One weekend while we were in high school, my friends and I spent all night carbonating our urine. I mention this not just because I’m proud of it (who wouldn’t be?) but because the process of carbonating anything just got fantastically easier. Back in the ’80s, if you had one of those home soda makers, you had to have a massive tank of gas, a bizarre contraption connecting it to your plastic bottle, and it took about twenty minutes to put fizz into a liter of liquid.
Not regular minutes, mind you, but 20 minutes of gently turning the bottle upside down every few seconds – and if you’re 14 and carbonating your urine just for fun, you can imagine the margin for error is pretty large. NOT ANY MORE, MY FRIENDS.
Enter the SodaStream™. This is one of those As Seen on TV products that we would never buy, but a friend had one and after watching her carbonate a liter of water in five seconds, we were pretty much hooked. You insert a small canister of CO2 into the back, hook on your bottle, press a button three times, and GOD DAMN I WANT ALL THAT MONEY BACK FROM ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF SELTZER I BOUGHT FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
This thing truly goes on the Things That Would Have Blown My Teenage Mind shelf – along with the iPod, wireless internet, Wikipedia, a black President and 24-hour access to porn. You use regular tap water, reuse the same bottles, and the gas cartridges are endless and refillable. And the water is massively carbonated, not that weak salsa those machines of yesteryear used to give you.
It’s true, I have a Roy Williams-esque attachment to Coke, and by extension, all soda pop – I used to pedal my Huffy bicycle endless miles across Cedar Rapids, IA just to get a bottle from the one gas station that still had the pull-bottle type of dispensers for a dime. So this little gadget does have emotional resonance for me, even if it makes incredible farting noises when your drink’s ready.
Tessa will no doubt cringe that I have yet again told the world about carbonating my urine, but the way I see it, she should relax. As is often said, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, and with our new fizz-making machine, she should consider herself lucky I have such good recall.