fire lane faculty u-turn parking only – yield to oncoming deer



This, my friends, is the Peachtree Parking Supplies catalog. Yes, we have gone out of our way to get off catalog mailing lists, but when I installed a BOLLARD POST SLEEVE (RED WITH WHITE TAPE) in our driveway last year – to keep us from destroying our car every time we parked – I became a valued member of the Peachtree Parking Supply team.

And I have to say, as catalogs go, this one is awesome. I had no idea you could actually buy actual traffic signs and put them up in your neighborhood. I mean, just imagine the kind of chaos you can cause with these at your disposal:


You can change the speed limit at will, you can make handicapped parking spaces anywhere, you can even lay down a speed bump. It is here where I have to admit something: as much as I like to make fun of Lindsay for being officious, it is I who originally raised officiousness to an art form. When we were kids, I typed up Dewey Decimal System numbers on all my books and created a functioning library in my “office” (the space behind the bunk beds). I loved it, not just because I got to torture Sean and Michelle with arbitrary late fees – which was fantastic – but because I loved the idea of signage you had to take seriously.

Now that I think about it, I probably learned calligraphy not because I had no friends and no meaningful contact with girls – which was not fantastic – but because anything written in calligraphy has to be treated with a fair amount of gravity. I can make a shopping list look like Eurystheus’ list of the Twelve Labours of Hercules.

Anyway, I did find something I wanted to buy: the yellow “SLOW – CHILDREN PLAYING” sign you see near playgrounds. Y’see, at the farm, we live off a state route that is something of a thoroughfare to the Berkshires. Even though the speed limit is 40, trucks barrel down our street doing 75 fuckin’ miles an hour, and it pisses me off. It’s loud, and we always have young kids chasing balls around, which makes me want to blow the truckers’ cab into bits with a sawed-off shotgun.

I doubt the town council or anybody else will have a problem with a couple of these signs on the road, unless somebody has some serious control freak issues, and I can guarantee one thing: I’ll beat them in that category every time.

I know this makes me sound like the dribbling, stupefying NIMBY Concerned Parent buttwipe that screams at “undesirables” as they pass his blue-lawn McMansion. But I assure you that isn’t true. I speed in my car with the best of them, and I still listen to my music loud, and I still like a nice Sun Country wine cooler while getting my chest waxed by the cabana boy with the Pet Shop Boys on the iPod. But I am definitely not into some fucking trucker jack-knifing into our yard while there’s toddlers afoot.

Besides, the Peachtree Parking Supplies catalog has stuff for the real ninny fartypants among us. If you install these on your property, well, sir, you are truly a dick:


9 thoughts on “fire lane faculty u-turn parking only – yield to oncoming deer

  1. Anne

    We live on a narrow, short, dead-end road by the beach. With our next-door neighbor, we have purchased and installed a couple of the official-looking “NO PARKING THIS SIDE” sign on telephone poles. Otherwise, there’d be no getting up and down our street on fireworks nights, and certainly no getting out of our own driveways! Yes, we could ask the city to do it, and eventually they might get to it. But why wait? :-)
    Now if only they had a version of those skateboard blockers that would work on big Harleys with straight pipes, I’d be in business.

  2. Sean

    Those skateboard blockers made me giggle. I like that the skaterat they have looks like Luke Perry from 1992.

  3. Bozoette Mary

    My Son the Cop gets the Galls catalog, which is full of amazing cop stuff. I would love to order a boatload of it, but you have to prove that you’re an actual officer of the law. And my kid has so much integrity that he wouldn’t do it for me. Damn. Where did I go right???

  4. erica

    Hmmm…when I was young, we got our signs the old-fashioned way – we stole them. (But if My Son the Cop is by any chance lurking….I’m kidding…and really sorry…and we might have put them back…or something…)

  5. kmeelyon

    Man, I really am tempted to buy some of those traffic signs for my bedroom.
    Because I am really TEN years old on the inside.


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