Man, what a list to choose from! It’s amazing how much there is to hate in this country, considering it’s one of the best ones there is. I have a soft spot for Finland, but the weather’s terrible. France would be awesome, but then you’d have to speak French. And New Zealand is supposed to be fantastic, but then you’re on the bottom of the Earth.
No, America is what we got, and like the Ren & Stimpy Show said about Log, it’s better than bad; it’s good. Many of you mentioned our unfathomable pride in being so fucking ignorant, so that gets a special medal emeritus, as well as anything about Dook. But enough of my yakkin’. Let’s get to the awards.
Runners-up in the Things I Hate About America contest are:
• Ellani – “prudishness and so-called religious morality while being the world’s largest porn consumer” – and, might I add, the creator of the “Saw” movies. Truly, this country deserves a 51st star on the flag… for Hypocrisy!
• Dean – “People leaving grocery carts in middle of parking lots.” Absolufuckinglutely.
• don’t get me started – “excessive packaging.” Perhaps one of my own pictures is better than words:
• tregen – “Two Senators per State.” Yes, yes, 360 million times yes. This bizarre quirk in our Constitution makes Wyoming – which has less people than goddamn TUCSON, ARIZONA – horrifically over-represented in our nation’s decisionmaking. And it doesn’t help that it’s largely governed by right-wing robots.
• kjf – “lack of a national rail system. (and no amtrak is not a national rail system).” I concur wholeheartedly.
• the other lee – “Kraft ‘Parmesan cheese’ that comes in those green cardboard tubes.” You left out that it smells like actual barf.
• chm – “Atlanta” Hee hee. That’s awesome.
• Bridget – “platforms which give sarah palin/liz cheney any kind of credence or credibility.” Many of you mentioned Sarah Palin, but Bridget nails it with the nimrods who are constantly giving Palin airtime – otherwise she’d be just another yahoo in a jumpsuit at the Fairbanks Walmart. Yes, I know the First Amendment gives cable news the right to blah, blah, blah, but you can still loathe them.
• xuxE – “beta male singer/songwriters.” THANK YOU! These motherfuckers have damn near killed rock & roll. You can say I’m a British high-harmony artpussy, but I would put XTC or fuckin’ Phoenix up against Puddle of Mudd and Creed any day plus twice on Tuesday.
• Tammy O – “The Defense of Marriage Act.” Along with xuxE’s mention of Prop 8, this merits special attention. When it’s no longer acceptable to humiliate and subjugate the Gays, you have to wonder where Republicans will turn.
• Mairinpgh – “Fennel.” It takes a village to come up with something you’ve always hated.
And here are your three winners…
• Anne – “The extreme evolution of American ‘rugged individualism’ into blind self-interest and an utter lack of empathy.” Profoundly said, and probably the most worrying thing about having a child – it’s hard to raise a kid when this country’s default setting is “go fuck yourself”.
• caveman – “sporadic/arbitrary McRib availability.” Totally lost it on this one. By the way, my wife doesn’t get how important seasonal fast-food offerings are. I once got excited that it was March because that meant Shamrock Shakes™, and she looked at me like I was huffing solvent.
• jp – “people who say there’s no racism.” This strikes me as the most indicative of America’s laziness and failure in general, because I feel like I hear those people all the time. It takes a willful disregard for the facts on the ground, it takes an ego so large that it assumes omniscience, it dismisses suffering as “old news”, and it’s always said by some white guy.
So there you have it! If I didn’t mention you, it’s because your entries were so wonderful that I couldn’t choose just one. Until tomorrow… accentuate the negative!