

And your sickening rallies, with those putrescent signs – you rail against government, call Obama “Hitler” and speak in assassination rhetoric… even though your rallies are held on government-funded lands, which you drove to in your government-buttressed American car, on roads paved by the government. Oh, and you’re able to shout at your rallies because the government controlled the tobacco companies long enough to keep you from throat cancer, and your kids don’t have flesh-eating bacteria because of the Center for Disease Control, and you’re not at work because unions invented something called the weekend.

Truth is, you wouldn’t last one hot second if your paradigm-destruction fantasies came true. Sure, you might be fine with your canned food and your rifles for a few weeks, but after that, you’ll be writhing outside your home in dehydrated agony, covered in sores, with nobody to help you (because you shot your neighbors).

Honestly, I think that’s a place all of you deserve to go. You need your own country. We’ll carve out a part of America that’ll be all yours, and to make you more at home, we’ll shape it like a discharged firearm! I once offered up American Coastopia as a way to cope, but now I’d like to offer you Tea Partiers your own home: Gunland!


Yes, in Gunland, you don’t have a government, no taxes, no census, and nobody telling you what to do. You also have scabies, drink toilet water, and you’ll have to barter your girls for emu meat. Roads don’t actually go anywhere, and it’s hard to cool off when the beaches are covered with crude oil, syringes and human ears. But at least you’re not being bossed around by “Hitler” anymore!

In Gunland, might makes right, and “being too smart” is punishable by quartering. You’re allowed to quarantine the gays, and fire on “suspicious-looking people” near the border, because God will surely sort them out. You will have fun with your Austrian economy (as soon as you learn to pronounce Böhm-Bawerk) and you will grow old with calluses earned from a lifetime of bootstrap-pulling (well, not that old, as your life expectancy will be about 47).

But I’d be careful. There are some pretty awful influenzas going around. And killer bees from Mexico. And you’re right in the path of the most powerful hurricanes in the world. As much as it pains me to say it, stranger, if the finger of God comes along and flicks Gunland’s humanity asunder, you made your choices. You’re on your own, assholes.

0 thoughts on “gunland über alles

  1. josie

    I was remarking to a friend about how the most consistent, relentless anti-progressive screed I have heard comes from people I know who have lived off a government paycheck their entire working lives. Blows my mind.
    Also, the ONLY people who have ever asked me to be complicit in their efforts to “cheat the system” have held staunchly conservative views (sorry I choose to be short on details).
    I think the Tea Party, despite being completely abhorrent in every way, is a VERY GOOD development. Let’s split the Right vote. Long live the Tea Party!
    As for adding Florida to your new dominion? Did you hear that? That’s the sound of my property value plummeting. Further.

  2. Kelly in NC

    You had me at crackpot horseshit.
    If the Tea Party splits the Right vote then maybe it’s worth having to listen to their nonsense. Maybe. But the ignorance exhibited in the article you linked to is really hard to take.

  3. kevin from NC

    I just about puke everytime I hear them talking about the constitution as if they are the keepers of the document’s spirit. They tried religion for a long time and that is not working out so well these days so now it is the constitution. If you’re against them then you’re against the constitution. And the media go for the ride; 24-7.

  4. Kevin_In_Philadelphia

    Just fantastic. This post ranks a very close second to “American Coastopia”, the entry that made me a daily reader almost 6 years ago.

  5. Lee

    You’ve gotta stop making me LOL in my cubicle. Nothing is supposed to be funny or make you wanna go “FUCK YEAH!” when you’re in a box working on a box.

  6. Lars

    Once upon a time in college, I was in a philosophy class. Lecturer Rick Roderick for all you Duke fans on this blog:
    In the class, I was getting kinda steamed at the horseshit talk coming from a particular student. I knew this student outside the class and I thought he was insufferable. Here’s a shout out to Todd!
    Rick saw this and asked me why. I said I couldn’t stand pseudo-intellectuals. And he said:
    “Many have to be pseudo-intellectuals before they can be real intellectuals.” Rick was right.
    The reason for the Tea Party’s incoherent, unsophisticated discourse is that they have never had to articulate themselves before. The public relations efforts of crony capitalists had kept them satisfied about the country, despite decline in living standards.
    The crash made the rank and file break with these elites, but the Tea Partiers still believe in the myths they were taught, eg “a Christian Nation” etc. They have the political sophistication of 6th graders. They are being pseudo-activists before they become real activists.
    The question is how they will grow up. As you observed Ian, they’ve created a virtuous cycle where more attention to them creates more attention. It’s like nuclear fission.
    They’re an angry mob with torches despite the fact that the rest of the villagers are staying home. I hope they head toward the castle and not the town square.
    They’ll temper as their sophistication rises, but they’ll become more effective. I hope some good comes from it, but Arizona shows where these sentiments can head.

  7. Caitlin

    Loved this line: …even though your rallies are held on government-funded lands, which you drove to in your government-buttressed American car, on roads paved by the government.
    Reminded me of the recent NY Times poll of Tea Party members:
    ‘Some defended being on Social Security while fighting big government by saying that since they had paid into the system, they deserved the benefits.
    Others could not explain the contradiction.
    “That’s a conundrum, isn’t it?” asked Jodine White, 62, of Rocklin, Calif. “I don’t know what to say. Maybe I don’t want smaller government. I guess I want smaller government and my Social Security.”’

  8. caveman

    I love it, just please start the Florida cut off slightly north of Vero Beach. We need South Florida to remain in tact for snowbirds. It will also help to better square off the handle of the gun.

  9. John Hedtke

    I love you, Ian, and want to have your babies. :)
    Gawd, this column is just *so* perfect! I would love to give these folks Florida, send them on their way, and then seal off the border with a 30′ concrete & razor wire barricade. They should all be dead in about 5 years and we can recolonize quickly and easily. Everybody gets what they want and nobody will complain.

  10. John Galt

    Doesn’t your neck get sore with your nose in the air like that all the time?
    And what if your own paradigm-destruction fantasies came true?


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