i’d like to teach the world to sing

6/29/10

One weekend while we were in high school, my friends and I spent all night carbonating our urine. I mention this not just because I’m proud of it (who wouldn’t be?) but because the process of carbonating anything just got fantastically easier. Back in the ’80s, if you had one of those home soda makers, you had to have a massive tank of gas, a bizarre contraption connecting it to your plastic bottle, and it took about twenty minutes to put fizz into a liter of liquid.

Not regular minutes, mind you, but 20 minutes of gently turning the bottle upside down every few seconds – and if you’re 14 and carbonating your urine just for fun, you can imagine the margin for error is pretty large. NOT ANY MORE, MY FRIENDS.

Enter the SodaStreamâ„¢. This is one of those As Seen on TV products that we would never buy, but a friend had one and after watching her carbonate a liter of water in five seconds, we were pretty much hooked. You insert a small canister of CO2 into the back, hook on your bottle, press a button three times, and GOD DAMN I WANT ALL THAT MONEY BACK FROM ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF SELTZER I BOUGHT FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

SodaStreamVen(bl).jpg

This thing truly goes on the Things That Would Have Blown My Teenage Mind shelf – along with the iPod, wireless internet, Wikipedia, a black President and 24-hour access to porn. You use regular tap water, reuse the same bottles, and the gas cartridges are endless and refillable. And the water is massively carbonated, not that weak salsa those machines of yesteryear used to give you.

It’s true, I have a Roy Williams-esque attachment to Coke, and by extension, all soda pop – I used to pedal my Huffy bicycle endless miles across Cedar Rapids, IA just to get a bottle from the one gas station that still had the pull-bottle type of dispensers for a dime. So this little gadget does have emotional resonance for me, even if it makes incredible farting noises when your drink’s ready.

Tessa will no doubt cringe that I have yet again told the world about carbonating my urine, but the way I see it, she should relax. As is often said, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, and with our new fizz-making machine, she should consider herself lucky I have such good recall.

0 thoughts on “i’d like to teach the world to sing

  1. ericmaloney

    Can you put watered-down OJ in there for homemade Orangina? ’cause dude, I like that stuff.
    Re: carbonating your own piss… you… sick… mother… fucker!

    Reply
  2. Anne

    @ericmaloney: Make the seltzer with water first, THEN add OJ for fake Orangina. We do this at home with regular bottled seltzer (Poland Springs) all the time.
    Ian: Tempting…. $100? Hmmmm. Definitely tempting still.

    Reply
  3. Caroline

    I love that you carbonated your pee. That’s hilarious.
    OK, dumb question, I’ve heard repeatedly that too much carbonation is bad for you. It does something to your calcium levels. I can’t wrap my brain around how that would work but smart people have told me this. Does anyone know?
    Also, I didn’t post yesterday but I love a lot of new technology and some I think is dumb. But I recognize that the stuff I think is dumb rocks someone else’s world so that’s fine with me. I think that makes me cool and not a luddite. My husband is a luddite and seems to OK with it. I think it’s weird.
    I also like the home-made Orangina idea. I love that stuff.

    Reply
  4. Hamp

    Wow – I’m so glad I wasn’t a part of that particular high school shenanigan. Glad that you are on board the Soda Stream band wagon. Chris and I got one of those about 3 years ago, because we were so tired of the endless plastic club soda bottles.

    Reply
  5. Sarah

    Caroline — It’s actually the phosphoric acid in most soft drinks which is the problem. It can bind to calcium in your bones/teeth and basically pull it out of your body when the calcium phosphate is excreted.

    Reply
  6. Caroline

    Sarah – thanks. I have told my friends who keep telling me this about carbonation that I think it’s specific to sugary sodas not simply carbonation. Ha! I was right. Thanks for your clarification.

    Reply
  7. Ian

    CM, how old d’ya think I am? That high school episode happened in 1983! And Hamp, it was at Steve H.’s house – you were probably there, albeit disgusted with our behavior and watching “Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence” on the VCR instead.

    Reply
  8. Deb

    We got one last year, and it’s our favorite “off-the-registry” wedding gift idea. The only annoying thing is that the bottles aren’t dishwasher safe, and hard to get really clean if you happen to have a penchant for orange soda. Other than that, it’s wonderful. And you can get the bottles in two different sizes. Oh, and avoid the flavored seltzer flavors like the plague: they taste like the water at the bottom of your favorite potted flower.

    Reply
  9. Deb

    Also, not as gross as the carbonated pee, but having slightly longer-lasting repercussions (I imagine) was when in college, a housemate of mine decided to pour beer through our Brita. No matter how many times we washed it, the water always tasted off.
    Love,
    Deb

    Reply
  10. David

    Now I covet this and your pink espresso machine.
    My love of soda began early. A few doors down from my grandmother’s house in Shelby was an electric supply company with a soda machine out front that sold glass bottles of peach Nehi for a dime. Last summer, I found peach Nehi at a vegetable stand on the Outer Banks. It was tasty, although sweeter than I remembered.
    I called my local kitchen supply store. They have three models of the Soda Stream and syrups ranging from diet grapefruit to root beer – no peach. I just have to decide between the red, silver, and penguin soda stream.

    Reply
  11. asd

    i went to a friend’s that had one. i quickly put it on my birthday list ( not until october, thought) and then realized i could buy it for my husband for father’s day. LOVE it! also got a great deal on it from Kohl’s!

    Reply

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