Oh, technology. Why do you have to be so stupid sometimes? Like yesterday, you took a perfectly wonderful product – the Flip camcorder – and decided to kill it. Apparently “everyone’s got smartphones now with HD video recording” and thus the Flip was of no further use to you.
Lemme tell you something: the Flip was kind of awesome. At least three of us in our family has one, and not because we like to jack off to obsolete plastic, we actually used them. Sean has recorded his kids and the Soundtrack Series on his, and I’ve recorded Lucy, my band, and my gold-medal-winning adult figure skatin’ wife on mine. The Flip is tiny, the picture is excellent, the sound is awesome, and it’s about as complicated as a toothbrush. You turn it on, then hit the red button. When you’re done, plug it into your computer, and it downloads everything, the end.
Here’s the thing about smartphones, and I’m including my beloved iPhone when I say this: WHEN YOU’RE USING THEM TO DO SOME OTHER BULLSHIT, YOU CAN’T USE IT AS A PHONE. Even if my iPhone 3GS could shoot HD movies (which it can’t), do I just have to hope nobody calls while I’m doing so? What if I’m trying to record a 20-minute lecture – I can’t access the Web, I can’t see my calendar, and I can’t jot down any ideas. Forget playing games, and, oh yeah, you have to hold your phone up for 20 minutes because there’s no built-in tripod jack.
One other thing, motherfuckers… I will start thinking about using my cell phone for all your magical shit WHEN YOU START MAKING BATTERIES THAT LAST LONGER THAN A SOLID AFTERNOON. If I start making HD movies with my phone, I will need to have a solar array mounted on location in order to keep it from expiring.
Why couldn’t you just let the Flip be the Flip? Why abandon something you just got right? I know, someday we’ll all have UltraDemigodPhones that run for years on nothing but saliva and positive reinforcement, but for now, we’ve got these little smartypant devices that do a B-minus job of everything, and they’re putting the solid A products out of business. It reminds me of those shitty TV/VCR/DVD combo sets from the mid-90s, where inevitably – INEVITABLY – one of the components would break, leaving you with a crappy TV/VCR/DVD combo with another DVD player hooked up to it.
Bring back the one-track gadgets! Bring back the overhead projectors that dreamt only of being an overhead projector! The jack of all trades always falls to the queen’s single-minded king, especially if the king’s got a sweet Laserdisc player.