Lucy is starting kindergarten – which is a week of posts in itself – but one notable item from the experience was the calendar pamphlet, which had the words “HOT LUNCH ALERT” emblazoned across the top of one page. I started laughing right in the middle of the get-to-know-ya meeting, looking around at the other parents to see if anyone else was thinking the same thing.
Thank god Tessa was, but it does bring up an interesting point: there sure are a lot of common words and phrases these days that meant something entirely else back when I was doing tequila shots and sleeping in bathrooms. Let us look at some of them, shall we?
“Hummer” – To the denizens of Fraternity Court circa 1991, that was a blow job, simple and plain. I suppose it had something to do with your partner’s attempt to speak whilst administering fellatio, although that’s a little like the dentist asking you questions during surgery. Frankly, I don’t know any fellatrix, either male or female, that would have a lot to say during the act itself. I mean, you’re kinda already saying it, right?
When the Hummer SUV came out – a giant McFuckYoumobile getting three miles to the gallon – I was shocked, I tell you, shocked. It was the worst car at the worst time in history, and now that it has been discontinued, we can only hope the “hummer” resumes its rightful place back in the garden of earthly delights.
“Red Wings” – When I was a kid, the Detroit Red Wings were so horrible that I didn’t know they existed – they called it the “Dead Wings” era, and you could go decades without hearing their name uttered by any sportscaster. Nay, when I was a teenager, I was told by a family member (who shall remain nameless) that you could “earn your red wings” by being orally intimate with a lady who had just finished her luteal phase, as it were.
In fact, you needed to earn your red wings in order to join several motorcycle gangs, Hell’s Angels included. The fact that I knew this, as a spasmoid violinist dork attending a prep school in Tidewater, Virginia, proved to me that anything was teachable.
“a red eye” – Trivia tidbit: I went to one of The Clash’s last real concerts when I was 15, a gig at William & Mary Hall that blew my mind right open. In the parking lot after the show, there were the requisite Southern post-punks all looking to scrap, and at one point, one group leader shouted at some cops, “Give ’em the RED EYE!”
At once, about twelve punks pulled down their pants and spread their buttcheeks wide, exposing their Netherlands with such violence that I thought I’d pass out. I’d never seen such an array of bungii, at least not in such proctological detail. The phrase “red eye” seared onto my brain.
So when someone orders it at a coffee shop, or complains about one they scheduled to Heathrow, a piece of me is still back in that parking lot, utterly transfixed.
“teabaggers” – We’ve no doubt covered this one before, but after Tuesday’s election, Teabaggers and their endless teabagging has become as dull as the MacNeil/Lehrer Report. This is a national tragedy, not just because the Tea Party represents some of the most reprehensible racists, bigots, assholes, self-hating women and dumbshits still capable of hiding behind their infantile “hatred of government”, but because the act of teabagging was such a gentle, loving thing. A true leap of faith, an act of trust. Why else would you do it?
And if you wanted something a little more violating, there was always Danny Green.
“The Cleveland Steamer” – Oh, wait. That still means pooping between someone’s boobs. Plus ça change, right?