gather moss and be gone

2/6/11

I have a kidney stone that has not yet passed, cloaking my life in stultifying misery since 2:30am Saturday morning, spending the night at the hospital and the weekend in bed… it’s demoralizing in all kinds of ways (duration, etc.) but the hardest thing to take is that I thought I’d cured myself of them. The last one was in 2002, and I had already spiked the football in the end zone and taken home the Kidney Trophy.

This one was worse by far, and continues to be. There is some poetic irony here – I have always done pretty much anything to be free of physical pain, I fear it more than most people I know, and have been haunted by “sensory integration issues” since I was a child. I suppose it stands to reason, then, that I get blindsided by the worse pain your body has to offer.

Somebody say something funny, touching, lighthearted or a story with unicorns in it, please.

0 thoughts on “gather moss and be gone

  1. kmeelyon

    Once upon a time there was a unicorn. This unicorn lived in a place called Twitter and had a propensity towards wearing anything that was Carolina blue. This unicorn was not like other unicorns which hung out in fairytales, Tori Amos’s dreams, and occasionally childrens’ wallpaper. No, this was a special unicorn whose sole purpose was to rescue the kidney stones from dreaming writers. The unicorn was waiting for someone in need whom he could rescue from pain and offer the sweet kiss of sleep and relief. The unicorn happened upon a tweet that signalled to him that it was time for him to get to work. So he began to gallop through cyberspace to rescue his next patient…. He knew it might feel like a lifetime, but he was on his way and he would be there soon….

    Reply
  2. Jennifer Terry

    Once upon a time, there was a young soon-to-be junior at the greatest school of all time, The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She was one generation away from two uncles & a beloved grandfather who’d suffered long arduous hours with chronic kidney stones. This sassy lass lived smack dab in the middle of what she soon came to learn was The Kidney Stone Belt, a lovely oasis in the foothills of the NC mountains, where sweet tea flows like milk & honey, and contributes well to the formation of calciferous kidney stones. Heretofore, she’d been more focused on The Bible Belt aspect of rural living rather than the hereditary ailment that tempted her Southern Baptist grandfather to re-consider prohibition as beer cleanses nasty stones from guilty kidneys.
    This young girl discovered quite suddenly the piercing, unmistakable excruciation (not a word, I realize) of a kidney stone as she leaned over to wipe down a table at her summer waitress job at the local golf club, where she was Head Waitress as well as Head of Lettuce. (She was in charge of salad preparation, afterall.) It was in that moment leaning over the crumby table she first asked God to come again. It seemed to her the quickest way out of her fast pain.
    Our naive heroine lived to pass those two stones, and to have an illustrious career with literally hundreds more of the bastardly, dastardly buggers. (Bastardly is prolly not a word either but I’m not in that particular editing frame of mind. So sorry.)
    And while she is not to the Happily Ever After portion of her wonderful life, she has every idea there are future dates with the jagged little pills. She already know she’s not going to put out on these dates, if that matters to anyone other than herself.
    Kidney Stone Girl has learned to live with her affliction, one with a pain no description heretofore has done justice. Well, no description she has ever run into in a dark alley. It is a cross she is now content to bear, though is sad to hear of others bravely bearing the same cross.
    She also has an imaginary friend who is a Unicorn named Ian.
    With that thought, she comes to the end of her tale of woe but has every idea she will live out a long Happily Ever After..
    ~THE END~

    Reply
  3. Jennifer Terry

    Ian, I hope that little ditty took your mind off. I wish I were in an editing frame of mind, which I usually am but fjust not tonight. Has your diet had an unusual amount of animal rather than vegetable protein? That seems to be the one contributing factor that applies to my body make up.
    Onto a different subject, not sure if you saw my FB post where I invited you to read my reaction to an unsuspecting, defiant dook fan who issued an invite to a throw down to this girl on the wrong night. In addition to those posts & comments, check out the other Tar Heel related posts from earlier tonight also on my page. It seems I’m not the only one whose real Super Bowl is Wednesday in the Carolina kicks dook ass game at Cameron Indoor Stadium. (It is at Cameron, right?)
    Anyway, I could write a personal diatribe myself on my special feelings about dook but will not be that indulgent at the moment. Suffice it to say you are not wrong when you notice the intentional passive-aggressive stance against our enemies up the road. In this writing, it manifests itself in the form of no capital d & a misspelling. In oral commmunication, my passive-aggression manifests in the same lack of capitalizion, lots of grammatical errors, typos & misspelling, though they are not apparent unless you see the transcripts of my oral communication, which few do.
    Yes, Ian. It runs deep. And do does the Carolina blue blood in my veins.
    I am so sorry about your kidney stones. I hope & pray you’re on a good narcotic. Mine have been so bad narcotics don’t touch the pain. I hope that’s not the case for you. Please write back, love. I’m worried about it for you.
    Kindest Regards,
    Jennifer Terry

    Reply
  4. kent

    I’m doing a phone interview with John Waters this week, so I’ve been re-watching his films in preparation. I recommend watching “Desperate Living,” “Pink Flamingos,” and “Polyester” while on pain medication. Don’t know if it will make you feel better, but they’re so luridly arresting they can only distract you.

