not sure if girls rool, but i definitely drool


There’s something I say, perhaps every week or so, and it always gets me in trouble. I’m always accused of painting with a broad brush, or being an intellectual featherweight, or engaging in asinine gender politics. It ruins conversations, and it makes my wife roll her eyes, but it’s the one moronic truism that has only become more obvious as I’ve aged, and it is this: GUYS SUCK.

I have been called out for making similar claims on this very blog, but the truth hurts: we are made of acid, brittle stucco and cheap frosting. We never ask for directions, because our moral compass is always pointing at our cock. God created Eve because he got a good look at Adam and said, “fuck, I know I can do better than that.”

Are you a happy, well-adjusted, loving, loyal guy? Congratulations. You accidentally ended up being worthwhile, but probably have no concept of how you got there. Don’t worry, I don’t either. When I look back upon my twenties and early thirties, I see a guy chasing skirt and believing the world owed him something, and then suddenly I got scared enough of solitude to contemplate marriage. Since then, I’ve learned the finer points of being a real human being from the chick I live with, and our daughter gives me a reason to attempt heroism.

Women are born with the ability to fathom true, non-crazy love – men are born with giant testicles. Seriously, have you ever seen the nuts on baby boys? The rest of the body is incidental.

I know this all makes me self-loathing, or misandrist, or that I have all kinds of unresolved daddy issues, but my take is pretty phlegmatic. I’m not railing against men, I’m just stating a general observation, the way a stegosaurus would look at his fellow stegosauri and say, “jesus, our heads are really fuckin’ small, aren’t they?”


Earlier today, my mom wrote to the family:

This whole Anthony Wiener thing has really ruined my dinner… What is it with these guys? OK, men in the family, tell me why so many men do things that are SO STUPID?

Great question. Why would a married man – who could easily be mayor of New York City, and was one of the most firebrand, outspoken progressives in Congress – send woefully inappropriate pictures to female admirers on Twitter? PICTURES on TWITTER. Photographs of your vaguely-erect schlong, uploaded BY YOU to your Twitter account and sent to somebody you barely know.

Worse yet, he didn’t even have sex, and the pictures weren’t even nude, and he didn’t even need to lie – but there he was, leaving the press conference with his head bowed in utter boyhood shame. Why’d he do it? Why did John Edwards do it? Why did Mark Foley, Larry Craig, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton do it?

I love my male friends, and I love many of you guys reading this. I love my brothers and my nephews and my male cousins. But we are all compelled to become decent men through some outside intrusion; some figure must take pity on us, bring us on as a project, and we flourish under their tutelage.

If we’re never interrupted, or we miss a few crucial lessons, please… don’t spend time psychoanalyzing us or breathlessly repeating the idea that men in positions of power are inexorably obliged to spread their semen around. Don’t ask why we do such mind-bendingly stupid things, or why we make such self-destructive choices. We are simply guys, and, well, we suck.

0 thoughts on “not sure if girls rool, but i definitely drool

  1. Lurker Ann

    I don’t know – women have their stupid sides too. I am similarly humbled at times by living with my husband, though I do also find myself doing my share of eye rolling as well…but both genders have their darker, breathtakingly arrogant sides (which of course are the flip sides of deep insecurities), which come out more in some people and/or at some times, and which some people seem more motivated to try to move beyond than others. Women seem compelled to endlessly read and evaluate others, and in their more arrogant moments or aspects to try to put them in their places with their “knowledge” of them – eg bitching about/ bullying other women, manipulating men. By comparison, men can seem such straighforward, good natured souls…

  2. jp

    Today, I agree with you. I’m feeling like an old school angry feminist. Please, let’s get more women into elected office.

  3. caveman

    a writer from the Howard Stern show infiltrated the press conference and yelled out near the end – “were you fully erect or are you capable of more.”

  4. CM

    Great post. And thanks, Caveman! Good to see things haven’t changed since Gennifer Flowers.
    Some of us need to keep our fantasy world going even when the reality is that we’ve moved to a different stage of our lives. It goes back to the earlier post about how we get through life – whether antidepressants, magical thinking, or whatever. Maybe some men always need to still believe they are on the hunt, a little bit, in order to keep themselves going.

  5. ally

    Sometimes the timing of your posts stuns me. I really needed to read this entry this morning. Thanks.

  6. chm

    In addition to the love of a good woman and the awesome responsibility of kids, one of the things that helped make me into a halfway decent human being in my 30s was a pretty formative experience with professional failure. It made me realize how unexceptional I was at a critical time. And it is, to judge from my friends, a common experience for men who have learned empathy. Also it’s not something that had afflicted too many of our male political and business elites. So that’s my theory.

  7. bridget

    the exact question that kept going through my head… why? why? why? why? you and others have pointed to some good reasons though. the arrogance/ego that goes along with success, the addicting thrill of expressing sexual desire. rationally i understand those. but to risk your (relatively new) marriage, your (fast-rising) career, and the (up til now) admiration of a public by sending (not even sexxxxy!) lewd images of yourself to strangers… just boggles.

