you want to do WHAT with my WHAT

6/21/10

It’s the summer solstice, so let’s go out on a pagan celebratory limb. Because of two disparate emails on this subject, I’ve been gently nudged to ask you anonymous animals the following question, a deeply inappropriate (yet extremely valuable for the possible misinformed) query:

Women reading this… in your experience, what do guys do during sex that can ruin it for you? Use your animal, not your name, as open honesty will really help somebody here!

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0 thoughts on “you want to do WHAT with my WHAT

  1. anneonimus

    Fart? No, no, that’s not it. That’s the worst thing *I* can do during sex that could almost ruin it for *me*. Tee hee!
    Really, the worst thing a guy can do during sex is to make the whole thing some sort of acrobatic, “how many positions can I bust out,” sort of thing and fail to just actually just look me in the eyes and connect with me which is really the hottest thing ever.
    Other things a partner can do which will seriously bum me out: Not show any particular interest in my sexual fantasies. Be inhibited about his own moans or uncomfortable with my own.
    These sad things have all happened to me at some point or another and they quickly separate the winners from the losers.
    I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and read everyone else’s responses!

    Reply
  2. LFMD

    OMG. I’ve got nothing to add to today’s discussion because I am an old married person who has old married sex. As long as an O is reached, I do not care how we get there.
    I have to give props and kudos to whomever inquired about this topic, though.

    Reply
  3. Ladybits

    I wholeheartedly agree with anneonimus! The whole 5 positions during sex is so overrated.
    Rubbing the morning wood on my butt while I’m sleeping IS NOT FOREPLAY.
    Also, telling me that you’re super horny and want to have sex later — also not foreplay.

    Reply
  4. Horny Toad

    Speaking as a male, I think the female body is the greatest invention ever. There are so many things to enjoy on there, whether it’s kissing and poking and exploring, or smelling and licking, it’s like the world’s best candy store and amusement park all in one. If I could give the ladies one recommendation, it would be this.
    Let us explore EVERY inch of the amusement park. Check your inhibitions at the door.
    If we’re in the bed, on the couch, frolicking on the floor or in the back seat naked with you, we’ve already moved past whatever insecurities you have. It does not matter to us whether you need to shed another ten pounds. We couldn’t care less if the twins made your boobs sag a little. Don’t care if your racing stripe looks more like a Yeti and a Wookie got into a fight. Cause I tell you, with our receding or graying hairlines, we’re probably wearing the jeans with the 42 inch waist from the Big & Tall Shop ourselves. If it makes you feel better, turn out the lights and everyone will be sexy.
    Nothing is sexier during sex than a confident woman. I’ve met many women who say they get insecure and self-conscious when a man puts his head “down there.” Unless you got a chronic disease and you literally have to walk around with a Glade plug-in in your panties, guys love that wonderful, natural, post-shower aroma and they’ll respond like Pavlov’s dogs if you just give them the chance. It doesn’t matter whether ‘yours’ looks like elevator doors or an Arby’s roast beef sandwich, the man will adapt and, if you hold him by his ears, he’ll go where you want him. You can have stretch marks and cellulite and we’ll pick you over the shy, inhibited, repressed model with the perfect body. Let those skinny, neurotic divas rule the pool and the boardwalk while at the beach. YOU can own the bedroom.
    Be confident, be bold, tell us what you want–what you really, really want and don’t declare anything off limits. Even if we want to rub around the export hole (and it’s not really your thing), just go with it for a few minutes. We’ll probably get bored soon enough and want to move back to the input hole in due time anyway. And if your man can’t take direction, show him what you mean by using an adult video. If he still can’t figure it out, get another man.
    Gents, you might want to consider shearing the wool around the tool. If you don’t want her to look like an X-rated film star from the ’70’s, then maybe you can clip yourselves to where you don’t look like a Wookie either. Besides, when you trim all that hair, it makes the little guy look bigger. Also, be open to direction, guys. If you really knew what the hell you were doing, she wouldn’t be making the suggestion or asking you to move a little to the left. Hell, even Kobe Bryant needs coaching. It’s not a blow to your ego. It show that she cares enough to tailor you to her body and her needs. Follow those instructions.
    How come that picture makes my naughty bits all tingly?

    Reply
  5. Curiosity killed the Tomcat

    Ladybits, why is telling your mate that you’re super horny and want to have sex later not foreplay? How come women need a guy to perform a three act play just to get laid?