    Reply
  5. Bud

    Speaking of Pink Flamingos…
    Do you remember seeing that with me our Sophomore year? I think it was about this time of year. I was a music major that semester and had agreed to host a visiting high school senior who was considering UNC and was being considered for a music scholarship.
    We took him for a stroll around the campus, then Franklin Street… we noticed Pink Flamingos was playing at the Varsity. Neither of us had seen a John Waters movie, but we knew Waters was an edgy critical favorite. Looked like a cute, kitschy film… by the end of the first five minutes, I was sure that, not only had we warped the poor, innocent lad’s fragile mind, but that I might be expelled (who knows – maybe jailed!) for abusing this poor kid.
    Instead, of course, he loved the movie and afterward, he wanted to hit a party or three. Inevitably, he got laid that night (you and I did not). IIRC, he did end up going to UNC on a music scholarship (although I switched majors and didn’t see him but once or twice on campus). That’s what I remember; how about you?

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  6. xuxE

    OMG Kent!! what is the interview for?
    Ian – you should also watch Devious, Inc.! :) also Kaboom! and in TV land, shameless, face off, and conviction kitchen. have you seen the british version of shameless?
    hope you feel better!!

    Reply
  7. Anne

    So sorry about your pain, Ian. Is there anyone (female) here who can compare it to the very worst childbirth pain? The contractions that kicked in when my OB doc amped me up on pitocin because I wasn’t “progressing” fast enough in the delivery room were PAIN of a magnitude that can’t be communicated in words. You never heard anyone yell so immediately and so loud for a DAMN EPIDURAL WHERE IS THE FUCKIN ANESTHESIOLOGIST DON’T TELL ME IT’S A HOLIDAY WEEKEND AND YOU’RE SHORT STAFFED I DON’T CARE GET ME THAT NEEDLE IN MY FUCKIN SPINE RIGHT ****NOW**** ARGHHHHHHEEEEEHAHHHHHAGHHHHHHHH.
    Jennifer, your story made me laugh out loud when I’m supposed to be editing content for my employer. I pretended there was a funny typo in the content. Ha ha.
    My grandpa had lifelong kidney stones and thus pain. He even had some surgery for them. Didn’t help. I have a small stone sitting in each kidney, according to a CT scan I got 5 or 6 years ago, waiting to torture me at some unforeseen date; it’s like having a loaded gun in my back. My cousin got it worse, though; she’s passed many of them over the years.
    Anyway: my sympathies. How long does it usually take for stones to pass? Don’t people get stones blasted with sonic waves or something these days?

    Reply
  8. Shane Hasty

    Something funny, touching, lighthearted or a story with unicorns in it, please.
    No, no, it’s quite all right. Glad to be of assistance.
    Class o’ ’93.

    Reply
  9. Greg T.

    Not so much touching, but thought you might get a laugh out of the fact that my high school mascot was a unicorn.
    dorkiest.mascot.ever

    Reply
  10. XOX

    I have five minutes to tell you something heartwarming….
    My neighbors, two gay men who have been committed to each other for at least 15 years cannot marry or adopt in the State of Florida.
    Two+ years ago they went to incredible lengths to adopt a child from California. This included establishing residency in CA, meeting prospective moms (open adoption of an infant), and flying out on a moments notice when the call came. They were rewarded with a beautiful baby girl born Jan. ’09. That is one lucky girl!
    The Monday before Thanksgiving 2010, Dad received a call on his way home from work that their daughter’s bio-mom had another child two days prior and planned to keep him, but changed her mind and asked the adoption agency to call them.
    They had no idea she was expecting and had only mildly fantasized about another. On Monday they were a family of three, and four sleepless days later, they were once again residents of CA, living in FL, and a Family of 4, fathers to real-life brother and sister. They brought Baby Boy home on Thanksgiving Day.
    For whatever demons challenge the 20-something mother of these children, she had the moral compass to know that they had a better life waiting for them somewhere else. It was an incredibly selfless thing to do; I am so touched by her gift.

    Reply
  11. littlerattyratratrat

    Been there, man, o jeez yes. Sorry to hear it.
    Somewhat funny: during the Superbowl Halftime Show, in the midst of the typically mediocre performance, suddenly the riff from Sweet Child of Mine starts to emerge from nowhere, and then Slash rises magically from beneath the stage—seemingly glued to his wah-wah pedal or maybe just parallized by alcohol or who knows, but….
    …I immediately thought of Banquo’s Ghost, rising from beneath the stage to afright MacBeth with memories of a time when pop music didn’t suck. Best part of the the whole evening.

    Reply

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