  8. Ms. M

    If someone who has SO MUCH to loose cannot resist initiating online dalliances with perfect strangers, how can we expect that the average dude we’re married to can? Or can he? What hope is there?
    Is the male ego in such insatiable need for reinforcement that a guy would risk national embarrassment to get a stroke in? I have always noted the man-being’s hubristic disregard for consequence. They often do stuff without calculating the (very good) odds of it blowing up in their faces. And, one look at society says it all – THIS modus operandi WORKS FOR THE MEN. They lead the world, didn’t you notice?
    Meanwhile, we ladies question whether we turned off the stove, consider everyone else’s schedule before we make plans for the family outing, and wait around for the dudes to get their shit together so we can do what we want to do that day. And thanks to the modern world, we bring home half or more of the $bacon$ for the pleasure.
    God, to feel free enough to live like a man! I want to feel so invincible that I can send pictures of my hoo-ha to perfect strangers and perhaps get some fun lovin’ on the side without a drop of remorse or guilt. But it goes deeper than that. I want to be able to make decisions that affect others and not feel like I have to apologize to someone who got trampled by that move. I want to have the gumption to think that someone else is responsible for my mundane life…i.e. my laundry, my kids schedules, what’s for dinner, my grocery list, and taking down the notes of my random thoughts while I pass through the room. I want to know what it feels like to be so unabashedly self-assured that I time my airport arrival closely enough to walk onto my plane without ever having to sit at the gate…not just becuase I hate waiting, but because I think I am right to feel miffed that I should ever wait – for anything I want.
    What DOES that feel like?!?!?!!

  9. Lurker Ann

    Maybe things will really start to get better as the generation of western children whose fathers have been more involved in their upbringing start to grow up.

  10. Bud

    Carlin said it so well. Men are stupid and women are crazy – and the main reason women are crazy is that men are so f’ing stupid.
    You know who’s really upset with Weinergate? Oscar Meyer. They are going to have to change the names of one of they’re most popular items.
    “Oh, I’m glad I’m not a congressman named Weiner
    That’s someone I would not like to be….”
    You know who else is really pissed about this? Other people named Weiner. As if they didn’t have it rough enough already.
    And I’m can only imagine how his new wife, the gorgeous Mrs. Weiner, is feeling right about now. Probably pissed off enough to stop being Mrs. Weiner.
    I mean – this putz has exposed the good name of Weiner to scorn and ridicule.
    He should resign IMMEDIATELY. And just imagine how I’d feel if I DIDN’T agree with his politics….

  11. Bud

    Speaking of stupid: they’re = their. I hate it when other people do that. Now maybe I’ll have a little empathy.

  12. Mako Shark

    I’ve not commented in years, but really felt the need to defend my gender.
    We never hear about females taking advantage of positions of power. Like female teachers boinking their students.
    Is it possible, just possible, that women are given a pass on cheating sometimes –
    You’d think by reading this post that men do all the cheating and are just nasty brutes and that women are pure, loving and devoted and are always left doing the work. Yet when looking at studies, it’s not that far off – 22% of married men (not the majority implied by the blog post) and 15% of women cheat (not the .0000000000000000000001% also implied). Not that far apart…
    “In fact, the rate of cheating has stayed pretty consistent, according to research expert Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey for the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.
    Smith conducted the highly respected study “American Sexual Behavior,” a poll of 10,000 people over two decades. The study found that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women have cheated at least once — similar to the results from the survey.”
    I’ve seen very despicable behavior from women, they can be just a cruel (more likely psychological than physical), controlling, conniving and vicious as men, they may do it differently, they may do it more subtly, but to pretend that women are the paragon of all virtue and men are just ogres looking to put our dicks into anything we can is, in my humble opinion, short sighted and just plain wrong.
    Feel free to continue loathing yourself and your gender for what is a human issue, rather than just a male issue. But don’t paint all men with the same brush and same behavior that you engaged in. Most of us are good, decent people who have had just as much, or more, wrong done to us by women as have done wrong.
    as for Wiener and other politicians, I think it has to do with power and, I agree with you on this point, there is an overabundance of men in positions of power both public and private. However I do believe if women were in the majority in congress there would be just as many trysts and scandals involving them. As it is the sample size is just too small (unfortunately) and too exceptional (women in congress do have to be extremely exceptional to get elected) to do anything similar.

  13. noj

    see – i can’t help myself!
    _,-‘ \//%\
    _,-‘ \%/|%
    / / ) __,– /%\
    \__/_,-‘%(% ; %)%
    %\%, %\
    ‘–%’ \

  14. noj

    damn…that WAS an ASCII penis when i pasted it in.
    i think the thrill of possibly being caught is a greater rush than many people, esp. men, recognize. easily as powerful as many drugs. not an excuse, just proven to be the case over and over and over.

  15. Lotharios and Courtesans

    Maybe men are just not naturally wired to be monogamous. If men were naturally wired that way, there would be no porn industry. God gave men sexual appetites that start around puberty and presumably end around the time they get to be the age Hugh Hefner is now.
    While it varies among men, when painted with broad strokes, they pretty much want it all the time. Women, using the same broad strokes, usually don’t want it all the time because, for some, they either don’t know how to achieve the same type of orgasm that even a 13 year old male can master on the second try. Or, worse, they don’t have a mate who knows how to do much more than insert and grunt a few times. Practically speaking though, women are too busy with careers, raising kids, or trying to run households that they suborn their primal desires. Men rarely suborn their primal desires.
    I think it’s less about painting in broad strokes, however, and more a simple analysis of whether couples have the same sexual appetite. Where one partner has more of a sex drive than the other spouse, I think there are going to be problems. The bigger question is whether that makes the one with the hyper sex drive a bad person if they go to seek that pleasure somewhere else.
    If your mate has a porn stash, you probably don’t have the same sex drive.
    The question that I think is a better “control” study for the theories being bandied about today is this: is cheating among gay and lesbian couples higher or lower than the cheating among heterosexual couples?

  16. Amy S.

    Mako Shark, um…”We never hear about females taking advantage of positions of power. Like female teachers boinking their students”??
    From your own link, second paragraph: “While only ten percent of those teachers were women, female teachers who have slept with their students receive the lion’s share of media attention.”

  17. Caroline

    Weinergate bums me out on a lot of levels, for sure (except for the name which is awesome). But I’m about 40,589% more disgusted/upset/horrified by Schwarzenegger. To keep the woman in your employ under your wife’s nose for years…. I can’t type the words that come to my mind.


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