    Reply
  6. Camel

    The Camel is thankful for ANY attention she gets in that department, but since you want honesty, and since we’re in a hurry to cross the desert, I’m gonna type this quick and dirty:
    1. Guys, don’t criticize, especially by hinting that your previous lover knew just what to do. You may not be exactly the same as any other guy we’ve been with, so don’t assume we know what you like. Similarly, do not base anything you do to US on a past girlfriend, lover, etc. Just beacuse she was into weird kinky stuff, don’t be let down that we’re not. And don’t tell us what your ex really liked, or why aren’t we as good at doing such-and-such to you as they were – just tell us:
    -What you like (don’t assume that we have experience with a guy just like you) and
    -Ask us what WE like. Duh.
    EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, and if you are with us, it should be because you like us.
    2. Anything men say that’s designed to increase their OWN ego is a big turnoff. I had an ex who would say to me, “You look happy” while we were kissing. Actually, I wasn’t – I was just going through the motions. Glad you were complimenting your ability to make me happy, but you weren’t actually making me happy. Just tell me how good you feel, not how good -I- feel. I can tell you that.
    (As for ego boosters, also don’t brag about your penis or other attributes. We have eyes. We can see it.)
    3. Don’t put on music. Ewww, we’re not in a ’70s movie.
    4. Turn off the TV.
    5. Oh, please, brush your teeth first.
    I was thinking about the last time we discussed sex on this blog. It occurred to me that a lot of couples are not getting what they want because they don’t want to ask and offend the other party. It’s a tough conundrum because it can seem pretty insulting for someone to keep saying during sex, “No, not there, there, a little higher, softer, etc….” Maybe if both parties agree to do that one time and do it in a way that’s instructive and tender and not insulting, it just might work. I don’t know.

    Reply
  7. Camel

    The Camel is thankful for ANY attention she gets in that department, but since you want honesty, and since we’re in a hurry to cross the desert, I’m gonna type this quick and dirty:
    1. Guys, don’t criticize, especially by hinting that your previous lover knew just what to do. You may not be exactly the same as any other guy we’ve been with, so don’t assume we know what you like. Similarly, do not base anything you do to US on a past girlfriend, lover, etc. Just beacuse she was into weird kinky stuff, don’t be let down that we’re not. And don’t tell us what your ex really liked, or why aren’t we as good at doing such-and-such to you as they were – just tell us:
    -What you like (don’t assume that we have experience with a guy just like you) and
    -Ask us what WE like. Duh.
    EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, and if you are with us, it should be because you like us.
    2. Anything men say that’s designed to increase their OWN ego is a big turnoff. I had an ex who would say to me, “You look happy” while we were kissing. Actually, I wasn’t – I was just going through the motions. Glad you were complimenting your ability to make me happy, but you weren’t actually making me happy. Just tell me how good you feel, not how good -I- feel. I can tell you that.
    (As for ego boosters, also don’t brag about your penis or other attributes. We have eyes. We can see it.)
    3. Don’t put on music. Ewww, we’re not in a ’70s movie.
    4. Turn off the TV.
    5. Oh, please, brush your teeth first.
    6. Please stop assuming that everything will happen at once. It takes time to get to know you, and for us to feel unselfconscious and trust you enough to let go. We want to make sure you’re not an ass. Don’t go through life thinking the first time with someone new will tell you how it will always be. Someone wrote above that confident women are sexy. Well, you can play a part in that, dearest. See 1-5.
    I was thinking about the last time we discussed sex on this blog. It occurred to me that a lot of couples are not getting what they want because they don’t want to ask and offend the other party. It’s a tough conundrum because it can seem pretty insulting for someone to keep saying during sex, “No, not there, there, a little higher, softer, etc….” Maybe if both parties agree to do that one time and do it in a way that’s instructive and tender and not insulting, it just might work. I don’t know.

    Reply
  8. acrobat

    I actually love the many positions approach! Everyone is different and chemistry is half the equation, so I’m not sure these answers will be terribly helpful. How about asking your partner?
    I can’t say anything has completely ruined it for me, but . . .
    You might have to choose between me and your guitar because tender parts and sharp fingernails don’t mix.
    If you are larger than I am, sweat easily, and the room is hot, I should be on top for a while.
    Regarding Ladybits super horny comment, I think it may be a matter of semantics. “I’m so horny,” is not foreplay. “You are so hot” or “You are making me so horny,” is. Especially after marriage, I need to think that I inspire horniness rather than that I’m simply who my husband is stuck with to fulfill that need.

    Reply
  9. Camel

    I wouldn’t mind you saying you’re horny. But it all depends on how far along the relationship is. Don’t use that one on a first date.

    Reply
  10. slightly shy coyote

    I am the one who originally asked the question. Being a virgin for so long I thought I should go ahead and ask smart women what they think. I know it all will come naturally but it cant hurt to ask. Thank you!!!

    Reply
  11. Dromedary

    Coyote, some of us were virgins were quite a long time, longer than we’d admit. So you may find someone more inexperienced than you. She may try to hide her inexperience just like you may, and you may both end up making dopey mistakes because of it.
    So maybe don’t rush sex? Wait until you know each other well enough that the little mistakes won’t make or break your relationship? There ARE still sensitive souls out there who don’t rush in!
    Anyway, when you two like each other, nothing else will matter.

    Reply
  12. Dirty Pillows

    Wow. Not so many takers here. I’ll jump in! Here’s some advice from a former single gal about town (although all this still applies to the lovey-dovey long-term relationship I’m in…):
    Don’t come on my face. Don’t assume I want you to come on my face. If you want to come on any of my body parts, ask first. But definitely not the face. You may want to do this because you’ve watched a shitload of porn, but it’s really messy, and quite a few women I know find it all sorts of demeaning. (And if you come on anything, be nice and help wipe it off.)
    Don’t forget about my clit. Seriously. And don’t get all freaked out if I start masturbating while you’re going at it. It’s not a passive aggressive indictment of your performance. It means I’m hot, and I want to stay hot. I also hope that it excites you.
    Talk dirty to me. But start off fairly harmless and check in to make sure that I’m digging where you’re going. Expect the same from me.
    Eye contact is really important. Unless I’m blindfolded. But if that’s the case, we’ve already slept together and we’re moving into more adventuresome territory, anyway.
    And don’t assume I want to be blindfolded or tied up the first time. I actually like that stuff, but I have to trust you first. So it’s not going to happen the first time.
    Bring condoms. Don’t assume I’m on the pill, or that I don’t care about whether or not you’re wearing a condom. If you don’t have any condoms, tell me you don’t. That way, I’ll know you care about it. If I’m not holding, then let’s laugh and figure out something safe and fun we can do.
    Don’t be horrified if you can’t keep it up, especially if we’ve been drinking. I know that this is a huge deal for guys – and I know that there are a lot of cold, idiotic women out there who will make a big deal out of it and reinforce that you should feel ashamed – but it’s not a huge deal and it’s really not something you can control. So just shrug and laugh about it. If you’re with a woman who makes you feel bad about it (or who makes it about them, which it isn’t), consider yourself lucky that you didn’t put your dick in her, anyway.
    I might let you have anal sex with me, but it’s probably not going to happen the first couple of times we sleep together. Don’t ask me to do it the first time we sleep together, or I’ll know that you’re one of those guys who obsesses about it and constantly pesters their partners about doing it. You should probably not act all douchebaggy or make homophobic comments around me if the subject of gay male sex comes up, though. Not if you’re so into being up my ass.
    However, a little light ass play is good thing. If I’m feeling into it and bring it up, don’t act all freaked out. You don’t have to want to do it, though. Just be honest. No need for dramatics.
    Don’t be a jerk when I’m giving you a blowjob and start ramming yourself down my throat right away. A blowjob is actually kind of a taxing thing to do, and if I start off deep throating you, I’ve got nowhere to go and it could be seriously hard on my mouth and throat by the time I’m done. But please tell me if I can be doing something different.
    To that end: more than anything else, talk to me. Before, during, and after sex. It’s totally fine for us to laugh if we find something silly, and scream our heads off or whatever. Silent sex is generally not good sex.
    @slightlyshycoyote: The fact that you’re asking tells me that you’ll be just fine. Like anything, it takes a while to feel comfortable and competent.
    @HornyToad: Don’t use Kobe Bryant in your sex analogies. Dude’s a rapist.

    Reply
  13. lioness

    For the slightly shy coyote…
    Don’t be tentative. You can say you’ve never done it before and you’re new at this – that’s cool and can be sexy. But be a little fearless in when you’re with that special someone.
    Things that have turned me off over the years…
    Backrubs that move from the back to other sexy parts within a few seconds
    Kissing my ear (kissing my throat however is a turn on)
    Light/tickle-y touching
    Not talking – talking for me is foreplay, a good conversation can make me want someone

    Reply
  14. anneonimus

    I’m back. I do think rubbing the wood on my tush and telling me how horny you are is foreplay. If we make it foreplay. I want to feel the wood and talk about what we are going to do with it.
    If you say you’re getting hot and want to fuck me later, I want to hear all about it. What you have planned, how you want me to feel, how you’re gonna look at me, what you’ll use, what you’ll make me say when it’s time for me to cum, etc. That is the best kind of foreplay I can think of.
    Call me at work and get it started. Tell me to take off my panties. I promise I’ll come home all ready for whatever you have planned. For me, this is definitely foreplay the kinds of which I have to do private investigator work to find in this town. So sad!

    Reply
  15. noj

    I came by xtcian for cute, family photos and i get this…this…PERNOGRAPHY!!! Well heavens to betsy….

    Reply
  16. Wile E Coyote

    1. This may seem counter-intuitive to some women, but… honestly, pretty often I do NOT want to spend a lot of time on foreplay. I want to get to the main event! Guys seems to think women need or want a huge buildup and lots of sensitivity. Maybe I’m a pervert, but I just want to BANG like crazy for a short while and come. Then, after we’ve caught our breath, do it again.
    2. My nipples/boobs, not my nether regions, are my primary erogenous zones for getting hot. Stop mashing my clit with your thumb please.
    3. Agree with Pit Bull Mix about the face thing. A little respect, fellas.
    Best question ever, Ian! What a smug little cat-smile is on my face as I sit in the office this morning.

    Reply
  17. acrobat

    Damn. Who needs Penthouse Letters?
    I surveyed a group of friends yesterday and what turns off one turns on another, or at least isn’t a problem (e.g. being kissed on mouth after receiving oral sex). There was consensus on only two issues – a dislike of thrusting, aggressive fingers (“Why not a penis?” “I’m not 16.”) and all were regretful that breastfeeding had ruined any nipple sucking for them.
    Dirty Pillows, who are these men with unruly firehoses?
    slightly shy coyote, don’t listen to any of us. If you are in a relationship and into each other, I’m sure it will be amazing.

    Reply
  18. Gryphon

    Sorry to mess up your empirical research, acrobat, but I *love* thrusting, aggressive fingers : )
    And Dirty Pillows is my new hero! Fist pumpin’ in the air throughout her whole comment! Love it.

    Reply
  19. acrobat

    Gryphon, my study only had 3 subjects!
    Really, though, are these replies going to help anyone? Why does it matter to anyone but Wile E Coyote’s partner that she has sensitive breasts (not to single her out- just an example)? I’m thinking we all just like to write and read about sex.

    Reply
  20. slightly shy coyote

    all of these are helpful no matter what. I know everone is different but its good to hear what people have to say!

    Reply
  21. Camel

    Just proves my main point that everyone is different and that you should focus on the individual, not on your ex liked or what you read in a magazine or what some friends told you.
    I actually would be more a lot more turned on by a shy virgin who was insecure, than by some cocky guy who thinks he’s God’s gift to women. YUCK.
    All of the problems can be avoided if you don’t rush in. If two people really know and like each other, then the little mistakes will be funny rather than deal breakers. Then you won’t have to worry about all this nonsense.
    Any girl (or guy, for that matter) who is turned off by virginity, or worse yet, doesn’t have the PATIENCE to know that it takes a while to get to know someone’s body…well, they can kiss off.

    Reply
  22. ladybits

    These are hilarious. I love it. I’ll clarify my comments — I agree with acrobat, if he says you are so hot you’re making me horny that’s different. But that is not always the comment. If it’s straight up I’m horny, I feel like the receptacle and nothing more. And maybe I’m lame but I covet my sleep — I don’t get a lot of it — so when I’m awakened to the hard on on my butt it annoys me. Look, I love a hard on but when I’m sleeping I love my pillow more. Maybe if you let me get a full night’s sleep I’d be into it. The thing that really makes me nuts it that he never gets laid that way and I can’t get back to sleep. So we both lose — so WHY, please god WHY does it persist??? Sorry, you can see this is a sore subject. Now I just feel tired.

    Reply
  23. anon o'squirrel

    I think what this shows is that women are at least as diverse as men when it comes to sexual desires. In my experience, admittedly with just a small number of women, the best way to build, sustain and improve a sexual relationship is through communication, mainly listening.
    I really like this, what Camel wrote:
    – just tell us:
    -What you like (don’t assume that we have experience with a guy just like you) and
    -Ask us what WE like. Duh.
    EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, and if you are with us, it should be because you like us.
    Also, over the course of time, needs and desires change, so communicating has to be more than figuring out what the other person wants once and for all and then robotically doing it ad infinitum. Better to remain open to new experience and to keep thinking about sex and love like you just started doing it.
    What do you ladies think about this: “Tell me something about you I don’t know”? Not just sexually, but generally. My wife and I have been doing this for many years now and never run out of things to reveal (usually little things, sometimes big things, occasionally sexual things). Staying “new” to each other is very sexy, I think!

    Reply
  24. kittycat

    I have to say I agree with a lot here…and yes, Camel, the whole music thing really turns me off, too. Seriously.
    Sex is of course different with each partner, but I have to say if you can kiss me, I mean REALLY kiss ME, I’m yours, hook like and sinker.
    That being said, I always say attention to detail and PAYING THE FUCK ATTENTION TO ME and what I’m responding to, and the ebb and flow of it all, have always turned me on to no end.
    Slightly shy coyote, I have a feeling that the fact that you have the interest to even ask the question means you’re miles ahead of some guys I’ve been with.

    Reply

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